Mutabilis Chapter One

[drew]

Chapter one should now be available for download from the wiki here.

For those of you who followed this story the first time I tried to finish it, the early chapters will be familiar. There are some significant alterations however, and the plot differentiates quickly, so you'll need to pay attention...

For those of you who haven't read this before, enjoy!

There will be ten chapters in total, released each week.

Cheers,

Drew.

[pagroove]

I'm going to to read it this week

[DaddyHoggy]

Cheers Drew - I shall be reading asap - in between other bits of RL.

[DaddyHoggy]

Drew - cracking start - I'm hooked already.

Thanks for the thanks in the Thanks.

Just one tiny, tiny thing - is it 'coriolis' or 'Coriolis' - you write the former and I think it should be the latter - as in the fact that it's a make/type of something - would you write oldsmobile or Oldsmobile? Having written this now, I'm not so sure - all the other examples I was going to give (Ford, Porsche, Ferrari) are actually named after people and therefore should be capitalised anyway - although here in the UK we had a car company called 'Rover' and it was always written as such, with a capital 'R'...

Looking forward to Chapter II

[Captain Hesperus]

Ohh. That was brilliant. I really like the tension that builds up at the end of the chapter.
Oh and,

Thanks for the thanks in the Thanks.

Ditto.


Captain Hesperus
"The Captain Hesperus Trading Corporation is not a legally recognised organisation"
- Extracted from Lave Space Licencing Authority Log

[Rxke]

Yay! I know what to read this evening

[JohnnyBoy]

Absolutely superb! A gripping plot from the start, characters and scenes that are the result of a very creative imagination and lucidly expressed. Can't wait for the next chapter!

[Star Gazer]

Excellent! Love it. I eagerly await the next chapter!

Just a couple of comments:
Page 9 - line 17 - "...suits must be warn prior to airlock..." should be 'worn'

Page 11 - line 5 - better as "...the gentleman assassin", rather than "...the gentleman's assassin" - does he only assassinate gentlemen...??

Moot point in the last page as to whether it should refer to the "...distinctive whine of ramjet drives" rather than "...whine of a ramjet drive", since it had previously commented on "the engines".

Also, some lines previously on the last page, it comments "...the Agent had sufficed with a functional repair only." I believe that is incorrect use of the expression and it should have been expressed as "...the ship had sufficed with a functional...", as it was the ship, not the Agent, which was the subject of the repair.

A bit picky, I realise, but I'm just trying to help...

[drew]

Glad you're enjoying folks!

Thanks for the all the feedback and correction. I have spent quite a bit of time on proofreading, but you never catch everything! I will incorporate changes and re-upload.

The final complete version will benefit from your inspection!

Next chapter will be available from 9pm on Saturday 21st.

Cheers,

Drew.

[Rxke]

Turns out, I didn't have the time to read it yesterday evening

I only skimmed the pages and read the 'Thank you' and introduction page, and It made me feel very good. Not because I was mentioned (of course, that helped) but because this page epithomises what Oolite is all about: working together to build, write, design,... very nice stuff. Helping eachother out w/o thinking about monetary rewards, just a kind of brotherhood.

Oolite is a great project!

[DaddyHoggy]

Oolite philosophy = life (as it should be)

[drew]

According to sources it looks like it should be a Capital C for Coriolis. I will alter. Named after some bloke called Gaspard-Gustave Coriolis. There is a wikipedia page on it.

I've made the other changes as suggested by Star Gazer too!

Will upload shortly.

Cheers,

Drew.

p.s. Tried to post on the EBBS at www.alioth.net, but I don't seem to get anywhere to type a message in when I press the post button

[Captain Hesperus]

p.s. Tried to post on the EBBS at www.alioth.net but I don't seem to get anywhere to type a message in when I press the post button

Yeah, the EBBS has gone onto NNTP-only for submissions, since it was becoming the case that the only regular posters were offering potency medications and ways of regrowing hair and, of course, google.

Captain Hesperus

[Jack_H]

the alioth bbs has had web posting disabled due to all the spam. you have to do it through NTTP or something? I don't know how to do it, so I can't tell you, but if you do find out, tell me how!

Have skimed over it, but wil read it more detail later. First thought was the big infodump right at the beginning, which is why i started skimming cos i couldn't be bothered reading the whole thing (the infodump)

My suggestion would be to take the critical details of the planet out and put them into cockpit conversation or perhaps the captain could read the info on the database. that way we have some action and a character to follow. a character reading boring information is more exciting that boring information without any sense of who, where and when.

Hope that makes some sense. This is just me anyway, no one else seems to care!

[drew]

Yeah, the EBBS has gone onto NNTP-only for submissions, since it was becoming the case that the only regular posters were offering potency medications and ways of regrowing hair and, of course, google.

Captain Hesperus

Ahhh... four letter acronyms. Right then, ahem. Yes. Definitely. Indeed.

help!

Cheers,

Drew.