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New 'very' short story - 'Replay'
Posted: Tue Oct 27, 2009 7:51 pm
by drew
Folks,
Got a bit stuck on 'Family' again, decided the ending I'd plotted was a bit too obvious, so am rethinking.
In the meantime here is 'Replay', a very short story which hopefully continues the 'tales of the unexpected theme' for Oolite. I knocked this one together in four hours (or two commutes, as I like to count it!
)
Feedback as ever,
Replay
Cheers,
Drew.
ps. You can follow my writing progress on
twitter if you so desire...
Posted: Tue Oct 27, 2009 11:01 pm
by CptnEcho
Good one. Nicely done.
Posted: Tue Oct 27, 2009 11:46 pm
by Disembodied
Nice one, Drew. Needlessly alarming at the end there though!
Some typos:
1st page:
"loosing control" -> "losing control"
2nd page:
"blackout" -> "black out"
"blazings"/"blazed" quite close together: "He saw Fion's ship fire its injectors, blazing forward"
"Laser fire blazed in the depths of space"
"Fion's ship came blazing back towards him"
Gin -> gin (twice)
3rd page:
"some bed rest wont cure" -> "some bed rest won't cure"
"cat like eyes" -> "cat-like eyes"
"She had pledged to work for him by return" -> "She had pledged to work for him in return"
"Over stressed and over worked" -> "Overstressed and overworked"
"door way" -> "doorway"
4th page:
"No.." -> "No..." (or "No.")
"total indifferent" -> "totally indifferent"
"invalidate test conditions. ." -> "invalidate test conditions."
Posted: Tue Oct 27, 2009 11:58 pm
by ClymAngus
Ooooo that's an elegantly nasty little story. Perfect for halloween. Very well done.
Posted: Tue Oct 27, 2009 11:58 pm
by CheeseRedux
Disembodied wrote:Nice one, Drew. Needlessly alarming at the end there though!
Yep. I sure don't want to wake up all confused after I go to sleep tonite. Enjoyed it.!
Oh, and while we're proofreading:
3rd page:
"obvious" -> "oblivious" (lunging for her own weapon, obvious to her nakedness)
Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 12:18 am
by DaddyHoggy
and you missed:
"obvious to her nakedness" -> "oblivious to her nakedness"
I liked it a lot!
It reminds me of a ST:TNG short story I wrote...
http://www.box.net/shared/lrsixj833f
PS - Thanks for the thanks!
Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 7:08 am
by Commander McLane
Neat.
Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 11:45 am
by LittleBear
Creepy!
Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 1:10 pm
by drew
Glad you enjoyed!
Made the changes and will upload later on.
Cheers,
Drew.
Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 1:57 pm
by Rebecca
looks like a cameo to me!!!! cool story!
B
Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 9:01 pm
by drew
Typos targeted and shot down...
New version online.
Cheers,
Drew.
Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 9:16 pm
by Cmd. Cheyd
Very nice, Drew. Kind of cool to see it from the "other side of the looking glass".
..
Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 9:44 pm
by Lestradae
Halloween thargoids ... I like it
Posted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 3:40 pm
by lfnfan
mmmm Nice:Nasty!
Posted: Tue Jun 08, 2010 7:05 am
by Micha
Very nicely done - creepy ending!