New 'very' short story - 'Replay'

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drew
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New 'very' short story - 'Replay'

Post by drew »

Folks,

Got a bit stuck on 'Family' again, decided the ending I'd plotted was a bit too obvious, so am rethinking.

In the meantime here is 'Replay', a very short story which hopefully continues the 'tales of the unexpected theme' for Oolite. I knocked this one together in four hours (or two commutes, as I like to count it! :wink: )

Feedback as ever,

Replay

Cheers,

Drew.

ps. You can follow my writing progress on twitter if you so desire...
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CptnEcho
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Post by CptnEcho »

Good one. Nicely done.
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Post by Disembodied »

Nice one, Drew. Needlessly alarming at the end there though! ;)

Some typos:

1st page:
"loosing control" -> "losing control"


2nd page:
"blackout" -> "black out"

"blazings"/"blazed" quite close together: "He saw Fion's ship fire its injectors, blazing forward"
"Laser fire blazed in the depths of space"
"Fion's ship came blazing back towards him"

Gin -> gin (twice)


3rd page:
"some bed rest wont cure" -> "some bed rest won't cure"

"cat like eyes" -> "cat-like eyes"

"She had pledged to work for him by return" -> "She had pledged to work for him in return"

"Over stressed and over worked" -> "Overstressed and overworked"

"door way" -> "doorway"


4th page:
"No.." -> "No..." (or "No.")

"total indifferent" -> "totally indifferent"

"invalidate test conditions. ." -> "invalidate test conditions."
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ClymAngus
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Post by ClymAngus »

Ooooo that's an elegantly nasty little story. Perfect for halloween. Very well done.
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CheeseRedux
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Post by CheeseRedux »

Disembodied wrote:
Nice one, Drew. Needlessly alarming at the end there though! ;)
Yep. I sure don't want to wake up all confused after I go to sleep tonite. Enjoyed it.! :)

Oh, and while we're proofreading:
3rd page:
"obvious" -> "oblivious" (lunging for her own weapon, obvious to her nakedness)
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Post by DaddyHoggy »

and you missed:

"obvious to her nakedness" -> "oblivious to her nakedness"


I liked it a lot!

It reminds me of a ST:TNG short story I wrote...

http://www.box.net/shared/lrsixj833f

PS - Thanks for the thanks!
Selezen wrote:
Apparently I was having a DaddyHoggy moment.
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Post by Commander McLane »

Neat. :D
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Post by LittleBear »

Creepy! :)
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Post by drew »

Glad you enjoyed!

Made the changes and will upload later on.

Cheers,

Drew.
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Rebecca
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Post by Rebecca »

Image

looks like a cameo to me!!!! cool story!

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Image
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drew
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Post by drew »

Typos targeted and shot down...

New version online.

Cheers,

Drew.
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Post by Cmd. Cheyd »

Very nice, Drew. Kind of cool to see it from the "other side of the looking glass".
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Post by Lestradae »

Halloween thargoids ... I like it :twisted:
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Post by lfnfan »

mmmm Nice:Nasty!
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Post by Micha »

Very nicely done - creepy ending!
The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
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