New 'very short' story - Ascension : Updated!

drew · Post by **drew** » Wed May 20, 2009 4:39 pm

Story now completed.

This is my new 'rapid writing' technique.

Ascension

Usual disclaimer...

Cheers,

Drew.

ClymAngus · Post by **ClymAngus** » Wed May 20, 2009 5:12 pm

If a cat pops out and tries to sell them a trumble. I'm leaving.......

drew · Post by **drew** » Wed May 20, 2009 6:21 pm

Checks plan... er...

All felines present and accounted for off-world!

Cheers,

Drew.

Diziet Sma · Post by **Diziet Sma** » Thu May 21, 2009 3:10 am

A very promising start! I enjoyed that.. thanks Drew!

Post by **Disembodied** » Thu May 21, 2009 11:12 am

Looking forward to part 2!

A few typos/suggestions:

Herg --> should be lower-case-h herg throughout (like "control his horse", not "control his Horse")

The beast snorted and fidgeted in agitation. --> delete "in agitation". It's unnecessary: you've already shown the agitation with the snorting and fidgeting.

loosing his shoulder bag --> losing his shoulder bag

Unlike most other stars it never twinkled and it moved around the sky in a curious retrograde way, unlike the other stars. --> delete "unlike the other stars" at the end (it's repeating the start of the sentence, and is implied by "curious" anyway).

“Go on.” she nodded. --> “Go on.” She nodded.

“It's a beacon, a guide. “Meru replied. --> “It's a beacon, a guide,” Meru replied. (comma, close quotes)

what looked like a women --> what looked like a woman (singular)

The Herg's looked up --> The hergs looked up (no apostrophe)

Last few paragraphs (from "Miria was frozen to the spot"): maybe mix up/find synonyms for "blazing fireball" (ball of flame, burning sphere?).

drew · Post by **drew** » Fri May 22, 2009 8:10 am

Just FYI - finished this and will upload tonight.

Cheers,

Drew.

Website · Post by **DaddyHoggy** » Fri May 22, 2009 9:14 am

Nice one Drew - a short story that could almost end where it is and yet is obviously just the start of something else.

Very nicely written.

DH

drew · Post by **drew** » Fri May 22, 2009 7:17 pm

Ascension is now complete and can be downloaded from the link above.

Cheers,

Drew.

Website · Post by **DaddyHoggy** » Fri May 22, 2009 8:20 pm

You sir, are very, very good at this old writing thing!!!

Rebecca · Post by **Rebecca** » Fri May 22, 2009 9:07 pm

anoyher goody!! i like these short stories... sort of poignant and mellow and your just getting into it and its over...

i like the characters you dream up.... quite believavle!!!

B