Mutabilis, Chapter Four

drew · Post by **drew** » Sun Oct 05, 2008 6:46 am

I'm pleased to announce Chapter Four of Mutabilis.

Hopefully you should start to get an inkling as to the way the story will unfold by the end of this chapter...

All the usual stuff as normal, feedback welcome etc!

Enjoy,

Cheers,

Drew.

Jack_H · Post by **Jack_H** » Sun Oct 05, 2008 8:38 am

Hi Drew

Reading the chapter now. I'm finding it a lot easier to read than previous ones. Good work. Few little quirks though:

1) A couple of times Jim asks himself internally a question then asks another out loud. It feels, I don't know. . . wrong somehow. e.g when the guy is found missing from the high security facility. The first question out of Jim's mouth, I would have thought, would be the one he says to himself. The only reason I could think that he would think one question and say another is if he didn't want the president to know what he was thinking, but that clearly isn't the case. I'm not sure, maybe its nothing.

2)The president and Jim talk for too long without action. Its just continuous dialogue for a whole page or more and its a little hard to swallow in one go. It would be nice for them to move, involve the scenery somehow, like pick up a book, refill their drinks, take a moment to look at the stars, you know, some 'action'.

3)

“You've been manipulating me.”
“Encouraging you in particular directions would be the way I would phrase it, but yes, and
for longer than you probably suspect. If anyone can figure out the mystery of Raxxla it is you. I
need our best mind on this.”
Jim felt that he should

I would have expected the president to have a reaction to Jim's comment, most likely a 'ok you caught' me kind of a grin. Think it needs something in there. . .

Ok I am keeping the wife awake so will have to finish up at work tomorrow. Anyway def getting better. Glad the backup didn't mess you up too much!

JohnnyBoy · Post by **JohnnyBoy** » Sun Oct 05, 2008 10:01 am

I'm really behind the times! I haven't even finished chapter 3 yet...

(Excuse: work

)

Jack_H · Post by **Jack_H** » Sun Oct 05, 2008 6:28 pm

Hi Drew

I just lost everything i was writing for you. Garrrhhh!

anyway, will just have to keep going. sorry.

5)

Rebecca didn't react, though her head was spinning with numbers. Her trader instincts
immediately sensed an opportunity.

This sentence stood out for some reason. a simple reword might help: "Rebecca didn't react, though her head spun with numbers, her trader instincts sensing an opportunity."

But perhaps if we expanded it out somewhat, it might help get into Rebeccas head:

"Rebecca's heart flittered as she heard the total. She swallowed slowly, but kept her face hard and still like granite. Her eyes rolled in their sockets as her head spun with numbers. She way have had principles but she was a born trader and those instincts sensed an opportunity.

6)

He only appears only on a one to one basis.”

I think you can see the prob here

7)

Who you gonna share that with then? OH, STOP IT!
She bit her lip and brought her mind back into the subject in hand.

Expecting a bit more reaction from such a painful memory, but maybe she is just super staunch.

As she
approached her ship she could see that the growing puddle of green goo from the feline Captain's
battered Python had attracted the attention of a Galcop space dock official. A furious argument had
started, which abruptly came to a halt when the Captain 'found' a large domination credit marker on
the floor which he promptly handed to the official. The Captain appeared to be inquiring as to
whether the official had dropped it. Obviously grateful, and now satisfied that the Python was space
worthy despite his previous protestations, the official went on his way.
Rebecca grinned, she'd done similar things herself to get out of

Ahhh, I love blatant attempts at wheel greasing

Ok you've set it up to make it obvious enough that Rebecca will kill Jim if she isn't careful. Nice one.

drew · Post by **drew** » Sun Oct 05, 2008 8:04 pm

Thanks Jack!

1. Yes, debated this a bit myself. Will revisit during the revise.
2. Yes, good suggestion.
3. Like the wry grin. Will use.
4. ? Where did 4 go?

5. Like the first suggestion, more emphasis on head spinning rather than the numbers
6. Arrgh!
7. I'd actually 'de-tuned' this one deliberately. Not sure how staunch she should be at this point. Might consider tweaking back the other way.

Re: Wheel greasing... : the value of research

- Check out the good Captain's post in this thread, in his 'quotes' section. Irresistable!

Cheers,

Drew.

Jack_H · Post by **Jack_H** » Sun Oct 05, 2008 8:55 pm

Hey, yeah sorry about four. i wrote something, then hit the back button during number 5. when i hit the forward button, it was all gone!

I wouldn't worry about it though.

abouth point seven. You might be completely correct in what you have done. You will have to ask Rebecca because she is the only one who will know for sure. I know she is strong and would most likely push the painful memory away, e.g cram it down inside where it can't see the light, but if thats the case the reader should see that.

Or she is just a Data in star trek and can turn her emotions on or off

pagroove · Post by **pagroove** » Mon Oct 06, 2008 10:45 pm

I've read it yesterday. The tension is building...
So nice we have this great story going on. Hope that it will be longer than Status Quo.

Post by **Micha** » Tue Oct 07, 2008 1:03 am

Great stuff Drew!! Looking forward to the next few chapters

Frame · Post by **Frame** » Tue Oct 07, 2008 1:48 am

Yeah great stuff, however i'm a bit confused... i seem to recall i read all this before... :S....

you made earlier releases of these chapters right ?

drew · Post by **drew** » Tue Oct 07, 2008 7:16 am

@Pagroove - Definitely a bit longer than Status Quo, it's ten chapters rather than eight. Chapter ten should be uploaded on the 16th of November, so a while to run yet! I was aiming for around the same length, but I've had to expand the characters quite a bit as the story has a different emphasis than Status Quo, it's more character driven than action driven this time around.

@Micha - Thanks!

@Frame - Yes, you're right! I started writing Mutabilis in April 2007 and got stuck around October 2007 with a plot complication in chapter six. I took it offline to regroup for a while, resolved the plot, dumped chapters 5-7, added a 'new' set of 5-10 and rewrote 1-4 to match. Early chapters are largely the same, but with some key alterations, but from 5 onwards it's totally different. I've finished all 10 chapters, but still doing a bit of 'George Lucas' style editing...

Cheers,

Drew.

Website · Post by **DaddyHoggy** » Wed Oct 08, 2008 12:34 pm

Awful lot going on in RL, so didn't manage to look at this until today, but here we go:

First line! "had had" - "Jim's hands had been secured with..."

First page - the entrance to witchspace - have I misremebered "Dark Wheel" where there's no change in sensation because of the jump?

Page Four:

"...What is all this about?"
"I am serious."

It doesn't seem like the natural response to the previous statement.

Page Five: The send things of value our way.

Should be "TheY send things of value our way"

Page Six: "They believe we've changed our minds and are going looking for Raxxla covertly"

Clumsy sentence - not very "Presidential"

Page Eleven: "He only appears only on a one to one basis" - Hmmm...

I really liked this chapter - the two forks of the path have been revealed I shall enjoy walking them both, of that I have no doubt.

drew · Post by **drew** » Wed Oct 08, 2008 6:32 pm

Thanks chaps. Changes incorporated into Chapter and uploaded...

Cheers,

Drew.