Star Trek Story - technically outworld...

Website · Post by **DaddyHoggy** » Fri Jul 03, 2009 2:42 pm

In response to a massive thread hijack in the "Space Monsters" Thread in Suggestion Box I post a link to some Star Trek fiction I wrote a looooooong time ago - it's a bit rough round the edges but I haven't looked at it for over 15 years - I've come quite a long way (I think) since I wrote this... (still it's not a bad idea for a story...

)

Devils in the Dark

Website · Post by **DaddyHoggy** » Mon Jul 06, 2009 11:14 pm

Well box says it's been downloaded twice...

...no news is good news as they say!

Diziet Sma · Post by **Diziet Sma** » Mon Jul 06, 2009 11:53 pm

I'm glad you reminded me, I was intending to come back to this when I had more time.

Read it.. enjoyed it..

CptnEcho · Post by **CptnEcho** » Tue Jul 07, 2009 3:10 am

Minor point. Both Yellow Alert and Red Alert procedures include the shields being raised.

In other respects, this could have been an actual episode of the ST:NG series.

Thanks for sharing.

Website · Post by **DaddyHoggy** » Tue Jul 07, 2009 11:02 am

CptnEcho wrote:
Minor point. Both Yellow Alert and Red Alert procedures include the shields being raised.

In other respects, this could have been an actual episode of the ST:NG series.

Thanks for sharing.

Wow! Thanks for the kind words and the techno-spot!

drew · Post by **drew** » Sun Jul 19, 2009 6:57 am

I enjoyed it too, but you've definitely improved in 15 years - quite a nice snapshot for you I would think.

Best bits :

Interaction with the Horta - very nicely done with the Vulcan mind meld
Good supplemental characters - the 12 year old girl was very interesting and the reader wants to know more about her
Space battle good

For improvement

Dialogue stilted in a number of places, particularly between father, daughter and Picard - though you might have been trying to make this look 'awkward'.
Scenes could do with more description - yes we know what the enterprise looks like, but could do with a bit more flavour
Didn't understand the motivation for the Union guy, negotiations on 'price' for the Horta would have taken place before the Enterprise arrived, not at the point of a phaser - too contrived in order to create some tension and the resolution was not very 'Picard'.

Bravo for posting up though - not sure I'd be so brave with some of my old works....!

Cheers,

Drew.

Website · Post by **DaddyHoggy** » Sun Jul 19, 2009 8:43 am

drew wrote:
I enjoyed it too, but you've definitely improved in 15 years - quite a nice snapshot for you I would think.

Best bits :

Interaction with the Horta - very nicely done with the Vulcan mind meld
Good supplemental characters - the 12 year old girl was very interesting and the reader wants to know more about her
Space battle good

For improvement

Dialogue stilted in a number of places, particularly between father, daughter and Picard - though you might have been trying to make this look 'awkward'.
Scenes could do with more description - yes we know what the enterprise looks like, but could do with a bit more flavour
Didn't understand the motivation for the Union guy, negotiations on 'price' for the Horta would have taken place before the Enterprise arrived, not at the point of a phaser - too contrived in order to create some tension and the resolution was not very 'Picard'.

Bravo for posting up though - not sure I'd be so brave with some of my old works....!

Cheers,

Drew.

Hi Drew,

quite a snapshot indeed! The Vulcan/Horta mind-meld was my favourite bit too - it took ages to get the "feel" right - which is why, writing to a deadline for the Starfleet Magazine, some of the rest wasn't as polished as I'd have hoped - and of course I don't think I was as good then either.

Stories like this are a good "mile marker" sometimes I don't think I've moved at all in my writing because its a long journey and the scenery can be very similar and the distant hills of publishing (other than self) still seem a long way off, but sometimes when you stop and take the time to look back along the road, it's more apparent that there have been a lot of "markers" on the path...

This is is one of my favourites - very short - and almost as old - but better I feel - although given it's message it didn't go down very well with my peers - I wrote it after a particularly odd Convention - where I discovered that my club had acquired "groupies"

http://www.box.net/shared/irmbcmcyv9