New (very) short story - "Nine"

drew · Post by **drew** » Thu May 14, 2009 2:10 pm

Here you go folks, a new story from me to christen the new forum with. Hope you enjoy!

The usual deal with feedback, typos etc

Nine

Cheers,

Drew.

ps... and now has Elite Wiki Entry

Post by **Disembodied** » Thu May 14, 2009 3:51 pm

Nice one, Drew!

Some typos/suggestions:

dias --> dais (p5, p7)

"The audience erupted with a mixture of mutterings and the subversive noise of discord." Is "erupted" the right word here, for mutterings? Maybe something like "A ripple of mutterings and the subversive sounds of discord ran through the audience." Or "Shouts of anger and dissent erupted from the audience." (also you use erupted on the next page)

I just ye not gentlemen --> I jest ye not

Stella cartography --> Stellar cartography

We loose more traders --> We lose more traders

high handed --> high-handed

many were on their feet, waving slips of paper demanding to be heard. --> many were on their feet, waving slips of paper and demanding to be heard. (otherwise it could be the slips of paper...)

“My prediction is simple.” he snapped once he was satisfied. --> “My prediction is simple,” he snapped, once he was satisfied. (for clarity)

PI --> pi

Is that what you we're going to say? -- Is that what you were going to say?

do you!? --> do you?

Is it worth loosing that over this theory of yours? --> Is it worth losing that over this theory of yours?

“Timeo danaos et donna ferentes, “Fitzroy began, --> “Timeo danaos et dona ferentes,” Fitzroy began,

And what gift to you bring? --> And what gift do you bring?

it's – well, unseemly! - you need a break --> it's – well, unseemly! You need a break

Rome wasn't build in... --> Rome wasn't build in...”

to finance the research, equipment, --> to finance the research equipment, (?)

"localised locations" --> might be better as "localised points", or "The construction of stable, short-range static wormholes"

only other object on-board --> only other object on board

"Wolfs" --> a bit awkward. Maybe just "escorts"?

pilots chair --> pilot’s chair

that there is wormhole beyond the eighth chart --> that there is somewhere beyond the eighth chart (?)

heart shocking despair --> heart-shocking despair

drew · Post by **drew** » Thu May 14, 2009 3:56 pm

Cheers Dude,

Knew I could rely on you!!

Will sort shortly.

Cheers,

Drew.

Website · Post by **DaddyHoggy** » Thu May 14, 2009 4:20 pm

Disembodied wrote:
Rome wasn't build in... --> Rome wasn't build in...”

"built" surely?

Stella cartography --> Stellar cartography

No, Stella Cartography is trying to plot your path home after a night out on the lash...

drew · Post by **drew** » Fri May 15, 2009 5:43 am

All changes uploaded - thanks Disembodied!

Let me know what you think folks!

Cheers,

Drew.

ClymAngus · Post by **ClymAngus** » Fri May 15, 2009 9:26 am

I love a good bit of horror in the evening. Space lends it's self rather well to the darker tales of existance.

We've had this, Calliope – a Captain Hesperus adventure which was all getting a bit "deliverence" there for a short while. Mutabils has some truely horrifying moments too.

There isn't a word for the moment of realisation of helplessness after going cock shore into a situation and finding yourself completely out of your depth.

With so many worlds, so many conflicts and so many races. Any individual is drowned out in the general din. There is so much that could be written about, there is a wonderful near universal fredom to this particular gazetteer.

(that's nice I like that. I think I'll use that for my map set. (The octagalactic vector Gazetteer) Just as soon as I work out how to get illistrator to inport xml data I'll be laughing.

Diziet Sma · Post by **Diziet Sma** » Fri May 15, 2009 10:44 am

ClymAngus wrote:
There isn't a word for the moment of realisation of helplessness after going cock shore into a situation and finding yourself completely out of your depth.

Perhaps not.. but there are two suitable two-word combos that have done sterling duty for generations...

Oh f*ck.

Oh cr*p.

Which is most suitable for which situation is best left to individual taste and circumstance..

Website · Post by **DaddyHoggy** » Fri May 15, 2009 11:23 am

It may be very short Drew - but "Nine" is beautifully formed.

Cracking tale.

Well done.

(more effort required on Lazarus to compensate for your greatness - part III should be available over the weekend)

Rebecca · Post by **Rebecca** » Fri May 15, 2009 12:05 pm

Urrrrrrr.... that freaked me out!!!

enjoyed it though.... obsession in space....

cool writing

B

drew · Post by **drew** » Fri May 15, 2009 12:12 pm

Thanks for the compliments folks, always appreciated!

Is it 'horror'? Suppose it is really. I wrote it more as a 'tales of the unexpected' if anyone remembers that!

As for the jumping in and getting stuck, I rather like the 'english reserve' way of putting it.

"Ah. Should have thought about that a bit harder."

Cheers,

Drew.

Website · Post by **DaddyHoggy** » Fri May 15, 2009 12:21 pm

Drew wrote:
Is it 'horror'? Suppose it is really. I wrote it more as a 'tales of the unexpected' if anyone remembers that!

Yeh - go silhouette of dancing naked woman.

No, don't remember it at all

Captain Tylor · Post by **Captain Tylor** » Fri May 15, 2009 8:08 pm

Yeah I remember Tales of the Unexpected.
Keep going

loving your stories.
Did you finish anything non Oolite related.
Would be interested to give a read.

drew · Post by **drew** » Fri May 15, 2009 10:28 pm

Did you finish anything non Oolite related.
Would be interested to give a read.

No... not recently! Must get focussed on that!

Cheers,

Drew.

Post by **another_commander** » Fri May 15, 2009 10:33 pm

Very nicely written story indeed. I would like to see more fiction of this style, short and twilight-zone like. Compliments, Drew.

Website · Post by **DaddyHoggy** » Fri May 15, 2009 10:40 pm

Lazarus is going to be fairly short (mainly because I have lots of deadlines for my other scribblings!) - although it's not Twilight-zone-a-like - I'm hoping for mildly amusing!