Rise of the Kirin (Chapters 10 & 11)

[Cmdr Wyvern]

We have a special treat for you spacedogs, Chapter 11 comes in three acts.
So without further ado, the curtain rises...

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Chapter 10 (Mind Hack)
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Udian Shulth retracted himself from one of the Hammer's many bio-interfaces. The feeling of sensory loss always left him cold. He would have to do something about that; leaving a pilot momentarily disorientated whilst they worked out where the ship began and where they ended, was a luxury any commander could ill afford. The shattered Krait spun lazily, roughly a kilometer away off to starboard. The catch had been simple enough, by the time he had de-cloaked, the krait was already reeling from one emerald green plasma blast with another on the way. This had convinced its occupant to eject, where upon he had been dutifully scooped up and confined to the brig.

Flanked by two guards, this tired, heavily scarred old man made his way slowly to meet the erstwhile raider. Upon entering the brig, Udian was subjected to a rare and almost refreshing barrage of verbal abuse.

"What the frak do you think your doing? I'll have the Corp down on you like a ton of bricks for this! I know people! I've got a lot of friends here. When I'm done you'll never dock anywhere again. You like flashing blue? Well, you'd better get used to it, that's all you'll be seeing from here on in, you farntless forknuggers!"

This two-bit pirate had made a serious error of judgement. His assumption of strength was not based on the ship which almost killed him but the stature of the man he found himself facing now. This flaw was a telling one. Udian sensed the unmistakable scent of adrenalin in the air. Fight or flight. As fight wasn't an option for this piece of interstellar lung lint, then flight thinly veiled behind dumb, semi-suicidal bravado was the only other possible alternative. This man was a house of cards that would take the merest whisper to bring crashing down. "The fact you have an escape pod," Udian began, "leads me to believe that you are adequately insured against the loss of your ship. Convincing said insurer to pay out after they realize its destruction coincided with your misguided foray into piracy, that may be a little more difficult to pull off. Still, the Shulth family would be happy to cover the cost of the cargo you stole from your former compatriots. I trust their frozen corpses didn't clog your fuel scoop?"

"Did you say Shulth?" Meetuck's fear-fueled confidence evaporated, leaving just the fear.

"Yes, that is correct. Now you have some idea of the situation you've found yourself in. I would really like to know the events that led up to our chance meeting. In as much detail as you can muster, if you please."

Vin related his story as quickly and concisely as he could. The old man listened intently and seemed especially interested in the Corporal that had hired him. Still, to Meechuck's growing dismay, Udian seemed disappointingly dissatisfied.

Shulth considered for a moment, "There is of course still a small problem here my friend. Although I fully realize you wish to co-operate." Udian raised his head and tasted the air once more "I can smell your considerable distress from here" The old man took a painful step forward. "I do have serious doubts regarding your ability to recall events with the necessary detail."

Vin took a step back "What do you mean?" The two guards immediately locked onto him like a vice.

"Unfortunately in order to discover the information I require, I can't just simply interrogate you. I have to directly access your memories. I realize that this could be some what psychologically disturbing, suffering such an intimate physical invasion. Please rest assured I will be as quick as I can" Udian removed his own lower jaw. His portable translator activated, effortlessly turning his gurgles and wet clicks into the rest of his sentence. "and leave as little damage as possible."

Meechuck Vin of course, did what any coward would do in his position - he struggled violently, and when that failed he began to scream hysterically, and when that too wasn't enough, he forcefully lost control of his bodily functions. Because by that point, losing control was the only real control he had left.

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Chapter 11a (Special Delivery)
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The factory platform's landing deck hands watched with quiet awe as the huge bulk of an advanced, heavily armed freighter extended three landing pads, each nearly the size of a Sidewinder, and touched down with ponderous grace in Berth number three. The monstrous machine vented coolant steam as it's three massive engines shut down, then it's cargo ramp unlocked from the hull and slowly unfolded to the floor of the berth.

As used to advanced starship designs as the employees of Pteredyne were, the Kirin prototype was beyond their wildest imaginations. It was a full three minutes before anyone spoke.

"Holy Braben," a deckhand muttered to a comrade, "The village of New Boston lifted off from planet side and landed on our deck!"

"Well don't stand there gawking, people," the deck foreman yelled. "Get moving! Let's not keep the good Captain waiting."

It was another full minute before several forklifts started up and began to drive up the Kirin's cargo ramp. The cargo wasn't going to unload itself after all, and they weren't paid to stand and stare. The service trucks of repair crews soon followed, as the ship's captain had ordered immediate repairs to hull and equipment damage.

It was then that the captain and first mate came down the ramp, both dressed in average rock driller's garb, the big scarred reptilian commander hefting a UPS canister over his shoulder. To most at Pteredyne, these two were well known and well liked, having been freelancer test crew on a number of occasions, most recently with the Dragon and Xarik prototypes. The skills of Roh'i and DeFlores were nothing short of legendary at Pteredyne. The coffee machine rumors started flying as fast as a Constrictor on full injectors; there was already speculation on how Roh'i got ahold of such a ship.

After a word with the foreman, the two headed for the offices section of the platform with the UPS container. Behind them, a large blue centaurid managed to sneak aboard the Kirin unseen.

If the presence of the giant freighter berthed on the landing deck wasn't enough to cause a stir with the suits, the contents of the container was. Within were data cartridges containing the full specs and blueprints of the Kirin, both civilian and military variants, and a rush order to begin production of 100 of each, signed by none other than Udian Shulth. The cartridges were quickly copied and the data rushed to manufacturing, then the container handed back to the mildly baffled Roh'i, who decided to corner the station's CEO and ask a few questions.

"Something smells off here, Jace. Who or what the hell is this Shulth they keep whispering about?"

The manager turned a shade paler than usual. "You mean, you don't know?"

"Not a clue. I don't get in folk's business till they make it my business, you know that. And for better or worse, this became my business. Let's have it."

Jace spun a wild yarn about genetic manipulations and fierce wars which cost billions of lives and credits, and almost brought GalCop to the brink of collapse. Events which to Roh'i were all so much ancient history well before the opening rounds of the Thargoid Wars...and as farfetched as the tales of Raxxla.

Roh'i shook his head in baffled disbelief, "Hold on here. You're telling me that these folks fraked it up royally, disappeared for hundreds of years, then make a reappearance once they think the heat is off? Well... wrap me around the Empress and call me a corset."

"You're too ugly to make into a royal corset," Jace quipped back. "But seriously Derik, that's exactly what I'm saying. For what ever reasons - your reputation, perhaps - I believe the Shulth have taken a liking to you. That can be a good thing, or really bad voodoo. Watch your tail out there, old friend."

"Oh, I intend to. So far they haven't shown any want to blow me from the sky, even seem to be benevolent in an oddly detached way. Besides, for what crimes they may be accused of, I'm sure the statute of limitations has long since ran out. A hunter gains nothing but fugitive status for blasting clean ships, and that's one thing I can't afford."

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Chapter 11b (The Plot Thickens)
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Back aboard the /Therenback/ and the UPS container safely stowed, Roh'i sat listening to the distant thumps of the repair crews patching up the hull, while Ramania worked on replacing the cell in his cybernetic eye. These are sophisticated and compact electro-optical devices: removing his from its socket and changing out the lithium cell wasn't a task Roh'i could handle by himself. Nor was he fit to fly while the eye was off-lined, as its removal left him half blind. So, he relaxed and quietly mulled over what Jace had told him.

As if on cue, the terminal beeped for attention. "I don't have to guess who that is," Roh'i thought as he fumbled for the receive call key. As expected, the screen remained black except for a connected call indicator. "Good afternoon, Mr. Roh'i. Umm... Lost a hoopy game?"

Roh'i shook his head and chuckled. "No, nothing so drastic. I needed a power cell change." He tilted his head over, letting Ramania reinstall the eye. "And we got a tad shot up at the witch beacon, so a little layover for repairs, too."

"Which brings us directly to the nature of this communication. I have reason to believe you were being hunted deliberately. We captured one of the criminals responsible for that assault, and he was quite happy to divulge that he was employed by a military officer."

"Hold on. You saw that fight?"

"To be honest, yes. We've been following you under cloak, just out of mass lock range. Why pass up the chance to see how the Kirin performs in your capable hands? It's quite an enjoyable show. By the way, you managed to defeat the officer in question, which results in you being safe from further organized attacks for the time being."

Roh'i sat bolt upright, "Well frak me! By the way that sounds, our old lard arse 'friend' is up to some dirty tricks. I thought that Dragon pilot was better than usual..."

"But not good enough. You are refreshingly, brutally efficient, Mr. Roh'i. I have chosen well."

"Alright, thanks for the compliments. Now that I know that attack dogs are after my hide, I have a bag of tricks of my own. Faked flight plans, calling in some favors, and even the cloak you helpfully installed on this beast." Roh'i leaned back to let Ramania complete the installation of his eye. "So, Mys... Oh frak it, you must be getting tired of that moniker by now. Mr. Shulth, where do we go from here?"

There was a hiss of surprise from the other end. "How did you find out?"

Roh'i chuckled softly, "Ghost stories. Tales of wonder. Rumors and nonsense, all sounding as moon-bat crazy as Raxxla or the Dutchman. A lot of it is just too surreal to believe, and the rest that might have some truth to it, heh, way before my time."

"I was actually starting to enjoy being called the Mystery Man. Oh well. I suppose you're going to be a good hunter and turn your talents on me now?"

"Nope. The past is the past. It's the present and the future that concerns me. No grudges held against you here, Mr. Shulth." Roh'i reached over and snugged Ramania, whom had been strangely silent the whole time. "In particular, it's Kitten's future that concerns me most."

Shulth almost sounded relieved, "Very well. Mr. Roh'i, or should I say Captain Roh'i, I determine that the trials are concluded. Full production can begin immediately. You may return to Tibecea. But, do not take the straight route. Instead, visit these locations along the way, and deliver the UPS container." The terminal screen lit up with a listing of practically all the medium to high tech shipyards in chart 1 between Enonla and Tibecea. "You are free to hire additional crew and make cargo runs as you see fit, but do not lose that container. Ensure at all listed stops that it's contents are copied and returned. I am investing considerable trust in you, Captain. Please do not let me down."

Roh'i nodded, "Will do. Captain Roh'i, I rather like the ring of that... When we get back to Tibecea, what then? Put any thought into that?"

"I have, actually. The General still holds my kin hostage, and your /Tiomat/ under false charges. He shall have to be dealt with in due time. Be prepared, you may yet have to play a pivotal role. Farewell for now, Captain. I shall contact you again shortly."

As soon as the connection died, Ramania spoke up. "Captain, eh? Betcha didn't see that one coming, huh Boss?"

Roh'i chuckles then squeezed her gently, "It would've blindsided me with both eyes in. Get some sleep Kitten, I'm going aft to see how they're doing on the repairs."

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Chapter 11c (Esei)
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While Roh'i strolled past the empty crew suites, he failed to notice one door opened slightly, or the eye watching him walk past. "mmm... Big fella," the stowaway thought. "Dangerous..." noting his claw-tipped fingers, and the blaster at his side. Esei ur Nelp settled herself down on the floor of the stateroom, and prayed to the Happy Eye that she weathered the trip to this splendid ship's next stop safely...and at least found a job there. Very few wanted to hire space gypsies like her, and it was getting hard to afford a decent meal, let alone anything else. Alas, the Happy Eye answers prayers in strange ways, but not always by knocking a chair over with your tail.

Roh'i heard a frightened grunt and something hitting the deck with a crash in one of the staterooms. He went to the door and quickly yanked it open, pulling his blaster, "Come out of there, or I'll shoot you and drag you out."

"eep! Yesh...Yesh shir!" Esei plodded out of the stateroom, a blue-scaled centaurid creature roughly the size of a draft horse and just as muscular. "Ahm sho sorry, shir! Pleashe don't shoot me!"

Roh'i backed up, looking the huge, and very timid creature over. The strangely horselike alien reptile was unarmed, and indeed unclothed save a crude harness of leather and nylon straps from which various drawstring pouches hung. It was also impossible for Roh'i to determine the creature's gender, if any. The massive creature stood on four large, short toed paws, sported short horns on it's head, and had a tail nearly as long as his or her body. The being's body language said herd mentality all over. This along with the Happy Eye medallion the being wore on a neck chain told Roh'i this was a sworn pacifist. The creature was also on the edge of malnourishment; it's ribs were showing. "Another lost soul. I'll give this poor starving tosser a chance too. *sigh* Shulth is right, I do have a soft spot," Roh'i thought to himself. "I won't, if you tell me who you are and what you were doing hiding in there."

To Roh'i amusement, the stranger saluted him. "Esei ur Nelp atcher shervice, shir! I wash jush lookin' fer work, shir!"

Roh'i grinned at Esei and holstered his weapon. "Alright, that sounds honest enough. I need a cargo-master, and you certainly look sturdy enough to handle that. How does 500 credits a week plus room and board expenses covered sound to ya, Esei?"

Esei squealed and caught Roh'i up in a bear hug almost powerful enough to squeeze the wind from him. "Oh thank you shir! Ah'll do my besh, I promish!" "Ok, ok," Roh'i gasped, "Let me down willya?"

Esei blushed bright blue and set Roh'i down, "Shorry, shir."

"The apartment you were hiding in is much too small for you, Esei. Feel free to pick the largest one you can find, ok? And don't call me sir, I work for a living!" He chuckled and nudged Esei gently, "I run an informal but tight ship. I'm Derik Roh'i, the captain, and you're aboard the /Therenback/. Call me anything you like, as long as you're not cussing me out. Meanwhile, I was on the way to see how the repairs were going. Care to tag along?"

Esei caught up and fell into step behind her new Captain, apparently already getting comfortable with him. Inwardly, she was thanking the Eye for her good fortune. No-one had ever treated her with respect before, or offered her that much! She was even more grateful that she didn't offend the Captain, and even made him laugh a little, and for once not at her slurred speech.
"I need you to understand this may only be a temporary job, Esei," the Captain was saying, "But while you're with us, I'll see to it that you're well fed and have some decent duds." Esei felt a tear roll down her cheek. For a little while, life would be good, better than she had hoped. "Thank you, Capt'n," she said, and offered her Captain a grateful smile.

[overmage]

As it is a sophisticated and compact electro-optical device, removing it from its socket and changing out the lithium cell wasn't a task Roh'i could handle by himself.

As it was a sophisticated... this story is set in the past.

Another lost soul. I'll give this poor starving tosser a chance too. *sigh* Shulth is right, I do have a soft spot," Roh'i thought to himself.

*sigh*... rings badly, smacks of netspeak maybe try something like,

Another lost soul. I'll give this poor starving tosser a chance too." He sighed. "Mr. Shulth is right, I do have a soft spot," Roh'i thought to himself.

Otherwise, right on Commander!

[DaddyHoggy]

Thoughts, being thoughts, rather than speech, generally do not require speech marks...

[ClymAngus]

First of my horror chapters . Weeee!

[_ds_]

Thoughts, being thoughts, rather than speech, generally do not require speech marks...

A way of indicating that they're thoughts is still useful, though. I think that using italics works well.

Anyway, I've updated my OOo version of this with the new chapters, lightly tidied as before. I've put "chapter 11" in as three chapters since each is titled and there's no overall title; and anyway doing this fits in better with the earlier, short, chapters.

Download: .odt, .pdf.

[Cmdr Wyvern]

@DS -
You're wasting your efforts. We planned all along to put the completed work into a .pdf, complete with some artwork. AFTER the nitpickers are done nitpicking; you lot are good proofreaders, that's why we're posting the drafts here.

@Overmage -

this story is set in the past.

What makes you so certain of that?
The events could be in the in the future for all you know, or even happening in the present.

From our perspective, it's present tense. Since we're the guys writing it, we'll go by our perspective, thank you.

[Disembodied]

this story is set in the past.

What makes you so certain of that?
The events could be in the in the future for all you know, or even happening in the present.

From our perspective, it's present tense. Since we're the guys writing it, we'll go by our perspective, thank you.

I think Overmage is right, here: the story is told in the past tense (which is not to say that it's not set in the future, or that you can't, for stylistic reasons, drop into a present-tense mode, say in a fight scene for example). But it's problematic when the narrative voice mixes tenses. The paragrah in question currently reads:

Back aboard the /Therenback/ and the UPS container safely stowed, Roh'i sat listening to the distant thumps of the repair crews patching up the hull, while Ramania worked on replacing the cell in his cybernetic eye. As it is a sophisticated and compact electro-optical device, removing it from its socket and changing out the lithium cell wasn't a task Roh'i could handle by himself. Nor was he fit to fly while the eye was off-lined, as its removal left him half blind. So, he relaxed and quietly mulled over what Jace had told him.

(I'm not trying to get schoolmarmy here, I hope you realise! It's just an easy way to illustrate the point ... ) All the red verbs are in the past tense. The blue one is in the present tense. It's part of the narrative voice, not a piece of dialogue, and it shouldn't change half-way through. Although of course it could, if the narrative voice wasn't (like here) a separate, omniscient entity, i.e. if the story was being told to the reader by a character, as if in conversation. One option isn't better than the other, but they both have restrictions on how you can use them.

Although again ... reading over it, I think there could be a way to keep this one term in the present tense. You could say

Back aboard the /Therenback/ and the UPS container safely stowed, Roh'i sat listening to the distant thumps of the repair crews patching up the hull, while Ramania worked on replacing the cell in his cybernetic eye. These are sophisticated and compact electro-optical devices: removing his from its socket and changing out the lithium cell wasn't a task Roh'i could handle by himself. Nor was he fit to fly while the eye was off-lined, as its removal left him half blind. So, he relaxed and quietly mulled over what Jace had told him.

I don't know why that works but I think it does ... making it into a non-specific comment about cybernetic eyes in general, rather than a specific one about Roh'i's own personal eye, seems to work. But generally speaking it would be easier just to change it from "is" to was".

[_ds_]

@DS -
You're wasting your efforts. We planned all along to put the completed work into a .pdf, complete with some artwork. AFTER the nitpickers are done nitpicking; you lot are good proofreaders, that's why we're posting the drafts here.

Not really: that's where I'm putting my nit-picking.

[Cmdr Wyvern]

Righty, 11b fixed with Disembodied's suggestions.
I can appreciate it when the nitpickery comes as clear as the glass containing that brain.

@DS -
You've got the general format down.
Though you're missing out on the art we're preparing for the finished product, and was it necessary to mess with the cover art?

[pagroove]

Nice to read the tales of some non-human lifeforms

[ClymAngus]

@DS -
You've got the general format down.
Though you're missing out on the art we're preparing for the finished product, and was it necessary to mess with the cover art?

Whatcha got something against rain-bow?
It does look a little retro. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing. Still, such is the nature of CC copyright. I think I'm with Oscar Wilde on this one.

"There is only one thing worse than being talked about, and that's not being talked about."

If the total cost of surfing a small wave on the internet zeit guist is rainbow lettering and the odd gramatical error correction then maybe, just maybe we lucked out.

[overmage]

@DS -
@Overmage -

this story is set in the past.

What makes you so certain of that?
The events could be in the in the future for all you know, or even happening in the present.

From our perspective, it's present tense. Since we're the guys writing it, we'll go by our perspective, thank you.

i guess i didn't really make myself clear, when i said it was set in the past i meant that you wrote pretty much everything in past tense... meaning it is set 'in the past' as in 'in the past tense'...

I think Overmage is right, here: the story is told in the past tense (which is not to say that it's not set in the future, or that you can't, for stylistic reasons, drop into a present-tense mode, say in a fight scene for example). But it's problematic when the narrative voice mixes tenses.

put what i can't really say clearly at 3am in the morning =/ i did put a more precise explanation of what i meant in the previous chapter posts, but meh. There is a specific form of narrative that is pure present tense, a good example would be The Towers of the Sunset by L.E. Modesitt, J.R..

oh well. shrug. sorry if i offended. i had no intention to dictate terms, all my criticism is from a purely grammar nazi viewpoint...

edit: i think i'm trying too hard to pretend i'm not disappointed at the harsh stingback.

[ClymAngus]

edit: i think i'm trying too hard to pretend i'm not disappointed at the harsh stingback.

Hey we can't all be tree hugging hippies like me. In the cosmic sceme of things there is a yin and a yang to this creative dynamic. Deplomacy is not a trait best symbolized by yang.

[Azathoth]

I’d like to say a BIG thank you to everyone involved in this thread. Especially the authors of the novel.

I’ve reframed from reading this past the first chapter as I want to enjoy the finished product. Back in the day I only got a 4(fail) English O’grade and only got it later in collage when it was called “communications” and only involved talking crap to a video camera for 5 minutes.

So, as you can see I have a hard time constructing a post on a message board, let alone write a story.

Hats off to ya!!!

[_ds_]

You've got the general format down.

Good to hear…

Though you're missing out on the art we're preparing for the finished product, and was it necessary to mess with the cover art?

Call it experimentation; I don't mind changing it. It's easy to re-do in Inkscape: take some text, convert to outline, use Effects → Modify path → Edge 3D. (The font is "Detonate BRK"; the title colours are because of a line saying that the ship is intended for use in fighting Thargoids.)

Now, if anybody happens to have a convenient vector graphics (pref. SVG) version of the Oolite logo… I could do my own, but if one already exists, that'd be preferred