Rise of the Kirin (Chapts 2 through 5)

Cmdr Wyvern · Post by **Cmdr Wyvern** » Fri Apr 10, 2009 6:52 am

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Chapter 2 (Getting Settled)
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Ramania DeFlores, Derik's young felinid employee and companion, looked around the Kirin prototype's cavern of a bridge. "Wow, what a monster!" she exclaimed. "I almost can't wait to see the living quarters."

"Why don't you do that as you stow our duffels," chuckled the reptilian with a fond squeeze of her shoulder. "We're going to be aboard this tub for awhile, shaking the bugs out. Get familiar with her, Kitten." DeFlores scooped up the bags, "You got it, Boss," and skipped off towards down the corridor leading to the LQ, swishing her tail. Roh'i set about examining the pilot's chair, "hmmm. Good thing someone considered adjustable seats," and was adjusting the chair for his height and tail as Ramania returned.

Roh'i asked, "Got it all stashed?"

"Sure thing, Boss." Ramania flopped into the engineering station chair with an easy lack of grace, and began calling up systems readouts. Roh'i settled himself into the pilot's seat, and wrapped his hands around the yoke handles to test the control action. "While you're in there, check for anomalies that may point to a hidden warhead," he remarked to his crew mate. "I have a hunch our 'employers' aren't on the level and may pull an unpleasant, and lethal surprise on us."

Ramania looked to her boss, "Suspicious of something, Boss?"

Roh'i nodded to her, "Something about this deal smells very dishonest to me, Kitten. As you know, crooks are everywhere. Found anything?"

"Not yet...Wait, what's that?" Ramania tapped on the console, "Prob'ly just a glitch in the power systems, but I'll keep checking."

Roh'i nods to her, "Yeah, do that. Meanwhile, begin powering her up. If there's a bomb, we'll eject it into a sun somewhere."

Ramania tapped commands into her console, and the ship sprang to life around them. Roh'i opened a comm channel, "Control, this is Kirin 1-X, umm..." The ship needs a name, he thought. ".../Therenback/, requesting launch."

"Copy, /Therenback/," came the reply, "Launch granted. Stand by, automated launch in three minutes. Have a good flight, /Therenback/." "Thank you, Control. /Therenback/ standing by." Roh'i closed the channel, "Another adventure begins, Kitten."

What an adventure it would turn out to be.

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Chapter 3 (Shell Game)
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On the station's viewing deck the droid and general watched as the giant tear-shaped craft swept gently beyond the bounds of the docking slit. The general's grip tightened on the hand rail. "Why him of all people? I have hundreds of test pilots."

The hooded figure moved slightly. "That particular family has excellent genetics. Also I like to keep things as simple as possible, by making life difficult for those who stand in my way. You have my kin. You now have some of the best mineral tech money can buy, blue prints practically for free. I'll be damned if I'll see you in total control of the sea trials too. Whilst it is true that you have a certain amount of leverage and I have slight sympathy with your cause, please do not mistake us for comrades. This is business pure and simple."

Gouglass smirked, "It must really hurt to be caught in such a simple trap, Shulth."

The droid turned, its eyes burning. "You have your family's genetic propensity to gloat, a dangerous trait for someone with such a tenuous control of the situation. You really need to learn to quit when you're ahead. Your father didn't know when to stop either, and look what happened to him."

The colour drained from Gouglass' face. The machine continued, "The deal stands. You get a dry ware ship, NO wet ware, but with enough tech to keep your R&D departments happy for decades. As soon as the trials are complete, a complete schematic will be delivered by the family to several independent ship yards. This is a tool to help you fight the Thargoid war and will not to be used for general oppression. The easiest way to assure that is to give access to everyone. My great great grand daughter will be returned to me, she will be bio-scanned and if I find so much as a hair out of place, I will be zeroing four core galcorp worlds, starting with your home planet. If you have a tiger by the tail, General, it is wise to remember that he still has claws."

Gouglass began to open his mouth, but the droid ignored him. "This is pointless. Everyone gets what everyone wants. Don't be foolish enough to trade in a physical win for a pyrrhic emotional victory."
It turned to walk away, "Enjoy the show, we'll be in touch."

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Chapter 4 (Respite)
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It had been an easy shakedown cruise so far, the Kirin prototype showing some quirky behaviour at first, then settling down as Ramania found bugs in the flight system's programming and fixed them. Along the way, they had got in some milk run trading, using the ship's cavern of a hold to make a respectable windfall, well enough to kit it up with the neccessary combat equipment.

Now taking a rest at Oresle while the remainder of the equipment, beam lasers, injectors, military missiles and scoop were installed, Roh'i, needing less sleep than his young companion scanned the local news channels while holding Ramania. Ramania had suffered a nightmare earlier, and as was her habit during those times, had climbed into his lap and fell asleep against him.

The computer terminal beeped for attention, signalling an incoming call. Roh'i patted Ramania's shoulder gently and shook her awake, grinning as the felinid stirred in his lap, then reached to tap the accept call key. The terminal screen showed a live connection, but otherwise remained blank with no video. "Quite a touching scene. Looks like the infamous Wyvern has a soft spot among all the scales and scars after all." came the caller's electronically distorted voice. "I hope I'm not being a disturbance."

"I figured it would be you calling, Mystery Man," rumbled Roh'i. "And my soft spots are none of your concern. I take it you're calling about the ship?"

"Very intuitive, Mr. Roh'i. How do you and your...companion, find her?"

"Understand that I'm used to the handling of fighters," Roh'i answered. "I'm not a trader, so freighters aren't my usual choice in ship. With that in mind, your Kirin looks like a freighter, flies like a freighter...you get it, it's a freighter. Any pilot worth the ink on his ticket can fly a freighter, even in combat. As a freighter, it handles well, and has a respectable bite in battle, at least against pirates. I'll lay odds it'll live up to the design expectations. As for the rest we found, I'll let Ramania here have the say. I don't keep her around just because she's warm and cute." Roh'i grinned, "Although those are good reasons."

"Very well," the caller noted. "What's your take, little miss?"

Ramania grinned, and fed a data disk into the terminal. "Here are the flight recorder data, and performance improvements I programmed into the flight computer. I added some revised specs for the power system; I found some instability there that didn't look right to me."

There was almost an audible smile in the caller's masked voice. "Cute and smart. I thank you, Miss Ramania."

"Aww, y'welcome. It's what I do."

"Excellent. Good work, both of you. I'm uploading co-ordinates to your navigational array now" The mystery caller continued, "I'll meet you via proxy at the pre-agreed location."

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Chapter 5 (Respite pt2)
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Udian Foraga Shulth felt the space around him, deep and infinite. He'd forgotten how lonely and cold being a ship could be. A small seed of fragile life bobbing in an inhospitable sea. It wasn't as if he was alone however. The Hammer's synthetic mind, (with whom he currently shared a body) was by all accounts the nicest kind of schizophrenia. The small but dedicated crew, mostly creations or relations went about their light duties, bio-forms and nano-tech swarmed and eddied. Repairing, replacing and consuming in beautiful symbiotic unity. Still, it's all about perspective and when you are the ship forging through nothingness, the size of it all can easily lead to thoughts of melancholy. Udian pushed this away. There were bigger issues to address and this respite between trials was the perfect time to think. Things had been going well, but this whole situation had not been of his making and that worried him. Getting Roh'i involved, however, had been a master stroke. 'He's not on my side or the military, which complicates things for whoever is pulling the strings,' he thought.

This wasn't about being blackmailed into designing a ship, although lord only knows the universe needed a good sized trader that could actually defend itself. No, this was about someone trying to get him to stick his neck out just far enough so they could take a good swing at it. Good thing the Hammer was packing a modified photon refractor. Having bio-plates pigmented with Melanin didn't hurt either. Whatever was going to happen he needed to be ready for it. Shulth reviewed the cargo manifest; 14 medium yield plasma turrets. If he was going to be flying back into a trap it would be prudent to halve the odds. It was time to give the Kirin her full set of teeth.

overmage · Post by **overmage** » Fri Apr 10, 2009 4:10 pm

Ok, hope you don't mind if i post a critique again! D:

"Wow, what a monster!" Ramania DeFlores, Derik's young felinid employee and companion exclaimed, looking around the Kirin prototype's cavern of a bridge. "I almost can't wait to see the living quarters."

Not sure how to put it, but “…!” XXX, xxxxxxxxxxxx exclaimed… doesn’t sit right with me. I’m no good at explaining this… Something like:

"Wow, what a monster!" Ramania DeFlores, Derik's employee and companion looked around the Kirin prototype's cavern of a bridge as she spoke. "I almost can't wait to see the living quarters."

Ramania looked to her boss, "Suspicious of something, Boss?" Roh'i nodded to her, "Something about this deal smells very dishonest to me, Kitten. As you know, crooks are everywhere. Found anything?"

Splitting this up would help, as well as changing the comma to a fullstop.:

Ramania looked to her boss, "Suspicious of something, Boss?"

Roh'i nodded to her. "Something about this deal smells very dishonest to me, Kitten. As you know, crooks are everywhere. Found anything?"

On the stations viewing deck the droid and general watched as the giant tear-shaped craft swept gently beyond the bounds of the docking slit. The general's grip tightened on the hand rail. "Why him of all people? I have hundreds of test pilots."

An apostrophe after stations

unless you mean there are several stations! Also, splitting this up would help. Remember, the paragraphs may look short now, but here a line is 20+ words. In a real book, a line is only 10-15 words.

The hooded figure moved slightly. "That particular race have excellent genetics, also I like to keep things as simple as possible, by making life difficult for those who stand in my way.

That particular race has excellent genetics. Sorry, grammar nazi D: Also, the entire sentence is connected by too many commas, making it run-on. Perhaps consider something like

The hooded figure moved slightly. "That particular race has excellent genetics. Also, I like to keep things as simple as possible by making life difficult for those who stand in my way.

Gouglass said sarcastically, "It must really hurt to be caught in such a simple trap, Shulth."

Not sure how to put this. As a general rule, it does not help to use descriptor words in speech. You want to let the reader know that the speech is sarcastic, merely from the choice of words used. For example,

He failed to see the pole swing back to smack him in the head. When he next came to, he was looking up at a pair of worried brown eyes.

“Are you all right?”

He struggled to see through the stars swimming through his vision. “Oh yeah, I’m fine. I do this all the time for fun, you know.”

Trech winced, and Haxel immediately felt like an idiot. It was not Trech’s fault that the pole was loose.

You want to give sacarsm through the actual words rather than stating that somebody “said sacarstically.” Generally, it is a good idea to only use these descriptors when the possible meaning of the sentence could be misconstrued as being heartfelt rather than the sacarsm it was actually meant to depict. (Credit for this goes to Sara Douglass) I would suggest something like:

Gouglass smirked. "It must really hurt to be caught in such a simple trap, Shulth."

The droid turned its eyes burning.

This should begin on a new line, as the action shifts to a new point of view. Also, The droid turned, its eyes burning. You need the comma

The machine continued, "The deal stands. You get a dry ware ship, NO wet ware, …

capitals… I know this is divided opinion among writers, but I am certainly not a fan of using all caps for emphasis. Italics works much better for me. Capitalization is, to me, a crude way to achieve emphasis, the equivalent of e-shouting =/

The general began to formulate a response, the droid didn't let him finish.

Essentially two different sentences, they should either be separated by a semicolon (which still reads strangely), or split into two. Also, the droid technically can’t let the general finish what he never started, since the general never got to say anything

For example:

Gouglass began to open his mouth, but the droid ignored him. "This is pointless. Everyone gets what they want. Don't be foolish enough to trade in a physical win for a pyrrhic emotional victory."

It turned to walk away. "Enjoy the show. We'll be in touch."

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critique aside, im curious to know what happens next

Post by **Disembodied** » Fri Apr 10, 2009 6:05 pm

"Wow, what a monster!" Ramania DeFlores, Derik's young felinid employee and companion exclaimed, looking around the Kirin prototype's cavern of a bridge. "I almost can't wait to see the living quarters."

I think Overmage is right here. It could be adjusted to

Ramania DeFlores, Derik's young felinid employee and companion, looked around the Kirin prototype's cavern of a bridge. "Wow, what a monster!" she exclaimed. "I almost can't wait to see the living quarters."

"While you're in there, check for anomalies that may point to a hidden warhead," he asides to his crew mate.

Change of tense. Should be

"While you're in there, check for anomalies that may point to a hidden warhead," he remarked to his crew mate.

(or said, or advised, or added – but past tense, anyway)

Other points of detail: "blueprints" is one word; so (probably) are "wetware" and "dryware".

Keep it up, though!

Rebecca · Post by **Rebecca** » Sat Apr 11, 2009 7:32 am

too short!! just getting into it and it finished!!!

more!

B

Cmdr Wyvern · Post by **Cmdr Wyvern** » Sat Apr 11, 2009 2:26 pm

Righto, chapters one and two gone over and fixed.

It's pretty clear by now that Clym and I aren't professional writers by a long shot. Without the assistance of all you grammar nazis and nitpickers in proofreading, we'd be hauled off to the lockup for the brutal murder of the English language.

@Becky: More is one the way. Have patience, young padewan.

Lestradae · Post by **Lestradae** » Sat Apr 11, 2009 2:30 pm

Cmdr Wyvern wrote:
... Without the assistance of all you grammar nazis and nitpickers in proofreading, we'd be hauled off to the lockup for the brutal murder of the English language.

@Becky: More is one the way. Have patience, young padewan.

That's padawan, my dear.

overmage · Post by **overmage** » Sat Apr 11, 2009 5:22 pm

LOL L

Yes much better now! Me likey! More please!

Cmdr Wyvern · Post by **Cmdr Wyvern** » Mon Apr 13, 2009 1:51 pm

Next installment!

Website · Post by **DaddyHoggy** » Mon Apr 13, 2009 7:36 pm

Nice piccie! What? Where? How?

Cmdr Wyvern · Post by **Cmdr Wyvern** » Mon Apr 13, 2009 9:29 pm

What do you think of the next two chapters of the story?

Yes, there's more. Go to the first post and read all about it.

Screet · Post by **Screet** » Mon Apr 13, 2009 10:03 pm

Cmdr Wyvern wrote:
What do you think of the next two chapters of the story?

They're still soooo short. Makes me feel like I should wait until everything is written instead of reading those tiny bits...once I'm back into the story, I've to wait some more days once again

*GRRR* I bet I couldn't wait though...as I did read those new chapters already some hours ago...

...ohhh, and it made me wonder if there should be some buyable plating for ships that might require repairs from time to time or slowly rebuilds itself, which helps to reduce damage to the ship after the shields are gone.

Screet

ClymAngus · Post by **ClymAngus** » Mon Apr 13, 2009 11:36 pm

DaddyHoggy wrote:
Nice piccie! What? Where? How?

Wyvern is a linux guru and I work in one of the biggest post production houses in the UK. Pictures like this are easy to hack together. I managed a detonating station for the front cover after all.

drew · Post by **drew** » Tue Apr 14, 2009 5:48 am

Good stuff, Commanders!

Enjoying this a lot.

Rebecca and Screet wrote:
It's too short!!!

Takes time to write things you know..!

Question though - why is the Kirin not equipped with weaponary from the start? Sending out a prototype ship into space unarmed seems tantamount to suicide. I've encountered trouble in the most harmless of systems, if you'll excuse the pun.

Also the trading runs. Appreciate its a freighter, but surely demonstrating an unknown vessel around the space lanes is going to arouse a great deal of interest from the nefarious types. A new duty heavy freighter able to hold its own in battle? A perfect pirate ship. Once it was spotted every pirate Lord would be trying to capture it...

Surely better to test it in secret?

Unless this is something to do with testing Roh'i and Ramania and not the ship itself.

Also, Ramania has spent some time debugging the ships systems, why did they give that information over so easily? It's leverage over both Gouglass and Shulth. If it were me I'd store it up until the 'final' negotiations.

... a modified photon refractor...

I've got one of those in my back garden...

Cheers,

Drew.

Cmdr Wyvern · Post by **Cmdr Wyvern** » Tue Apr 14, 2009 7:12 am

I'll try to field these.

drew wrote:
Question though - why is the Kirin not equipped with weaponary from the start? Sending out a prototype ship into space unarmed seems tantamount to suicide. I've encountered trouble in the most harmless of systems, if you'll excuse the pun..

They launched from Tibecea, which is pretty low TL and doesn't have a lot on stock.
the ship was, alas fitted with pretty basic gear. Pulse lasers and 10 hardhead missiles.

drew wrote:
Also the trading runs. Appreciate its a freighter, but surely demonstrating an unknown vessel around the space lanes is going to arouse a great deal of interest from the nefarious types. A new duty heavy freighter able to hold its own in battle? A perfect pirate ship. Once it was spotted every pirate Lord would be trying to capture it...

Surely better to test it in secret?

Unless this is something to do with testing Roh'i and Ramania and not the ship itself.

Roh'i is a pretty wiley fellow, and an experienced, Deadly rated combateer. Until he gets to Oresle where he can kit up, he stays off the 'space highways', and thusly manages to avoid most pirates. The few he does come across get shot up. There's also his reputation; he's known as a ruthless demon among pirates, and most cower at the mere mention of his name.

drew wrote:
Also, Ramania has spent some time debugging the ships systems, why did they give that information over so easily? It's leverage over both Gouglass and Shulth. If it were me I'd store it up until the 'final' negotiations.

Shulth is the designer, so of course technical details are passed on. It's the job of a test crew to find the flaws and report it back to the designers, isn't it? And as you'll find out, Shulth isn't nowhere as shady as the General.

ClymAngus · Post by **ClymAngus** » Tue Apr 14, 2009 9:29 am

Udian's substantial life span has lead to a moral compass that at times seems at odds with his fellow life forms. Imagine how you might change with a life span double or treble your current one.

Think how different you were between the ages of 15 and 30 for instance. As you get older you start to see small things repeating themselves (music, dress) now imagine the wider aspects of history repeating themselves in a similar vein. Suddenly your noticing patterns that creatures with shorter life spans never encounter.

As you loose all your close friends and companions too your view of life would also alter accompanied by an overwelming sence of loss . It gives rise to much the same moral questions raised in vampire mythos and the Highlander films. Truely a state of being that is both a blessing and a curse. Is it indeed possible to live too long?

Drew, I was thinking something more along these lines http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/7553061.stm

The magic here is in the word "modified".

What? No grammar nazis?

(Right I've got to get back to cartography experiments. Trans-Galactic Vector Charts don't just make themselves you know.