Rise Of The Kirin (Chapter 1)

ClymAngus · Post by **ClymAngus** » Mon Apr 06, 2009 9:18 am

======================================
Chapter 1 (Blackmail)
======================================

The large dragonoid stood casually at the doors of the hangar bay. "STATE YOUR NAME AND PASS CLEARANCE" the grating voice of the id computer spat. "Derik Roh'i, Commander 1st class", with a hiss of recognition the air tight hangar doors clanked slowly open splitting the military star painted on them neatly in two. The hangar was dark. "Not a problem", Roh'i thought as his cybernetic CCD eye, a replacement for the left eye he lost in a blaster duel with a fugitive slaver long ago, engaged night-vision mode.

A massive shape loomed out of the darkness. Sitting squarely on three large retractable landing gears it resembled more of an sleek planet side apartment building than a ship. "Beautiful isn't she?" Roh'i turned with slight surprise, drawing his blaster. Usually his enhanced senses informed him in advance of impending company. Green eyes glowed unblinkingly from the long gray hood of whoever or whatever it was that addressed him. "I must apologize for my lack of physical presence," the stranger continued. "I do find it much easier these days to conduct business via proxy". Roh'i put two and two quickly together. It was a conference droid. The operator was probably several light years away strapped into a total immersion conference suite. Roh'i holstered his sidearm, knowing the weapon to be practically useless against cyborgs and droids. "You startled me," he rumbled. "Who might you be..?"

Before Roh'i could quiz the stranger any more on his somewhat excessive need for privacy, he heard the familiar sound of well heeled military boot leather approaching behind them. His heat pits pricked, and his CCD scanned the newcomer in infrared mode. "Hmmm," Roh'i thought, "about six foot tall, he's warm, probably used the back entrance, and his cheap after shave is losing the battle to mask his mammalian body odor. Now I wonder what a military man has to be nervous about?"

"Gentlemen, I see you've already become acquainted. Excellent, that means we can keep things short and sweet." The officer began. Roh'i immediately recognized the General Senior rank and the Secom insignia. His mechanical eye speed scanned the barcode on the Generals security badge; Gouglass vor Cheem. Roh'i hadn't heard of him. Not surprising really, soldiers (even higher up ones) came and went with stark regularity these days. "Commander Roh'i, I expect you're wondering why we have requested your presence here today." The reptilian frowned, "Requested? My ship impounded on a z code technicality, then I'm practically frog marched down here? Oh, come on, don't pull my tail! If you'd wanted to, it wouldn't have hurt to call."

"Well you were littering."

"I'm a reptile, it's called shedding."

"Yes, very handy that." Derik shook his head and grumbled, "Seeechleenssy militacch galcorp feshsssssseeeellss..." The robot made a reasonable attempt at a chuckle. "Yes, I too can see the resemblance."

The General went a light shade of scarlet. "You weren't brought here for your wit sun basker." Roh'i got two of the five steps he needed to be able to break both of the Generals legs when the cowled figure intervened and proved to be surprisingly strong for a mere comms droid. "Gentlemen, gentlemen, whilst there is little love lost between any of us at this point, we all, for better or for worse, need each other. Mr. Roh'i, you need your ship back, I need these army types off my back and the general here requires your flying skills and my access to advanced technology."

"The mass murderer has a point," retorted the General.

"Look, do you want to win your precious war or not? If so then I humbly suggest we move away from mutual contempt and towards the mutual rewards. I believe you have an offer to make our friend here."

Gouglass shrugged, "Well, as you two know very well, the war does appear to have entered a new resurgent stage. The problem we have currently is one of supply." The robot's eyes burned fiercely, "You spent too much time buying guns and too little time buying the wagons to get them to your war, is what you mean."

"That's one interpretation of events."

"What the general is trying and failing to say is, he requires you to test the Kirin here," The android gestured to the ship. "It's a resupply/drop ship capable of limited naval action. I am correct in thinking you are the Commander who test piloted the Dragon class heavy escort craft?"

"Ayup," nodded Roh'i, "Had a claw in helping to fix the prototype's flaws, too." The robots eyes swam through shades of olive green, "Excellent". The reptile crossed his arms defensively, "And what exactly is in this for me?"

Gouglass piped up once again; "Ship returned, 5000 credits in untraceable gem stock, legal records lost. Slate wiped clean you could say".

"Really?" retorted the sizable reptile, "I didn't think my 'slate' was particularly dirty in the first place. I do help keep the pirate population under control, after all."

"Its not, but it could be." The saurid considered his options, "8000 credits and you've got yourself a deal. And not a scratch on the Tiomat's paint, ya follow?"

"7400."

"Deal. You know this all would have been a lot easier if you'd just said please."

"Do you want to shake on it?"

"No, I'd probably end up happily crushing every bone in your hand for blackmailing me into this travesty of a mission in the first place..." The comms droid reached into his robes and removed a ship pass key and tossed it to Roh'i.

"Have fun and remember to fill the fuel tanks before you bring her back."

"What makes you think I'll bring it back?" Roh'i grinned, trying not to show off too many of his fangs. "Well that's simple," the machine replied wryly. "He's got your ship, and my great great grand daughter. Welcome to the khaki party pal."

overmage · Post by **overmage** » Mon Apr 06, 2009 4:21 pm

Ok, I'm no pro writer, but I'll give some criticism here

"STATE YOUR NAME AND PASS CLEARANCE" the grating voice of the id computer spat. "Derik Roh'i, Commander 1st class", with a hiss of recognition the air tight hangar doors clanked slowly open splitting the military star painted on them neatly in two.

should be written as "STATE YOUR NAME AND PASS CLEARANCE," the grating voice of the id computer spat.

"Derik Roh'i, Commander 1st Class."

With a hiss of recognition, the airtight hangar doors clanked slowly open, splitting the military star painted on them neatly in two.

Chunking the sentences together gives the reader a hurried feeling and makes them feel tired by the time they finish the sentence. Also, the sentence needs commas to avoid run-on clauses, as they also give the same 'tiring' effect. Another thing is that airtight is written as a single word

"Derik Roh'i, Commander 1st class", with a hiss of recognition...

A comma should not follow the inverted commas, as the two sentences are essentially not linked.

Another run-on sentence is found here:

The hangar was dark. "Not a problem", Roh'i thought as his cybernetic CCD eye, a replacement for the left eye he lost in a blaster duel with a fugitive slaver long ago, engaged night-vision mode.

A better option would be to split up this chunk into smaller, more digestible bits. Note also that "Not a problem", is incorrect punctuation, it should go, "Not a problem,"

For example:

The hangar was dark. "Not a problem," Roh'i thought as his cybernetic CCD eye engaged night-vision mode. That eye was a replacement for the left eye he'd lost in a blaster duel with a fugitive slayer, a long time ago.

The next few lines are bunched too closely together in the same paragraph. In order to capture the reader's attention, as well as make things seem distinct, it is a good idea to split them up. The following text:

The hangar was dark. "Not a problem", Roh'i thought as his cybernetic CCD eye, a replacement for the left eye he lost in a blaster duel with a fugitive slaver long ago, engaged night-vision mode. A massive shape loomed out of the darkness. Sitting squarely on three large retractable landing gears it resembled more of an sleek planet side apartment building than a ship. "Beautiful isn't she?" Roh'i turned with slight surprise, drawing his blaster. Usually his enhanced senses informed him in advance of impending company.

looks like this split:

The hangar was dark. "Not a problem," Roh'i thought as his cybernetic CCD eye engaged night-vision mode. That eye was a replacement for the left eye he'd lost in a blaster duel with a fugitive slayer, a long time ago.

A massive shape loomed out of the darkness. Sitting squarely on three large retractable landing gears, it resembled more of a sleek planetside apartment building than a ship.

"Beautiful isn't she?"

Roh'i turned with slight surprise, drawing his blaster. Usually his enhanced senses informed him in advance of impending company.

That's it for now. But I like the premise your story brings. Hope my criticism helped a bit!
Fully grammar nazi-fied chunk:

======================================
Chapter 1 (Blackmail)
======================================

The large dragonoid stood casually at the doors of the hangar bay.

"STATE YOUR NAME AND PASS CLEARANCE," the grating voice of the id
computer spat.

"Derik Roh'i, Commander 1st Class."

With a hiss of recognition, the airtight hangar doors clanked slowly open,
splitting the military star painted on them neatly in two.

The hangar was dark. "Not a problem," Roh'i thought as his cybernetic
CCD eye engaged night-vision mode. That eye was a replacement for
the left eye he'd lost in a blaster duel with a fugitive slayer, a long time
ago.

A massive shape loomed out of the darkness. Sitting squarely on three
large retractable landing gears, it resembled more of a sleek planetside
apartment building than a ship.

"Beautiful isn't she?"

Roh'i turned with slight surprise, drawing his blaster. Usually his enhanced
senses informed him in advance of impending company.

Green eyes glowed unblinkingly from the long gray hood of whoever or
whatever it was that addressed him. "I must apologize for my lack of
physical presence", the stranger continued. "I do find it much easier
these days to conduct business via proxy".

Roh'i put two and two quickly together. It was a conference droid.
The operator was probably several light years away strapped into a total
immersion conference suite. Roh'i holstered his sidearm, knowing the
weapon to be practically useless against cyborgs and droids. "You startled
me," he rumbled. "Who might you be?"

Before Roh'i could quiz the stranger anymore on his somewhat excessive
need for privacy, he heard the familiar sound of well-heeled military boots
approaching behind them. His heat pits pricked, and his CCD scanned the
newcomer in infrared mode.

"Hmmm," Roh'i thought, "about six feet tall, he's warm, probably used
the back entrance, and his cheap aftershave is losing the battle to mask
his mammalian body odor. Now, I wonder what a military man has to be
nervous about?"

"Gentlemen, I see you've already become acquainted. Excellent, that
means we can keep things short and sweet." General Senior Gouglass
vor Cheem eyed his two compatriots warily.

It was inadvisable to let two such creatures associate (even now, the
secret service paperwork would be arriving by the truckload at his staff
offices) but needs must and the devil was driving hard.

"Commander Roh'i, I expect you're wondering why we have requested
your presence here today."

The reptilian frowned. "Requested? My ship impounded on a z code
technicality, then I'm practically frog marched down here? Oh, come on,
don't pull my tail! If you'd wanted to, it wouldn't have hurt to call."

"Well, you were littering."

"I'm a reptile; it's called shedding."

"Yes, very handy that." Derik shook his head and grumbled.
"Seeechleenssy militacch galcorp feshsssssseeeellss..."

The robot made a reasonable attempt at a chuckle. "Yes, I too can see
the resemblance."

The General went a light shade of scarlet. "You weren't brought here for
your wit, sun basker."

Roh'i got two of the five steps he needed to be able to break both of
the Generals legs when the cowled figure intervened. He proved to be
surprisingly strong for a mere comms droid.

"Gentlemen, gentlemen, whilst there is little love lost between any of
us at this point, we all, for better or for worse, need each other. Mr.
Roh'i, you need your ship back, I need these army types off my back
and the general here requires your flying skills and my access to
advanced technology."

"The mass murderer has a point," retorted the General.

"Look, do you want to win your precious war or not? If so, then I humbly
suggest we move away from mutual contempt and towards the mutual
rewards. I believe you have an offer to make our friend here."

Gouglass shrugged. "Well, as you two know very well, the war does
appear to have entered a new resurgent stage. The problem we have
currently is one of supply."

The robot's eyes burned fiercely. "You spent too much time buying guns
and too little time buying the wagons to get them to your war, is what I
mean."

"That's one interpretation of events."

"What the general is trying and failing to say is, he requires you to test
the Kirin here." The android gestured to the ship. "It's a resupply/drop
ship capable of limited naval action. I am correct in thinking you are the
Commander who test piloted the Dragon class heavy escort craft?"

"Ayup," nodded Roh'i. "Had a claw in helping to fix the prototype's flaws,
too."

The robot’s eyes swam through shades of olive green. "Excellent."

The reptile crossed his arms defensively. "And what exactly is in this for
me?"

Gouglass piped up once again; "Ship returned, 5000 credits in
untraceable gem stock, legal records lost. Slate wiped clean, you could
say."

"Really?" retorted the sizable reptile. "I didn't think my 'slate' was
particularly dirty in the first place. I do help keep the pirate population
under control, after all."

"Its not, but it could be."

The saurid considered his options. "8000 credits and you've got yourself
a deal. And not a scratch on the Tiomat's paint, ya follow?"

"7400."

"Deal. You know, this all would have been a lot easier if you'd just said
‘please’."

"Do you want to shake on it?"

"No, I'd probably end up happily crushing every bone in your hand for
blackmailing me into this travesty of a mission in the first place."

The comms droid reached into his robes and removed a ship pass key
and tossed it to Roh'i. "Have fun and remember to fill the fuel tanks
before you bring her back."

"What makes you think I'll bring it back?" Roh'i grinned, trying not to
show off too many of his fangs.

"Well that's simple," the machine replied wryly. "He's got your ship,
and my great great grand daughter. Welcome to the khaki party, pal."

One last note: 7400 credits IS a pittance... It can't even buy five Q mines

Maybe 74000 credits? If I were in his shoes I'd say 100000 to be honest, since I AM being blackmailed after all

ClymAngus · Post by **ClymAngus** » Mon Apr 06, 2009 4:36 pm

You know It was always 50:50. Some writers said try and roll it all together otherwise it looks like a script not a novella. Whilst other writers said divide it up so it's more accessable to the punters.

It a moment of weakness I went for the first option. I maybe should have gone for the second. If that is the board wide consensus then cool I can adjust. Not that I'm turning down the constructive cratique of course.

overmage · Post by **overmage** » Mon Apr 06, 2009 4:40 pm

Alright then. I mainly based my criticism on the novels I read

Personally, I used to dabble in writing, and I really haven't the time for it recently, but after studying several novels closely, I realized the difference between their work and mine: They had paragraphs, and lots of them. Somehow, breaking them up didn't hurt. :O

There're still a few typos (punctuation errors, and whatnot, e.g. putting the fullstop after the inverted commas), if you prefer to, I could focus my critique to be only on the punctuation ones. And cheers for the graciousness

ClymAngus · Post by **ClymAngus** » Mon Apr 06, 2009 4:51 pm

overmage wrote:
Alright then. There're still a few typos (punctuation errors, and whatnot), if you prefer to, I could focus my critique to be only on the punctuation ones. And thanks for the graciousness

Hey, my opinion has nothing to do with it. Format is as format does. If it stops people from reading it, then the convention is getting in the way and needs to be adjusted. I can easily fix other chapters and save other people having to.

After all, we would prefer you to feel more like an audience than a correcting teacher.

I'm just asking the question to a broader audience. Is it a bitch to read? If so, so be it. We fix!

As for the cash for the job. It's not just the money, its the money AND the ship back AND not instantly being turned into a criminal. The military they can lean on a man pretty hard and not just in your wallet.

overmage · Post by **overmage** » Mon Apr 06, 2009 4:55 pm

:O not sure if you took my earlier words to be sacarsm... I meant every word :O apologies if I have offended

P.S. I just realized why breaking them up into shorter chunks makes it look like a script: because the actual width of the forum page is much wider than a book's width (which is around 10-13 words), a paragraph of four lines in the average book fit only two lines here .

And I am definitely looking forward to more from you guys!

ClymAngus · Post by **ClymAngus** » Mon Apr 06, 2009 4:59 pm

Nope (been thinking about it) your right. A story is nothing if its not accessable. To hell with those writers and their high felootin ways! (seriously) I'll adjust and repost.

overmage · Post by **overmage** » Mon Apr 06, 2009 5:01 pm

Good point! Maybe I can get one of those Galcop peeps to chuck me a lethal doughnut as well.

edit: Silly me, a book's width is 10-18 words on average, not 10-13 D:

Post by **Disembodied** » Mon Apr 06, 2009 5:09 pm

I'm in the divide it up camp. It's pretty much an absolute rule for dialogue that you make a new paragraph every time there's a change in speaker. Otherwise it can be difficult for the reader to tell who's saying what!

On a more structural point I'd advise against switching the POV between Roh'i and the General (at the paragraph starting "Gentlemen, I see you've already become acquainted"). We start off inside Rohi's head, feeling his emotions, then we jump into the General's head for a bit. IMO it would be best to stick to one character's POV, at least for the chapter/episode/event, or have a more detached third-person perspective where we view all the characters from the outside, all the time, and we're not explicitly told what they're feeling, but are able to work it out from their behaviour, dialogue etc. For example, instead of having

"Hmmm," Roh'i thought, "about six feet tall, he's warm, probably used the back entrance, and his cheap aftershave is losing the battle to mask his mammalian body odor. Now, I wonder what a military man has to be nervous about?"

"Gentlemen, I see you've already become acquainted. Excellent, that means we can keep things short and sweet." General Senior Gouglass vor Cheem eyed his two compatriots warily.

You could rearrange it a bit and have something like

General Senior Gouglass vor Cheem marched to a halt just out of reach of both the robot and the reptile. "Gentlemen, I see you've already become acquainted. Excellent, that means we can keep things short and sweet."

Roh'i sniffed the air, lips curling back to reveal a row of gleaming teeth. "General," he said, "your cheap aftershave is losing the battle to mask your body odor. Now, I wonder: what could a military man be so nervous about?"

overmage · Post by **overmage** » Mon Apr 06, 2009 5:13 pm

Rock on, commander!

Lestradae · Post by **Lestradae** » Mon Apr 06, 2009 5:52 pm

Liked it, looking forwards to its continuation, found the paragraph lengths just right for easy reading.

On to the next chapter, yes?

L

ClymAngus · Post by **ClymAngus** » Mon Apr 06, 2009 6:08 pm

Disembodied wrote:
On a more structural point I'd advise against switching the POV between Roh'i and the General (at the paragraph starting "Gentlemen, I see you've already become acquainted"). We start off inside Rohi's head, feeling his emotions, then we jump into the General's head for a bit. IMO it would be best to stick to one character's POV, at least for the chapter/episode/event, or have a more detached third-person perspective where we view all the characters from the outside, all the time, and we're not explicitly told what they're feeling, but are able to work it out from their behaviour, dialogue etc.

Yes, a sound principle that. Due to the duplicity of the writing technique might get twanged more than once in the next few weeks. Hmm. Whilst not a show stopper, this does require a bit of a chat with "the scaled one."

MKG · Post by **MKG** » Mon Apr 06, 2009 6:57 pm

Yes - the "split up" approach is much more "normal" and so much easier to read. Apart from that, I wouldn't worry at all about things like correcting punctuation until you get to the final draft stage - you don't want the mechanics to get in the way of the story flow and the development of a good idea.

One point though. I have to take issue with Overmage's correction with regard to the placing of punctuation with inverted commas. For example ...

"Not a problem", Roh'i thought ... is the accepted convention in English English.

"Not a problem," Roh'i thought ... is the accepted convention in American English.

Both are correct.

Mike

Post by **Disembodied** » Mon Apr 06, 2009 7:06 pm

MKG wrote:
"Not a problem", Roh'i thought ... is the accepted convention in English English.

Er... no it's not. In UK English, for a quotation, the quotation marks should only surround pieces of punctuation that are an intrinsic part of the quotation, e.g.

Napoleon said "An army marches on its stomach", but he failed to provide adequate rations for his assault on Russia.

For dialogue, though, the comma should always appear inside the quotation marks, whether it's UK or US English. (Trust me on this: I'm currently editing and proofing around 30 pieces of short fiction, from various authors from various countries, for publication later this year.)

MKG · Post by **MKG** » Mon Apr 06, 2009 7:11 pm

I don't want to start an argument, Disembodied, but er ... yes it is. Thirty years of working in publications on both sides of the Atlantic allow me to assert that. What MAY be happening is that one or other convention is becoming more acceptable because of the commonality of US/English readership - but that cannot alter the fact that neither convention is wrong.

Whatever - it's a tiny point in a good story.

Mike