Chapter Eight up on the Wiki
Cheers,
Drew.
Mutabilis Chapter Eight
Moderators: winston, another_commander
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drew
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Mutabilis Chapter Eight
A bit early this week - I'm on hols today and will be out to a party this evening, so no time to upload. May well not be in a fit state to operate a computer on Saturday so thought I'd better do it now!
Chapter Eight up on the Wiki
Cheers,
Drew.
Chapter Eight up on the Wiki
Cheers,
Drew.
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DaddyHoggy
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Just read it straight through - loved it! Will go back in slow time and look for things to fix.
Enjoy your party and your hols!
Keep up the good work
DH
Enjoy your party and your hols!
Keep up the good work
DH
Oolite Life is now revealed hereSelezen wrote:Apparently I was having a DaddyHoggy moment.
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Disembodied
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Great stuff – keep it up!
Falchion's – should be Falchion’s ('s not italic) (p1 line 4 and line 26, 10 lines from bottom of p11, 4 lines from bottom of p11, 2 lines from bottom of p12, 5 lines from bottom of p14, line 2 p15, line 7 p16)
Eclipse's – should be Eclipse’s (p11 line 10, p14 line 5)
Just like before - there is never time – should be Just like before – there is never time (en-dash)
ignoring his question about what she'd been up too – should be ignoring his question about what she'd been up to
I'll have my revenge, whatever the cost! - So Rebecca, was it worth it? – should be I'll have my revenge, whatever the cost! – So Rebecca, was it worth it? (en-dash)
Well, Iacob, who else we're you going to trust – should be Well, Iacob, who else were you going to trust
You'll confuse her. We've got too... – should be You'll confuse her. We've got to... (unless she's about to say "We've got too many..." or "too much..." or something like that, in which case it might be worth including the next word)
extreme well being – should be extreme well-being
blood stained and muddied – should be bloodstained and muddied
Jim eyebrows raised in surprise – should be Jim’s eyebrows raised in surprise
cross examine – should be cross-examine
Two ships on one - we might – should be Two ships on one – we might (en-dash)
Are you ok? – should be Are you okay? (or OK, personally I prefer spelling it out!) Same for: A bit tired, but ok. – should be A bit tired, but okay.
[...] twenty years to complete, with little chance of success, – should be [...] twenty years to complete, with little chance of success.
She found a sharp edged rock – should be She found a sharp-edged rock (although she has just recently picked up a knife!)
co-pilots chair – should be co-pilot’s chair
Smart alec computers! – should be Smart-alec computers!
self preservation – should be self-preservation
canyon winding down through the surface of the planet – might be better as canyon winding across the surface of the planet
space borne combat – should be spaceborne combat (or just space combat)
Forward Military Laser Overheated! – should be Forward Military Laser overheated!
it's forward section – should be its forward section
I may loose it! – should be I may lose it!
yellow tinged smoking – should be yellow-tinged smoking
Falchion's – should be Falchion’s ('s not italic) (p1 line 4 and line 26, 10 lines from bottom of p11, 4 lines from bottom of p11, 2 lines from bottom of p12, 5 lines from bottom of p14, line 2 p15, line 7 p16)
Eclipse's – should be Eclipse’s (p11 line 10, p14 line 5)
Just like before - there is never time – should be Just like before – there is never time (en-dash)
ignoring his question about what she'd been up too – should be ignoring his question about what she'd been up to
I'll have my revenge, whatever the cost! - So Rebecca, was it worth it? – should be I'll have my revenge, whatever the cost! – So Rebecca, was it worth it? (en-dash)
Well, Iacob, who else we're you going to trust – should be Well, Iacob, who else were you going to trust
You'll confuse her. We've got too... – should be You'll confuse her. We've got to... (unless she's about to say "We've got too many..." or "too much..." or something like that, in which case it might be worth including the next word)
extreme well being – should be extreme well-being
blood stained and muddied – should be bloodstained and muddied
Jim eyebrows raised in surprise – should be Jim’s eyebrows raised in surprise
cross examine – should be cross-examine
Two ships on one - we might – should be Two ships on one – we might (en-dash)
Are you ok? – should be Are you okay? (or OK, personally I prefer spelling it out!) Same for: A bit tired, but ok. – should be A bit tired, but okay.
[...] twenty years to complete, with little chance of success, – should be [...] twenty years to complete, with little chance of success.
She found a sharp edged rock – should be She found a sharp-edged rock (although she has just recently picked up a knife!)
co-pilots chair – should be co-pilot’s chair
Smart alec computers! – should be Smart-alec computers!
self preservation – should be self-preservation
canyon winding down through the surface of the planet – might be better as canyon winding across the surface of the planet
space borne combat – should be spaceborne combat (or just space combat)
Forward Military Laser Overheated! – should be Forward Military Laser overheated!
it's forward section – should be its forward section
I may loose it! – should be I may lose it!
yellow tinged smoking – should be yellow-tinged smoking
Hi Drew
Read a few lines. Found this puppy:
Unless of course you aren't going for tense in the scene. . .
[/quote]
Read a few lines. Found this puppy:
That sounds really, really flat. There is no excitement of impact in it.Dust flew everywhere
Ok, maybe over the top, but you get the idea. A more concrete image is what we need there.Dust screamed through the cavern in torrents of grit, as if they were swimming through thousands of whirlpools
Unless of course you aren't going for tense in the scene. . .
[/quote]
--http://www.andherethewheel.co.nz -- @andherethewheel -- http://www.facebook.com/andherethewheel --
I probably should have mentioned that all the sentences before that sentence were tense and exciting 
--http://www.andherethewheel.co.nz -- @andherethewheel -- http://www.facebook.com/andherethewheel --
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Star Gazer
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This really is great edge-of the-chair stuff!! Haven't had this much fun since the day that I set fire to... ...hhmm... ...maybe not...!! 
Page 2 - line 35 - '...moving up his chest, into his arms and legs...' probably should be: '...moving up his chest into his arms, and down into his legs...'
Page 4 - line 3 - '...the marauder, locked on and mercilessly...' should have another comma: '...the marauder, locked on, and mercilessly...'
Page 4 - line 48 - '...herself for Jim, even that had...' should be: '...herself for Jim, but even that...'
Page 5 - line 43 - "We've got too..." should be: "We've got to..."
Page 6 - line 2 - '...sing song voice.' should be: '...sing-song voice.'
Page 14 - line 4 - '...was an astute study, and...' should be: '...was an astute student, and...'
Page 2 - line 35 - '...moving up his chest, into his arms and legs...' probably should be: '...moving up his chest into his arms, and down into his legs...'
Page 4 - line 3 - '...the marauder, locked on and mercilessly...' should have another comma: '...the marauder, locked on, and mercilessly...'
Page 4 - line 48 - '...herself for Jim, even that had...' should be: '...herself for Jim, but even that...'
Page 5 - line 43 - "We've got too..." should be: "We've got to..."
Page 6 - line 2 - '...sing song voice.' should be: '...sing-song voice.'
Page 14 - line 4 - '...was an astute study, and...' should be: '...was an astute student, and...'
Very funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes...