In time for the weekend....
Chapter Seven up on the Wiki
Cheers,
Drew.
Mutabilis Chapter Seven
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Disembodied
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Good stuff! Some typos:
“Sticks and stones, harmless.” – should be “Sticks and stones, Harmless.”
Traders instinct! should be Trader’s instinct!
They're worth a lot to the likes of me know. – should be They're worth a lot to the likes of me, you know.
I might have needed a stop over someday. – should be I might have needed a stopover someday.
emerged from the Astrogation lab – should be emerged from the astrogation lab
She had returned to fight over Lave's moon, where upon their pitched battle had been fought – should be She had returned to fight over Lave's moon, whereupon their pitched battle had been fought (or even just where their pitched battle had been fought)
a back water planet – should be a backwater planet
“I can prep your ship better than any dockhand between Diso and Anle. “When was the last time you had your witch drive serviced?” – should be “I can prep your ship better than any dockhand between Diso and Anle. When was the last time you had your witch drive serviced?” (extra “ in front of When)
20% – should be twenty per cent (as per one hundred percent a page or so later)
cross referencing – should be cross-referencing
chart 8 – should be chart eight
chart 1 – should be chart one
Zerz' anecdotal indicated the last – should be Zerz' anecdotal evidence indicated the last
best protected parts of the ship – should be best-protected parts of the ship
“Yeah, yeah, I'm out of the airlock with a hole in my head..” – should be “Yeah, yeah, I'm out of the airlock with a hole in my head.” (or ...)
edu-class – maybe just school?
high faluting – should be high-faluting
thrown to the floor immediately on account of his personal shield. Her body convulsing – should be thrown to the floor immediately on account of his personal shield, her body convulsing
life blood – should be lifeblood
all of this some how – should be all of this somehow
cooperate – should be co-operate
Zerz enter the Astrogation Lab – should be Zerz enter the astrogation lab
finishing the priming of the witchdrive, “Zerz – double space between the and priming, close quotes should be at end of witchdrive,”
unless you take me too her now! – should be unless you take me to her now!
Zerz sighed, sound almost bored – should be Zerz sighed, sounding almost bored
blood stained – should be bloodstained
self consciously – should be selfconsciously
third law - Every action should be Third Law – every action (en-dash, Third Law gets capitals)
common place – should be commonplace
“For a long moment Zerz simply stared – should be For a long moment Zerz simply stared (no “)
Oort Cloud – should be Oort cloud
resource poor region – should be resource-poor region
Jim continued said, – should be Jim continued,
What happened before I got here ?– should be What happened before I got here? (extra space)
a bit one sided – should be a bit one-sided
portascan showed, “Concussion, – double space between showed, and “Concussion
“Sticks and stones, harmless.” – should be “Sticks and stones, Harmless.”
Traders instinct! should be Trader’s instinct!
They're worth a lot to the likes of me know. – should be They're worth a lot to the likes of me, you know.
I might have needed a stop over someday. – should be I might have needed a stopover someday.
emerged from the Astrogation lab – should be emerged from the astrogation lab
She had returned to fight over Lave's moon, where upon their pitched battle had been fought – should be She had returned to fight over Lave's moon, whereupon their pitched battle had been fought (or even just where their pitched battle had been fought)
a back water planet – should be a backwater planet
“I can prep your ship better than any dockhand between Diso and Anle. “When was the last time you had your witch drive serviced?” – should be “I can prep your ship better than any dockhand between Diso and Anle. When was the last time you had your witch drive serviced?” (extra “ in front of When)
20% – should be twenty per cent (as per one hundred percent a page or so later)
cross referencing – should be cross-referencing
chart 8 – should be chart eight
chart 1 – should be chart one
Zerz' anecdotal indicated the last – should be Zerz' anecdotal evidence indicated the last
best protected parts of the ship – should be best-protected parts of the ship
“Yeah, yeah, I'm out of the airlock with a hole in my head..” – should be “Yeah, yeah, I'm out of the airlock with a hole in my head.” (or ...)
edu-class – maybe just school?
high faluting – should be high-faluting
thrown to the floor immediately on account of his personal shield. Her body convulsing – should be thrown to the floor immediately on account of his personal shield, her body convulsing
life blood – should be lifeblood
all of this some how – should be all of this somehow
cooperate – should be co-operate
Zerz enter the Astrogation Lab – should be Zerz enter the astrogation lab
finishing the priming of the witchdrive, “Zerz – double space between the and priming, close quotes should be at end of witchdrive,”
unless you take me too her now! – should be unless you take me to her now!
Zerz sighed, sound almost bored – should be Zerz sighed, sounding almost bored
blood stained – should be bloodstained
self consciously – should be selfconsciously
third law - Every action should be Third Law – every action (en-dash, Third Law gets capitals)
common place – should be commonplace
“For a long moment Zerz simply stared – should be For a long moment Zerz simply stared (no “)
Oort Cloud – should be Oort cloud
resource poor region – should be resource-poor region
Jim continued said, – should be Jim continued,
What happened before I got here ?– should be What happened before I got here? (extra space)
a bit one sided – should be a bit one-sided
portascan showed, “Concussion, – double space between showed, and “Concussion
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DaddyHoggy
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I don't necessarily agree with "A/astrogation L/lab" - if the Lab is called the "Astrogation Laboratory" (name plate on the door) then it could be capitalised - since it infers the name of a "thing" i.e. the lab...
Just my 0.02Cr worth.
Just my 0.02Cr worth.
Oolite Life is now revealed hereSelezen wrote:Apparently I was having a DaddyHoggy moment.
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Disembodied
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Ah, well, according to most manuals of style, you should use lower-case for a facility name when the name describes what the facility does, e.g. docking bay, medical centre, etc. You'd only capitalise if it was part of a proper name, e.g. Murgh's Quality Used Craft Showroom. It depends on style, of course, but the tendency in recent years is to keep capitalisation to a minimum.
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JensAyton
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It doesn’t, you know. You would infer the name from the sign, although in such a simple case you usually wouldn’t call it an inference. :-)DaddyHoggy wrote:I don't necessarily agree with "A/astrogation L/lab" - if the Lab is called the "Astrogation Laboratory" (name plate on the door) then it could be capitalised - since it infers the name of a "thing" i.e. the lab...
E-mail: [email protected]
Good stuff Drew.
Not much to talk about here. There is still a lot of 'thinking in italics' then saying/thinking in normal text immediately afterward. I still believe they would be better off redone without the italics as it jarrs somewhat. Once or twice ok, but every third line gets a bit painful.
SPOILER!
The only other gripe I would have is when Zerz made the decision to maroon them. You wrote "Zerz thought about it."
Now I read that and guessed he would do something that wasn't killing but just as mean but it felt wrong for it be written as it was. I'm not sure what the answer was but it feels, I don't know. . . basic. Maybe the edge of his lips curls up or something to show satisfaction in some clever and evil thoughts.
Oh and Jim talking about Zerz's honourable word is the first I had heard of it (If it was mentioned earlier then it didn't register). Maybe you should play on that more when in Zerz's point of view.
Anyway, a fine cliffhanger at the end. Good work.
Not much to talk about here. There is still a lot of 'thinking in italics' then saying/thinking in normal text immediately afterward. I still believe they would be better off redone without the italics as it jarrs somewhat. Once or twice ok, but every third line gets a bit painful.
SPOILER!
The only other gripe I would have is when Zerz made the decision to maroon them. You wrote "Zerz thought about it."
Now I read that and guessed he would do something that wasn't killing but just as mean but it felt wrong for it be written as it was. I'm not sure what the answer was but it feels, I don't know. . . basic. Maybe the edge of his lips curls up or something to show satisfaction in some clever and evil thoughts.
Oh and Jim talking about Zerz's honourable word is the first I had heard of it (If it was mentioned earlier then it didn't register). Maybe you should play on that more when in Zerz's point of view.
Anyway, a fine cliffhanger at the end. Good work.
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drew
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@Disembodied - Thanks, corrections uploaded!
I think I agree with lowercase astrogation lab. This is 'an' astrogation lab, not 'the' Astrogation Lab - there is nothing particularly special about this 'lab' as apposed to any other.
SPOILERS!
@Jack
Re: Zerz and marooning. Good point. I've changed it to:
As for the 'thinking' - This was quite a hard thing to get right in this chapter. Because there is a lot of deception going on, I needed to indicate clearly what the other characters were perceiving, whilst giving a view of the thinking of a given individual to the reader, without giving away what was actually happening until the last moment - when, hopefully, both reader and character perceive the 'truth'.... at least - that was what I was trying to pull off!
Cheers,
Drew.
ps - Did anyone 'get' the code on the way through? I didn't want to make it so obscure you'd need a computer to figure it out, but hopefully it wasn't so trivial that everyone went - well, doh!
I think I agree with lowercase astrogation lab. This is 'an' astrogation lab, not 'the' Astrogation Lab - there is nothing particularly special about this 'lab' as apposed to any other.
SPOILERS!
@Jack
Re: Zerz and marooning. Good point. I've changed it to:
As far as his 'word' was concerned, this should have been telegraphed quite clearly in Chapter One.Zerz thought for a moment and then smiled thinly, “I promise I will not kill her. She's outside the ship. Shall we?”
This was also referred to in Status Quo.“So, after all these years I don't even get to see your face.”
“It's better this way.”
“You'd have to kill me.”
“Yes.” The Agent was matter of fact.
“And what is to prevent you from killing me the moment you get what you want?”
“We entered into a contract, my word is my guarantee and my bond.”
The man considered this,”Yes, you've proved you're a man of your word. Your reputation means a lot to you. They refer to you as the gentleman assassin.”
“My reputation is everything.”
As for the 'thinking' - This was quite a hard thing to get right in this chapter. Because there is a lot of deception going on, I needed to indicate clearly what the other characters were perceiving, whilst giving a view of the thinking of a given individual to the reader, without giving away what was actually happening until the last moment - when, hopefully, both reader and character perceive the 'truth'.... at least - that was what I was trying to pull off!
Cheers,
Drew.
ps - Did anyone 'get' the code on the way through? I didn't want to make it so obscure you'd need a computer to figure it out, but hopefully it wasn't so trivial that everyone went - well, doh!
Yeah Drew it is a balancing act.
The code wasn't obvious straight away but as soon as it was printed backwards it was obvious. I did feel it took Jim a little too long to make the final connection, as if you were dragging it out for too much suspense, but it wasn't annoying enough to comment on before.
The code wasn't obvious straight away but as soon as it was printed backwards it was obvious. I did feel it took Jim a little too long to make the final connection, as if you were dragging it out for too much suspense, but it wasn't annoying enough to comment on before.
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DaddyHoggy
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Nice one Drew - can't believe there's only three chapters to go!
Have been beaten to the comments - and I can see that the newest version includes the changes.
I have to say I'm having huge problems since you upgraded to OO3 - while I eventually got Ch.6 to work by upgrading Foxit - Ch.7 loaded fine but then the HD just started working harder and harder and eventually the whole machine ground to halt.
Anyway, for reading the additional Chapters I will not use the W98 boot up use my soundless Fiesty boot instead (soundless because even though I've followed every forum posting I can find I cannot get the sound to work on my IBM Thinkpad 600)
Anyway, looking forward, very much, to Chapter 8.
Have been beaten to the comments - and I can see that the newest version includes the changes.
I have to say I'm having huge problems since you upgraded to OO3 - while I eventually got Ch.6 to work by upgrading Foxit - Ch.7 loaded fine but then the HD just started working harder and harder and eventually the whole machine ground to halt.
Anyway, for reading the additional Chapters I will not use the W98 boot up use my soundless Fiesty boot instead (soundless because even though I've followed every forum posting I can find I cannot get the sound to work on my IBM Thinkpad 600)
Anyway, looking forward, very much, to Chapter 8.
Oolite Life is now revealed hereSelezen wrote:Apparently I was having a DaddyHoggy moment.
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Star Gazer
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eeekkk... ...I'm back in the 1s 6d seats on a Saturday morning waiting for the next episode!! You actually had me believing she was a conniving bitch for a moment!!
A few typos still unresolved:
Page 2 - line 21 - "Just get lost!" her yelled at her..." should be: "Just get lost!" he yelled at her..."
Page 8 - line 22 - "I bet you where the..." should be: "I bet you were the..."
Page 11 - line 45 - 'portscan' should be 'portascan' (as used on the following page)
Page 12 - line 22 "...think he had any intention..." might be better as: "...think he has any intention", as it still might be the case.
A few typos still unresolved:
Page 2 - line 21 - "Just get lost!" her yelled at her..." should be: "Just get lost!" he yelled at her..."
Page 8 - line 22 - "I bet you where the..." should be: "I bet you were the..."
Page 11 - line 45 - 'portscan' should be 'portascan' (as used on the following page)
Page 12 - line 22 "...think he had any intention..." might be better as: "...think he has any intention", as it still might be the case.
Very funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes...
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drew
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Glad you're enjoying the ride...Star Gazer wrote:eeekkk... ...I'm back in the 1s 6d seats on a Saturday morning waiting for the next episode!!
I watched too much b&w 'Flash Gordon' when I was a kid! Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion!Excellent - that was the planYou actually had me believing she was a conniving bitch for a moment!!
... Hopefully I've added a bit more depth to Rebecca's character in this story. Btw, I was listening to Meredith Brooks' 'Bitch' whilst writing that bit - sort of helped! Thanks for the changes - will sort next time I'm at my home PC...
Cheers,
Drew.