drew wrote:Should have put a big fluffy white cat in there....
.... then again, I did have a great big fluffy grey cat in Chapter Three!
"You expect me to give you the location of Raxxla?"
"No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die..."
Cheers,
Drew.
Mutabilis - Chapter Six
Moderators: winston, another_commander
-
ClymAngus
- ---- E L I T E ----
- Posts: 2508
- Joined: Tue Jul 08, 2008 12:31 am
- Location: London England
- Contact:
I'm not having a go or anything, I like a good switch back story. Too many people use cut out badies (why does he do what he does? Because he's Eeeevvilll) Good to hae a baddie with some nuts.
-
Disembodied
- Jedi Spam Assassin
- Posts: 6885
- Joined: Thu Jul 12, 2007 10:54 pm
- Location: Carter's Snort
Few typos:
Rebecca came too with a start – should be Rebecca came to with a start (unless I've wholly misread what Jim was doing with her there when she was unconscious!
)
You shouldn't be here! You should be safe, back on Onrira! Out of harms way! – should be ... Out of harm's way
"You know what that assassin – whatever his name is - Zerz! - did to me and mine!" – should be en-dashes on either side of "Zerz".
No hyphen necessary in "en route".
femme fâché (and just fâché, later on) should really be in italics (en route is now in common usage in English so it doesn't have to be).
The dress still was a shade to big for her frame. – should be ... a shade too big ...
Her fingers were long and thin, but her finger nails were unpainted – possible double space between "but" and "her"; "fingernails" should be one word.
dressed in a dark hued formal uniform – should be dark-hued
Yet we are drip fed this technology – should be Yet we are drip-fed this technology
holier than thou – should be holier-than-thou
Status Quo – shouldn't be capitalised
Blame him for your parents death – should be Blame him for your parents’ death
We miniaturised lasers with little problem” – should be We miniaturised lasers with little problem.” (missing full stop)
Front Mount : Small Plasma Accelerator. – remove space before :
“But…” Jim stopped, “A Rogue planet?” – should be “But…” Jim stopped, “A rogue planet?”
Galactic distances – should be galactic distances
A planetary witchspace drive is probably over stating it – should be A planetary witchspace drive is probably overstating it
Because of this murderer, “ she sneered at Zerz, – should be Because of this murderer,” she sneered at Zerz,
a coded file, DNA linked to its owner – should be a coded file, DNA-linked to its owner
ashen faced – should be ashen-faced
Zerz' regarded them coolly – should be Zerz regarded them coolly
dis-array – should be disarray
self serving organisation – should be self-serving organisation
for any longer than I have too! – should be for any longer than I have to!
Rebecca came too with a start – should be Rebecca came to with a start (unless I've wholly misread what Jim was doing with her there when she was unconscious!
)You shouldn't be here! You should be safe, back on Onrira! Out of harms way! – should be ... Out of harm's way
"You know what that assassin – whatever his name is - Zerz! - did to me and mine!" – should be en-dashes on either side of "Zerz".
No hyphen necessary in "en route".
femme fâché (and just fâché, later on) should really be in italics (en route is now in common usage in English so it doesn't have to be).
The dress still was a shade to big for her frame. – should be ... a shade too big ...
Her fingers were long and thin, but her finger nails were unpainted – possible double space between "but" and "her"; "fingernails" should be one word.
dressed in a dark hued formal uniform – should be dark-hued
Yet we are drip fed this technology – should be Yet we are drip-fed this technology
holier than thou – should be holier-than-thou
Status Quo – shouldn't be capitalised
Blame him for your parents death – should be Blame him for your parents’ death
We miniaturised lasers with little problem” – should be We miniaturised lasers with little problem.” (missing full stop)
Front Mount : Small Plasma Accelerator. – remove space before :
“But…” Jim stopped, “A Rogue planet?” – should be “But…” Jim stopped, “A rogue planet?”
Galactic distances – should be galactic distances
A planetary witchspace drive is probably over stating it – should be A planetary witchspace drive is probably overstating it
Because of this murderer, “ she sneered at Zerz, – should be Because of this murderer,” she sneered at Zerz,
a coded file, DNA linked to its owner – should be a coded file, DNA-linked to its owner
ashen faced – should be ashen-faced
Zerz' regarded them coolly – should be Zerz regarded them coolly
dis-array – should be disarray
self serving organisation – should be self-serving organisation
for any longer than I have too! – should be for any longer than I have to!
-
Captain Hesperus
- Grand High Clock-Tower Poobah
- Posts: 2310
- Joined: Tue Sep 19, 2006 1:10 pm
- Location: Anywhere I can sell Trumbles.....
'It was just after sunrise on the Diso High Orbital station as Debbie awoke. Vague memories of last night's party swam across her mind and she shook them away. Yesterday was in the past and she preferred to concentrate on the present. She tossed the satin sheet aside and climbed out of her immense double-Emperor bed and slipped into the figure-hugging silk dressing gown that was draped across the genuine imitation Louis XIV chair. She sauntered over to the apartment's door even as the bell chirruped again. The door slid open to reveal the brawny frame of Randy the Handyman. His moustached mouth rearranged itself into a pearly-white grin and he spoke, "I've had a report that your water pipes are blocked..."drew wrote:Somebody else will have to write "Debbie does Diso"....
Debbie sighed. It looked like it was going to be another long day.....'
Captain Hesperus
-
DaddyHoggy
- Intergalactic Spam Assassin
- Posts: 8515
- Joined: Tue Dec 05, 2006 9:43 pm
- Location: Newbury, UK
- Contact:
-
Captain Hesperus
- Grand High Clock-Tower Poobah
- Posts: 2310
- Joined: Tue Sep 19, 2006 1:10 pm
- Location: Anywhere I can sell Trumbles.....
