Remarkable what you can do in a lunch hour if you remain focused...
I've uploaded and changed chapters one and five....
And here is Chapter Six (Link to the wiki page)
Cheers,
Drew.
edit 18.08.2007 @ 08:00 - Minor update for typo, clarity and style.
Mutabilis Chapter Six
Moderators: winston, another_commander
Drew, watch out when you get heavy conversations going:
another issue to deal with.”
“That woman.”
“Zerz claims she is you.”
“That’s ridiculous. Madness!”
“He says she is a version of you from the future.”
“And you believe him? What a load of flux!”
“At this stage I’m not sure what to believe.”
“Oh for nova's sake! He’s the assassin! Let’s
its all talking. there is no reactions or movements, or pauses for thought at all. Jim has just told Rebecca that the other woman is her. Instead of putting her hand to his mouth, her eyes widening in shock or turning white, or even just dropping her jaw speechless, she sayss: "...ridiculous. Madness!"
now serious, would she say that? that line sounds so unnatural and fake it made me decide to stop reading and do some work. there is no emotion here and i really have no idea what rebecca is feeling. and she talks funny. I suggest you look at it again and really think about how someone would react to that kind of news. its going to catch them off guard. I guess if she was a victorian era housewife, she might speak like that, but i'm not sure if that is where you are going with rebecca. she seems to be the kind of girl that can get knocked off course.
anyway, something to think about.
another issue to deal with.”
“That woman.”
“Zerz claims she is you.”
“That’s ridiculous. Madness!”
“He says she is a version of you from the future.”
“And you believe him? What a load of flux!”
“At this stage I’m not sure what to believe.”
“Oh for nova's sake! He’s the assassin! Let’s
its all talking. there is no reactions or movements, or pauses for thought at all. Jim has just told Rebecca that the other woman is her. Instead of putting her hand to his mouth, her eyes widening in shock or turning white, or even just dropping her jaw speechless, she sayss: "...ridiculous. Madness!"
now serious, would she say that? that line sounds so unnatural and fake it made me decide to stop reading and do some work. there is no emotion here and i really have no idea what rebecca is feeling. and she talks funny. I suggest you look at it again and really think about how someone would react to that kind of news. its going to catch them off guard. I guess if she was a victorian era housewife, she might speak like that, but i'm not sure if that is where you are going with rebecca. she seems to be the kind of girl that can get knocked off course.
anyway, something to think about.
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drew
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Thanks Jack, I'll review it. I know what I was was trying to get across there, but obviously it didn't work! 
Cheers,
Drew.
Rebecca is in denial at this stage... hopefully made a bit clearer in the updated doc, and it's still possible that this woman isn't who she claims to be....its all talking. there is no reactions or movements, or pauses for thought at all. Jim has just told Rebecca that the other woman is her. Instead of putting her hand to his mouth, her eyes widening in shock or turning white, or even just dropping her jaw speechless, she sayss: "...ridiculous. Madness!"
Cheers,
Drew.
Last edited by drew on Tue Aug 21, 2007 10:52 am, edited 2 times in total.
Ok a few more nitpicks coming up:
"Fully half of the central cargo bay of the Imperial Courier had been
converted into state rooms. It was decked out in something of an old
fashioned manner, with a sumptuous furnishings that would not have looked
out of place in some of the best old world hotels."
Fully here is redundant. to deck something out is colloquial and then you mix this with 'an old fashioned manner' which is not so colloquial. seems a bit disruptive to me.
"with a sumptuous furnishings" should be "with sumptuous furnishings"
and an aside nitpick: sumptuos furnishings doesn't really descibe anything to me: silk cushions? tapestries? curtains? couches? i would like to know what is sumptuous about them and what kind of furnishings they are. Are we looking at the den of an arabian sultan or the throne room of an english king?
Ok, you start describing afterward. perhaps you should look at rewording so you dont need to mentio they are sumptuous because that is redundant after you explain what they are.
"The centre piece of the room was a large rectangular table, which,
astonishing though it seemed, was made of real oak."
poor comma usage here. I think what you are going for is:
"The centre piece of the room was a large rectangular table, which astonishingly looked like real oak."
"variety of some" - totally redundant here. a variety by definition is 'some' of something.
"Even Jim, with his relatively opulent upbringing, didn't recognise some of
them. Rebecca was completely out of her depth.
The room was lit by a large chandelier, suspended"
who is the poing of view here? omnipotent? if so, ok, otherwise you have told us what two people aer thinking, which is impossible for a non-telepath. you could reword so Jim thinks to himself that his upbringing was good by any means and he was lost and he had no doubt that rebecca was completely lost.
"“Don’t start, harmless.” Rebecca said, pointing a finger at him,
snapping out each word slowly and glaring at him fiercely."
explaining how she said the words after she said them doesn't erally work for me..the effect is lost. perhaps:
"Rebecca stuck her finger out at him and glared. "Don't start, harmless," she said, snapping out each word slowly." I realise I still ahve the form of talking afterward, but i ahve broken up the whole line of explanation, which works better, i think.
"As they entered the central bay Zerz and the woman, ‘Bechs’ were
already seated."
Comma usage! "As they entered the central bay, Zerz and the woman "Bechs" were alerady seated."
Ok, that'll do for now. I won't be able to finish the story on my break if i keep this up!
Hope that helps
"Fully half of the central cargo bay of the Imperial Courier had been
converted into state rooms. It was decked out in something of an old
fashioned manner, with a sumptuous furnishings that would not have looked
out of place in some of the best old world hotels."
Fully here is redundant. to deck something out is colloquial and then you mix this with 'an old fashioned manner' which is not so colloquial. seems a bit disruptive to me.
"with a sumptuous furnishings" should be "with sumptuous furnishings"
and an aside nitpick: sumptuos furnishings doesn't really descibe anything to me: silk cushions? tapestries? curtains? couches? i would like to know what is sumptuous about them and what kind of furnishings they are. Are we looking at the den of an arabian sultan or the throne room of an english king?
Ok, you start describing afterward. perhaps you should look at rewording so you dont need to mentio they are sumptuous because that is redundant after you explain what they are.
"The centre piece of the room was a large rectangular table, which,
astonishing though it seemed, was made of real oak."
poor comma usage here. I think what you are going for is:
"The centre piece of the room was a large rectangular table, which astonishingly looked like real oak."
"variety of some" - totally redundant here. a variety by definition is 'some' of something.
"Even Jim, with his relatively opulent upbringing, didn't recognise some of
them. Rebecca was completely out of her depth.
The room was lit by a large chandelier, suspended"
who is the poing of view here? omnipotent? if so, ok, otherwise you have told us what two people aer thinking, which is impossible for a non-telepath. you could reword so Jim thinks to himself that his upbringing was good by any means and he was lost and he had no doubt that rebecca was completely lost.
"“Don’t start, harmless.” Rebecca said, pointing a finger at him,
snapping out each word slowly and glaring at him fiercely."
explaining how she said the words after she said them doesn't erally work for me..the effect is lost. perhaps:
"Rebecca stuck her finger out at him and glared. "Don't start, harmless," she said, snapping out each word slowly." I realise I still ahve the form of talking afterward, but i ahve broken up the whole line of explanation, which works better, i think.
"As they entered the central bay Zerz and the woman, ‘Bechs’ were
already seated."
Comma usage! "As they entered the central bay, Zerz and the woman "Bechs" were alerady seated."
Ok, that'll do for now. I won't be able to finish the story on my break if i keep this up!
Hope that helps
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Commander McLane
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drew
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Hmm..Commander McLane wrote:How many chapters are there to expect in total? I'm really looking forward to reading the whole story, but after chapter three or so I have given up reading the single chapters and decided to wait until it's finished.
So, any estimations on when it's going to be finished?
I reckon probably another 4 chapters or so.. Given my current rate of progress that would be just before Christmas time.
Cheers,
Drew.
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JensAyton
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I know the feeling. ;-)drew wrote:I reckon probably another 4 chapters or so.. Given my current rate of progress that would be just before Christmas time. :shock:
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Captain Hesperus
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I feel your pain. I'm working on a piece of Elite/Oolite fan-fic and every time I sit down to start r/l decides to start banging on the door and demanding time/attention/money/all of the above.drew wrote:I reckon probably another 4 chapters or so.. Given my current rate of progress that would be just before Christmas time.
Keep at it though, Mutabilis is really shaping up to be a stormer!
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Star Gazer
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Captain Hesperus
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drew
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Ok, chapter by chapter is fine by me...
Chapter Seven shouldn't take quite so long as six, as I had to write quite a lot of it to get my head around chapter six! Time travelly stuff was surprisingly hard to plot...
Cheers,
Drew.
Mean trick I know, but hopefully keeps up the excitement...!As a heart-stopping revelation is unveiled, the chapter ends!!!
Chapter Seven shouldn't take quite so long as six, as I had to write quite a lot of it to get my head around chapter six! Time travelly stuff was surprisingly hard to plot...
Cheers,
Drew.
I feel your pain there, Drew. (re time travelling)
I like reading each chapter as it comes up. I may forget what happens in previous chapters but as soon as is tart reading the next one, it all comes back.
those that dont want to read each chapter as it comes up dont have to read it, but giving the people who want it the option is the best course, IMHO
I like reading each chapter as it comes up. I may forget what happens in previous chapters but as soon as is tart reading the next one, it all comes back.
those that dont want to read each chapter as it comes up dont have to read it, but giving the people who want it the option is the best course, IMHO
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