Lost in Transit (Novel under construction)

[staggerlee]

Guys, here is my first stab at Oolite fiction. In fact, it is my first stab at fiction of any kind since I was fourteen years old, so be gentle. I'd welcome feedback of any kind: critical, constructive, whatever.


Chapter One

(Download the pdf, don't read it on the Box, it compresses the font and makes it look ugly)

[SteveKing]

Nice start. I really like the "Down to earth-iness" of the narrative, makes it easily readable. I hope my effort (for later this year) has the same vibe.

I especially like the picture you paint of the station docking facility - very close to my own visualisation with a 'letterbox' cradle idea and docking arms (articulated tugs). I'm sure there are other good descriptions of docking facilities in Oofic, if anyone can think of some off the top of their heads, please mention them.

I've often thought there's scope for an "Excerpts from the Diary of a Dockworker" as a compliment to "Tales from the Spacelanes", after all they are the first to see the results of spacelane encounters

I guess a lot of Oofic starts off with the theme - as we say in Australia - "One powerball and I'm outa here!"

[staggerlee]

Thanks for the thoughtful comments SteveKing. Do you have links to your stuff other than the songs? I don't think I have read any of your fiction.

Yes the inside of the dock really made me think. There are ships constantly going in an out. How would they park? It's clear they can't just fly in there as that would be insanely dangerous. They also have to slow down pretty quick otherwise they'd punch a hole in the back (I often dock with full injectors on, I don't think any amount of fictitious chicanery could plausibly account for that). The ships are clearly not maneuvereable enough to parrallel park so there'd have to be a mechanism. Initially I thought of something like an ammunition clip: ships go in, lock into place, then are fed upwards. But then how would you get one out without needlessly moving all the others? Plus, the ships would have to go to different parts of the station for various tasks like picking up freight and refuelling and getting re-equipped. It seemed to me that there would have to be some kind of automation that moved them around.

The only other idea I came up with was a droid solution: ships go in, stay in place, and droids buzz around carrying out refueling tasks, filling up holds, fixing damage, etc. But this seemed to lack narrative potential, so I ditched it. Plus, I think that robots and droids are usually pretty lazy sci-fi devices. They can be done right, but if I have to read another "robot with a heart" or "wisecracking droid" routine, I'm going to have to stab myself.

[SteveKing]

No worries Staggerlee. I've only got a bit of Oofic scattered around in various places, just little snippets really - just posted a few paragraphs to "Tales from the Spacelanes". Dizzie has sort of got me involved with his Radio DJ patter – a few audio clips pop out from time to time. One of my loves is music, so the occasional rewrite of lyrics is a bit of fun - what I'd really like to see (er hear) is someone out in the community doing Adder garage band versions of the rewrites , even do it myself if I knew a few musos with a sense of fun.

As far as space dock goes, there is always the idea of a carousel (circular ammunition clip), or analagous to the current RL version of robot parking - ship in and 2-d gantry system to move it to a honeycomb arrangement like bees in a hive - bit low tech, but maybe for poorer worlds, but I'm definitely with you, what else would they do with the rest of the volume of near 0G through the core of a station?

I also forgot to mention that I like the idea of human tribes/nations; brings me in mind of Jack L Chalker 'Lords of the Middle Dark', one of my favourite pieces of Space Opera, where all the inhabitants of the Universe are essentially 'Human' with engineered DNA to give them traits of other species to help them adapt to the worlds they colonised. In other ways, a very Elite/Oolite flavoured set of fiction.

I’m a bit like you, love the idea of writing fiction, but not that accomplished. I'm about 2/3 the way through a Short Story/Novella based on the first built-in Oolite mission. If the planets align, it will extend to include the other missions, but my game-play hasn’t got to those yet – too busy buzzing around G-2 - the next one is in G-3 I think?

As others will reiterate - keep going, especially if its a good story

[The Griffin GT]

A very good read so far, staggerlee. I too enjoyed the grittiness of it and also the detail you have included to make the station and characters seem realistic.
One thing I would suggest (and you are free to ignore) is that you go easy on the swears, while I personally don't mind at all, others may, as the main audience for your story is on this forum, in which swearing only very very rarely occurs. Maybe you could invent some new interesting ones as I have noticed other Oofic writers have done.

So other than the one suggestion all I can say thanks for sharing your efforts so far, very enjoyable.

I definitely look forward to reading the rest of your story, especially after a cliffhanger like that!

Keep up the good work,
TGGT.

[staggerlee]

Useful comments Griffin. I agonize over the swears. People swear. And, as you can tell, I go for a bit of a realist take. I would definitely never invent swears ("frakk" for example always irritated me). So I guess my conundrum is whether I can make it realistic using other coarse expressions that are not swears.

Would you mind giving me some actual practical advice on what counts as a swear, by the way? I'm a brit and we seem to have laxer ideas.

F, C and S words are clearly out...does the uk classic "shite" get allowed though?

A-words meaning "bum" are as bad as it gets in my book. Are those considered bad?

Is pr**k an ok insult?

GD-it : is this beyond the pale?
D-it : is this acceptable?
Does "cr-p" get in?

And, what about borderline/ non-pc words like spaz, nob, doofus, cack, a-hole, dill-monkey, zipper-sniffer, and uncle monty's lobster strompy? (I made the last three up).

Also: tips from other writers on clean-realism would be much appreciated.

[Cody]

I would definitely never invent swears ("frakk" for example always irritated me).

<nods> Yep, invented profanities irk me too. In my few Oofics, I use the 'F' word very sparingly, but I do use it - and I have used the Spanish equivalents for others. Thing is, if you think that your tale benefits from having a few profanities, use them - but attach a warning perhaps. Others will have different opinions, of course.

[Diziet Sma]

Nice start, and well told.. I like the style, as well.

[Disembodied]

A great start, staggerlee! One petty nitpick:

It’s carrying half a ton of gear that’s meant to be on Arxeza this time tomorrow

I assume "half a ton" is meant figuratively, here, for "a large amount", but given the capacity of a Boa, and given that a dockworker would be very familiar with how much a ton was, maybe either use an accurate figure ("sixty-six tons") or something abstract ("a whole pile")?

[The Griffin GT]

@staggerlee Going by your last comment, it looks like my suggestion was not needed

Cody's comment pretty much sums up what I was suggesting (I think he got the idea across better then I did) and the warning is a good idea. Maybe just say it contains strong language and your covered.
Just to make it clear, my comment wasn't ciritism and I wouldn't change anything you've written so far.

As far as the made up swear words are concerned, "Frakk" and "Fragging" were the examples I had in mind, maybe its just my sense of humour but I liked them as (to me at least) it was as though the author was saying (without saying), "I mean f***, you know I mean f***. But you can't complain, because I never actually said f***.". I may be totally wrong on that score though.. If it's not your style, then fair enough.

Going by your list of censored words, I definitely don't think I'm the one to decide, as a few that you censored, I wouldn't have. I'm a brit too and pr**k certainly doesn't bother me.
Anyway, time for me to do some work, as I said, I look forward to reading more from you.
TTFN,
TGGT

[Disembodied]

tips from other writers on clean-realism would be much appreciated.

It depends on what sort of effect you're looking for, and how you want your character to appear, as much as anything else. C. S. Forester's Hornblower books are brilliant recreations of life in the British Navy during the Napoleonic wars, where there was undoubtedly vast amounts of swearing - but it's not written down in the books. Forester gets round it using phrases like "He cursed", or "He unleashed a volley of oaths". Used sparingly, these get the mood across, and I don't think his work suffer from any lack of realism because of the absence of swearing. On the other hand, James Kelman's How Late it Was, How Late is also a brilliant book, because of the literal authenticity of the voice, where swearing is used like punctuation.

The whole "frakk", etc. thing doesn't matter to me that much. Frankly it's no sillier than the idea that people a thousand years from now, speaking who-knows-what language, will use contemporary English swear words. Using other languages (like the Chinese swearing in Firefly, or Cody's use of Spanish) can add an exotic element, if that's what you're looking for. In the Hesperus stories, I chose real, non-swear words and used them as swear words (blood, bile, love, life, death, derision) because I thought it suited the characters and the mood, and hopefully helped shift things away from early-21st-century English language without making it incomprehensible.

Pick what seems right for your characters and your world, and stick with it, is the best advice, I think. Try dropping a whole heap of grief on one of them and see what they say.

[Cody]

Using other languages (like the Chinese swearing in Firefly...

I've not seen any Firefly - did using Chinese work well?

[Diziet Sma]

Using other languages (like the Chinese swearing in Firefly...

I've not seen any Firefly - did using Chinese work well?

It worked very well.. and the curses themselves were quite creative (and authentic, apparently).. but despite coaching, the actors then managed to pronounce them so badly that even native Chinese speakers had a hard time figuring out what they were saying..

[staggerlee]

A great start, staggerlee! One petty nitpick:

It’s carrying half a ton of gear that’s meant to be on Arxeza this time tomorrow

I assume "half a ton" is meant figuratively, here, for "a large amount", but given the capacity of a Boa, and given that a dockworker would be very familiar with how much a ton was, maybe either use an accurate figure ("sixty-six tons") or something abstract ("a whole pile")?

Q-Log is a small freight warehouse operator. The Boa may be carrying 100T for all Faulkner knows. Only 0.5 tons of it is his concern. But it's a special 0.5 tons...

Hey thanks a lot for the encouragement and ideas. I do like the idea of ordinary words used as curse words. That feels plausible to me. I am buoyed by your comments and well into chapter 2.

[Ranthe]

The whole "frakk", etc. thing doesn't matter to me that much. Frankly it's no sillier than the idea that people a thousand years from now, speaking who-knows-what language, will use contemporary English swear words. Using other languages (like the Chinese swearing in Firefly, or Cody's use of Spanish) can add an exotic element, if that's what you're looking for. In the Hesperus stories, I chose real, non-swear words and used them as swear words (blood, bile, love, life, death, derision) because I thought it suited the characters and the mood, and hopefully helped shift things away from early-21st-century English language without making it incomprehensible.

<nods> A writer friend of mine managed to define "Ninja" as a swear word in a number of his fantasy stories