Ghost Nova (first chapters)

[commanderxairon]

http://www.mediafire.com/?jdlixbadq48qaox

this is the first time i whrite something in english tough i love that much oolite that i will write a story about it o.o

please correct my mistakes ...

[Cmdr Wyvern]

Your first and biggest mistake: Releasing this in docx format!
So-called 'open' XML isn't open, and it's CRAP! Please re-release in pdf format.

EDIT: I managed to convert this to pdf, to be found here.
Good shall always defeat evil. In your face, Microshaft!

[commanderxairon]

OMG OMG you maked me laugh for some reason ! xDDD

i was about to upload it in .odt format but i tought more people was using office instead libreoffice like me... sorry xD

[Cmdr Wyvern]

I admit overreacting a bit, but my meaning stands.

Oolite is opensource and runs on almost every platform. Oofic should be, too.

In keeping with that spirit, pdf, while not quite opensource, is nearly universal: There's an Anaconda load of freeware and opensource pdf readers available on virtually all platforms.

In comparison, docx is so proprietary it's not funny, and was only created because MS couldn't stand any competition from odf. (Or anything else for that matter.)
To add insult to that injury, MS used all manner of dirty tricks to get it passed off as a 'standard'. Shameless and illegal. I'm not making that up, the truth is out there just a google search away.

[DaddyHoggy]

No, surely Microsoft executives wining-and-dining and paying towards education programmes of some of the key members of the voting panel's native countries on M$s interpretation of an "open standard" was purely coincidental?

(A standard which the latest version of Word itself does not fully comply with!!)

[Cmdr Wyvern]

Alright, enough with griping about shameless crooks. The Occupy crowd has griping about, and directly at shameless crooks down to a science anyway. (But I couldn't let them have all the fun! )

The story is good, but sorta painful to read. Grammatical errors abound like a hold overrun with trumbles. English isn't your first language, commanderxairon?

[commanderxairon]

not it isn't and also it used to be better lack of practice crapped my english im writing this also to regain my skill at it can you point where i commited more mistakes?

[drew]

Goodie, another story. Lunchtime sorted!

Cheers,

Drew.

[drew]

Good story, but really hampered by the English and the grammar. If you're serious about writing in English you'll need to find a friendly editor.

Well done though, lots of interesting ideas.

Cheers,

Drew.

[Specialist290]

Personally, I use OpenOffice for anything I write privately. It saves in odt, and it has a built-in PDF converter (I think; otherwise, it's a downloadable extension, at the very least).

I might take a crack at critiquing your English. I'm a bit busy with school at the moment, plus a little creative writing competition I decided to enter, so I won't guarantee anything, but if I can set aside the free time I'll be sure to take a look.

[drew]

I've used Openoffice in the past and found it good. However, for serious publishing I found most companies need you to submit in Word doc or docx format that has been outputted by Word itself. Openoffice et all do a pretty good job of this, but it's not perfect and unfortunately it shows. After wasting hours trying to make it compatibile I eventually gave up and bit the bullet.

I'm now, dare I say it, a major fan of Ms Office 2010. It's made my writing quicker, easier and better and taken a lot of hassle out. Unusually for an MS product, it also runs far more efficiently on my PCs than Openoffice does, and it now saves to PDF out of the box. (One of the Openoffice USPs for many years).

Horses for courses I guess.

Cheers,

Drew.

[Cody]

Unusually for an MS product, it also runs far more efficiently on my PCs than Openoffice does

Strangely, I've found this with my MS Office 2000 suite. I tried OpenOffice a while ago, but MS Office 2k runs better on my XP machine.
As I've used MS Word since the mid 90's, I'm also very familiar with it... I like it!

[ClymAngus]

Now you see I like the idea of using limited understanding by the protagonist to reflect in the writing. That's cool, but there is a fine line between that, and "difficult to read". As others have said the principle of the "What if?" is Very cool. It's just finding a way of balancing the lack of knowledge by the characters with the frustration felt by the audience.

Other media carry this off: The film Momento springs to mind. I feel this project needs rebalancing but it has to be done with EXTREME care so that the baby isn't thrown out with the bath water.

I like the idea, it needs a little work but the perspective is fresh and very inventive.

[Specialist290]

I've taken a brief glance at it (haven't really had time to read it in depth, especially since it looks like it's going to take a bit of effort), but a few basic pointers from what I've seen:

1. Way, way, way too many ellipses. (...)

An ellipsis is usually only used in formal writing when you're omitting words from a direct quote.

Example 1.1

"We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender, and even if, which I do not for a moment believe, this Island or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our Empire beyond the seas, armed and guarded by the British Fleet, would carry on the struggle, until, in God's good time, the New World, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of the Old." ~Winston Churchill

Becomes

"We shall go on to the end... we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender...." ~Winston Churchill

(Note also that the last one has an extra period, to mark that the end of the sentence is included in the omission.)

In dialogue (which usually has slightly looser rules than formal writing, at least these days), the ellipsis can also be used to show when someone lets their sentence trail off without actually finishing it.

Example 1.2

"But I thought that..." he said, unable to bring himself to tell her he had thought she was dead.

2. Quotes in English are bracketed with quotation marks (" "), not hyphens (- -).

3. The first word in every sentence is always capitalized, as are all proper names (John Smith, Russia, Coca-Cola Corporation) and the word "I" when used as a pronoun (i.e. when referring to yourself as a person).

4. You have a lot of run-on sentences. You could break up most of these into complete sentences on their own. A sentence is supposed to contain a single complete thought, although you can use conjunctions (words like "and," "or" or "but") to join two related thoughts into one.

There's a few more specific things I'd have to address with an in-depth critique (and probably saved for a private message, since I'd feel like I was dragging you through the mud unjustly if I put up in public), but I'd have to save that for later, when I have a good deal more free time.

Don't get discouraged, though. Every author has areas they can get better at, no matter how good or bad they seem on the whole. Take every mistake others point out as an opportunity to do better next time.

Writing is a lot like being a '49er looking for gold in California back in the day. Sometimes, in order to find a few gold nuggets, you have to sift through lots and lots of gravel.

EDIT: I just noticed a "lazy ellipsis" in my own writing up there. Remember what I said about every author having things they need to work on?

[commanderxairon]

no no its good

i wanted this to improve i like to being critizised