Firran?

[moscom]

Hi i have been writing a short story, was originally going to be a cartoon strip, but since i found Oolite, i thought i would try my hand at
turning it into an Oolite/Elite story. It is all about my main protagonist 'Firran' - a mechanic, and also mech tech trader.
Havn't played the game much so do not as yet know much but what i have read; so i havn't made any in game references atall but as you could tell it is a firmiliar kind of tale to the Elite universe ( maybe?)

I have the first rough installment (only half finished - so when i finish all of the 4 planned chapters, it could probably do with a good editing
down to size).

If anyone could give their honest opinion of what i have so far, i would be very glad.

Here is what i have written so far of the first chapter; on my web site:

http://www.mosgreen.com/spacestory/spacestory3a.html

[Rxke]

Promising, would love to see more.

But (and I'm a non-native speaker) ... riddled with sloppy typos, so much that it interfered with me enjoying it as much as I otherwise would... (this is constructive criticism, don't get me wrong )

[Zireael]

I'm not native English speaker either, and I noticed those typos (a lot of them) and I hate typos in any language. So...

[drew]

A good start, lots of scene setting and atmosphere, some nice turns of phrase and good vocabulary.

Watch the typos though. Rather too many of them, which jolt you out of the flow (I'm awful here too, so don't worry, just needs some quality editing time.)

A bit over enthusiastic on the commas and semicolons too. (Commas for a pause, Semicolons to join two related sentences together to infer extra meaning) Some of your sentences are quite hard to read as a result... E.g.

Eimmon,waited for the figure to stop, and put his baggage down; he uttered
an (even to him) uninteligable introduction; -and thrust the document with
his identification, and passage authorisation in ornate official font, in
front of him.

Would be more grammatical as:

Eimmon waited for the figure to stop and put his baggage down. He uttered
an, even to him, unintelligable introduction and thrust the document with
his identification and passage authorisation, in ornate official font, in
front of him.

For pace and expression I'd rewrite as follows (only a suggestion!):

Eimmon waited for the figure to stop, putting his baggage down with a heavy thud. He uttered a muffled and unintelligable introduction under his breath, carelessly thrusting the ornately official document, containing his identification and passage authorisation, in front of him.

Let's hear some more though...

Cheers,

Drew.

[Ganelon]

I like what you've got, so far, moscom. It gives some idea of the characters and the environment, nice use of vocabulary and imagery.

Typos, punctuation, and grammar are all things that can be fixed later. Like you said, it's the rough version.

It gives a good sense of the culture the story is set in, a bit of an idea what the characters' life is like. I think that you're off to a good start.

[moscom]

Thanks!
It is the rough version for sure. but i am very happy with all your feedback - it is very encouraging .
Yes a bit over enthusiastic with punctuation marks.
(lol) Sorry about that; will have to brush up on a few things .
Will spell-check it all, a bit better. I will try and make some of those long sentences flow a bit easier also.
When i am happy with it i will post up a link or sections on this forum . I will bear all your suggestions in mind, very helpful indeed!

Thank to everyone !