Oolite Bulletins

In response to a massive thread hijack in the "Space Monsters" Thread in Suggestion Box I post a link to some Star Trek fiction I wrote a looooooong time ago - it's a bit rough round the edges but I haven't looked at it for over 15 years - I've come quite a long way (I think) since I wrote this... (still it's not a bad idea for a story... )

Devils in the Dark

Well box says it's been downloaded twice...

...no news is good news as they say!

I'm glad you reminded me, I was intending to come back to this when I had more time.

Read it.. enjoyed it..

Minor point. Both Yellow Alert and Red Alert procedures include the shields being raised.

In other respects, this could have been an actual episode of the ST:NG series.

Thanks for sharing.

CptnEcho wrote:

Minor point. Both Yellow Alert and Red Alert procedures include the shields being raised.

In other respects, this could have been an actual episode of the ST:NG series.

Thanks for sharing.

Wow! Thanks for the kind words and the techno-spot!

I enjoyed it too, but you've definitely improved in 15 years - quite a nice snapshot for you I would think.

Best bits :

Interaction with the Horta - very nicely done with the Vulcan mind meld
Good supplemental characters - the 12 year old girl was very interesting and the reader wants to know more about her
Space battle good

For improvement

Dialogue stilted in a number of places, particularly between father, daughter and Picard - though you might have been trying to make this look 'awkward'.
Scenes could do with more description - yes we know what the enterprise looks like, but could do with a bit more flavour
Didn't understand the motivation for the Union guy, negotiations on 'price' for the Horta would have taken place before the Enterprise arrived, not at the point of a phaser - too contrived in order to create some tension and the resolution was not very 'Picard'.

Bravo for posting up though - not sure I'd be so brave with some of my old works....!

Cheers,

Drew.

drew wrote:

I enjoyed it too, but you've definitely improved in 15 years - quite a nice snapshot for you I would think.

Best bits :

Interaction with the Horta - very nicely done with the Vulcan mind meld
Good supplemental characters - the 12 year old girl was very interesting and the reader wants to know more about her
Space battle good

For improvement

Dialogue stilted in a number of places, particularly between father, daughter and Picard - though you might have been trying to make this look 'awkward'.
Scenes could do with more description - yes we know what the enterprise looks like, but could do with a bit more flavour
Didn't understand the motivation for the Union guy, negotiations on 'price' for the Horta would have taken place before the Enterprise arrived, not at the point of a phaser - too contrived in order to create some tension and the resolution was not very 'Picard'.

Bravo for posting up though - not sure I'd be so brave with some of my old works....!

Cheers,

Drew.

Hi Drew,

quite a snapshot indeed! The Vulcan/Horta mind-meld was my favourite bit too - it took ages to get the "feel" right - which is why, writing to a deadline for the Starfleet Magazine, some of the rest wasn't as polished as I'd have hoped - and of course I don't think I was as good then either.

Stories like this are a good "mile marker" sometimes I don't think I've moved at all in my writing because its a long journey and the scenery can be very similar and the distant hills of publishing (other than self) still seem a long way off, but sometimes when you stop and take the time to look back along the road, it's more apparent that there have been a lot of "markers" on the path...

This is is one of my favourites - very short - and almost as old - but better I feel - although given it's message it didn't go down very well with my peers - I wrote it after a particularly odd Convention - where I discovered that my club had acquired "groupies"

http://www.box.net/shared/irmbcmcyv9