Oolite Bulletins

Chapter One: John S. Hammer - A.K.A Sledge - A.K.A The Sledge Hammer

All right yous guys, I'm gonna come right out an' say it. After all, dere ain't no use in denyin' it. It's da truef after all, an’ no amount of fancy talkin' is gonna change da truef. I heared people say it was because of my upbringin' or some such. I even heared some try to blame it on ‘so-sigh-utty’ itself (even though dem what was sayin' it was part o' dat same ‘so-sigh-utty’ dey was just blamin’!). But none o’ dem fancy words or uppity ideas is gonna change da truef, an' da truef is...

I ain't a nice person.

See most o’ da time, I’m whatcha might call a pirate. I flies out inta space in my ship. Which I named by da ways “Wanda”, cuz see dere wuz dis girl I knewed once an' she had de biggest… Well anyways, dat ain’t part o’ dis here story. Where was I… Oh ya, I flies out inta space in Wanda see, an' I sorta sits dere hidden like. Sometimes I hide behind one of dem dere space rocks, ‘ass-der-sumthinorothers’. Or sometimes I waits around da witchspace buoy, and surprises ‘em from behind like. Den what happens is, dey sees Wanda and I tells ‘em to drop deir cargo, or I will blows deir ships to pieces! Only I don’t really blows deir ships to pieces cuz I ain’t really tryin’ ta kills nobody see. Matter o’ fact, I ain’t never had to kill nobody dat I knows of. I just want ‘em to drop a few cargo pods and den I let ‘em go like. Sometimes I gotta convince ‘em ta see it my way, and I gotta shoot a few laser blast at ‘em, but it’s all just good fun. Besides, deir insurance is gonna pay ‘em for da cargo, and they is gonna have a good story to tell deir friends at da bar see. Da Galcoppers gets to jump in deir shiny ships and rush around shootin’ up a few space rocks and such. All in all, everbody has a good time! Well, except for maybe de insurance company's, but like I said I ain’t a nice person see.

Now sometimes, some o’ dem dere traders get a bit too brave for deir own britches, and decides to put up a fight see. It don’t happen often mind you, but when it does, I shows ‘em Wada’s big fat, um... rear end, and we hightails it outta dere. After all, dere will always be anudder trader along soon enough, and fixin’ up ol’ Wanda eats up d credits fast! She’s already bein’ held together wit’ spit, tape and molly-bonder. ‘Sides, I know I’ll get even eventually. All I gotta do is mosey into da station spacer bar in an hour or so see. Dere will be a big crowd o’ traders all listenin’ to anudder one tell his story. ‘Bout how he outsmarted and fought off a whole big bunch o’ twen’y or thirty pirates. Ya, dat will be de one. I wait outside till he leaves see, den tap him on his shoulder, and says “Boo!” Dey usually get fiesty till dey turn around and find demselves starin’ me in my chest. Even tall guys usually find dem selves lookin’ up at de underside o’ my chin. Den de shakes set in as deir eyes finally reach my face. See, I ain’t exactly what you’d call a pretty boy. What with da eyepatch wit’ de skull an’ crossed bones on it an’ all. I wear dat on account a’ I ain’t got no eyeball in dere anymore. Den, dere is de scars and da broken nose and such. Naa, I might have been a looker when I was younger, but not no more. Point is see, at six foot and seven inches and two hundred and sixty five pounds (and ain’t none of it fat see!), dere ain’t many guys dat can give me much uva workout like. So anyways like I was sayin’... I usually just grabs ‘em by deir ankles, picks ‘em up, and den bonks deir heads on de floor a few times. Sometimes I try to teach ‘em a few manners while I am doin’ dat. Something like, “Next time...” BONK “just drop...” BONK “a pod or three...” BONK “and we won’t hafta...” BONK “do dis again!” BONK! Dat last bonk is usually de one dat knocks ‘em out see. Den I drop ‘em and pick up all de loot what fell outta deir pockets whilst I was shakin’ ‘em. Dis makes us even in my book, and we can both goes our separate ways. Well, I go my way and dey usually waits till dey is conscious again before dey go deirs.

Now sometimes piratin’ don’t pay da bills too well. Keepin’ Wanda flying can take a lot o’ dough see. So to make a few extra credits I goes round to the sleeze joints in de lower decks, and fight. No, I don’t mean like just up and pickin’ fights for no reason. I mean fight like inna organized kinda way. Dere is always some spacer or tourist or such, dats feelin’ bigger den his britches and tinks dey are real bad characters. So de bar owners gets together and puts on dese fights. Den de winners get a shot at fightin’ me. Whoever wins get a percentage o’ de house see? I almost lost once even, which is how I lost my eyeball, but dats anudder story.

Dis here story, is about how I died.

Chapter 2 is done, and Chapter 3 about 1/2 way. You all just let me know when you're ready for the next chapter... Maybe I can get some kind of response outta you lurkers that way!

Wow... things have really died around here. }:[

Chapter Two: No Rest For The Wic… Err… Not Nice.

But before I tells ya dat part, I better tells ya about some o' dat stuff what happened before. And most important… about her.

Dat day started when I woke up. Ya ya I know, dey all starts when ya wake up. Now put a sock in your gob and shut up so I can tell dis my way. Anyways, I woke up. I wasn’t real happy to be woke up, and I was perdy sure I knew what woke me up. It was dat someone was banging on da door o' my room.

BANG! BANG! BANG! “Hey! Get outta there! Checkout was over an hour ago! Time to get your ass out!” Someone yelled, in between beating on my door.

I’d had three fights da night before and I had me a few bruises ta show for it. So gettin’ outta bed was only possible with da help o' a few groans and grunts.

BANG! BANG! BANG! “Do you have some kind of animal in there?! Pets are not allowed, and I will call the Galcops if you do!” Yelled da voice. I opened da door. Den I waited for his eyes to climb deir ways up to my mug.
“Oooh… Ummm… I… Ummm… Is this… I mean ummm…” It was the scrawny day shift desk clerk wit’ his adams apple bobbin’ up and down ta beat da band. “I ummm… seem to have the ummm… wrong room!” He took three steps back, and only tripped four times doin’ it. Den he turned around and hightailed it down da hall and around da corner. I laughed. See, told yous guys I wasn’t a nice person.

I hit da shower and den pulled on my synthleathers. I checked my credchip and frowned. I had made a good bit o’ money last night, but as usual, I seem ta have spent most of it “celebratin’” again. Which would also explain de mudder of a headache dat I was nursin’ dis mornin’. “Shit! Dis ain’t gonna cover Wanda’s repairs! Dammit all and sonuvabitch!” I was gonna hafta go piratin’ again.

As I stepped outta da flea-trap flophouse, I almost tripped on the skinny little desk clerk. He had cornered two Galcops and was jabberin’ ‘bout “...that giant monsterosity...” what wouldn’t leave. He took a step back and bumped right inta me. “Pardon m...” He started ta say “AAAAAAH! That’s it… I mean that’s him!!! EEEEEEK!” Is what he finished wit’ as he ran back inside da flophouse and slammed da door.

“Mornin’ Officer O’Malley, Officer Dooley.” I said to da two officers.

“Afternoon Sledge!” Corrected Officer O’Malley.

“Heya Sledge!” Grins Officer Dooley. “That was some fight last night Sledge! I made quite a few microcreds off you.”

Officer O’Malley shook his head. “Ya, some of them were mine!” He said ruefully.

I gasped as though I was hurt “Ya mean ta tell me dat you bet against me Officer O’Malley!?”

“I’m sorry Sledge, but those were eight battle hardened Special Forces you took on. Deathsquad at that, and all at once even! I don’t know how you do it...” Said Officer O’Malley shakin’ his head. “And one of them was nearly as big as you!”

“Ya he worn’t a bad fighter that one.” I said, rubbin’ my bruised jaw. “I think he mighta loosened one of my chompers!”

“He was looking promising till you picked him up and threw him ten rows back in the stands. Oh well, I learned my lesson. Next time I’m betting on you. That is, if I can find anyone to take that bet!” Said Officer O’Malley.

“Don’t look at me! You should have learned your lesson three years ago. After the night it took half the Galcops in the station to put ol’ Sledge here in a cell. ‘Disturbing The Peace’ took on a whole new meaning that night!” Said Officer Dooley.

“Eighty four of us sitting in the med-bay afterwards, nursing our wounds too!” Grinned Officer O’Malley. “Your right though, I should have learned then.”

“Or when old Mrs. Larson called to report someone stole her cat. And there’s The Sledge Hammer, carrying her mangy old orange tabby down the street. Almost took out the whole quadrant trying to arrest him that time! Then someone shows up with the vid of him rescuing that cat from the top of that level support! A hundred and eighty feet in the air!” Says Officer Dooley.

“Never will figure out how dat dere damn cat got up dat damn support in da first place!” I says laughin’. Both officers grinned and waved at me as dey walked away. Yessir, dem was good times! But right now, I gotta go do some piratin’.

Paradox wrote:

Wow... things have really died around here. }:[

Don't let that stop you writing!

(Early indications are that I didn't need to be in such a muck sweat to finish Claymore Mine either. )

Paradox wrote:

Wow... things have really died around here.

Malacandra wrote:

Early indications are that I didn't need to be in such a muck sweat to finish Claymore Mine either.

Aye... in the doldrums indeed. Perhaps fiction needs OXZ'ing via the manager/ship's library flight interface.

Malacandra wrote:

Paradox wrote:

Wow... things have really died around here. }:[

Don't let that stop you writing!

(Early indications are that I didn't need to be in such a muck sweat to finish Claymore Mine either. )

Hey Malacandra! Good to see someone in here anyways! Things have sure slowed down indeed. I don't get as much time to write anymore, and when I do, some feedback sure helps with the inspiration. That's why we write in the first place right? Well, at least that's why I do it... };]

Cody wrote:

Aye... in the doldrums indeed. Perhaps fiction needs OXZ'ing via the manager/ship's library flight interface.

Hmm... A possibility I guess. The problem with that (for me at least), is like I jut told Malacandra. The feedback and response I get are what inspire me to write more. The only response you get with releasing an oxz, are the number of downloads... And I used to enjoy the conversations we had about the story as much as writing them. Bit of a bummer. I guess I have to take some of the blame for disappearing for so long though. (Listens to the wind as the lone coyote howls in the night, and a dusty tumbleweed roll past on it's journey to nowhere...)

Chapter Three: Among The Rocks

I made my way down to da Lave space docks and looked guilty like at poor ol’ Wanda. She was whacha might call a Cobra MK III. Or at least most of her was. At some point, someone ‘ad chopped her and painted a bunch o’ stuff on’er. Dere was also parts from a bunch o’ other Cobras mixed in dere all over da place. She was an ugly old girl, but den again, look at da mug what is flyin’ ‘er. We was a good match ol’ Wanda and I. Just a pair o’ ugly ol’ scrappers. Most of my credits had gone into her shields and injectors. My paw once said, “When da goin’ gets tough, da tough gets goin’!” Well ol’ Wanda and I took that sayin’ to heart. As I said before, if a spacer feels feisty, we get outta der, and I just looks for ‘im later. I had upgraded da front laser to a beamer, and could’a put in a mil-spec. but I didn’t see the point. Like I said, I wasn’t wantin’ to kill nobody, just give ‘em a good scare. So anyways, I had put all de extra credits into’ ‘er shields. Yes sir, ol’ Wanda had some all mighty thick iron bloomers coverin’ her ass!

Well, I climbs up into Wanda’s cockpit, and started pushin’ all the right button to wake ’er up. Den I called the mugs in da control room for a launch window. “Hey Sledge! That was a hell of a fight last night! Made two hundred micro-creds thanks to you!”

“Dat you up dere Billy Boy?” I says. “Den you can buy me a few drinks when I gets back later”

“It would be my pleasure Sledge, but only a few. I know how much you can drink! Besides, gotta save up for the wedding!” Says Billy Boy.

“Oh dat’s right! You’s gettin’ hitched soon ain’cha! Hey den you saves your credits and you gives dat Sally girl o’ yours a big kiss for me!” I says back at ‘im.

“She’s up here right now Sledge, just a sec, she wants to talk to you.”

“Kiss me yourself you big lug!” Says a gigglin’ girly type voice. “Remember, you promised to come to the wedding and dance with me!”

“I um… well I… ya, um sure Sally. I will be dere.” I stutters. Dammitall, how did I get talked inta dat? I don’t knows nuttin’ ‘bout dancin’ wit’ no girls! Gawds I gotta stop gettin’ drunk and agreein’ ta things!

“And dance wth me…!”

“Well, umm… you see umm… I. Umm… It’s like dis here...”

“John Sledge Hammer! You will show up at that wedding and you WILL dance with me, or I will...”

“Umm okay Sledge, your launch window is open. You have five minutes to get Wanda out of here.” Says Billy Boy rescuin’ me like.

“Ya ya! Gotta go Sally. See ya Billy!” I says as I lift Wanda off da dock and point ’er at da atmoshield “Whew! Dat was a close one Wanda ol’ girl! Let’ go see if we can find ourselves some stray cargo.” We slid through the atmoshield o’ de space port and out inta da black.

Once Wanda and I cleared the station, we set course for Ra. You don’t wanna do no piratin’ in your own back yard, cuz den you ain’t got no place to go back to! ‘Sides, see Ra is a poor farmers type planet. Now you’re thinkin’ ol’ Sledge musta got trumbles for brains, but hear me out. See bein’ a poor agri-cull-chural planet, dey gets a lot of spacers bringin’ dat high tech stuff. And wiff a little luck, I can scare a few pods of computers or some such outta dem. Dat high tech stuff is worth a lot of creds down on Ra see. Plus dere ain’t a lot o’ pirates out here to compete with cuz most o’ dem hang out at de high tech planets. Which is stupid cuz dem rich planets gots too many o dem Galcops patrolin’ all over da place. And what kinda cargo is a spacer gonna bring to a high tech world anyways? Food and clothes and stuff! Stuff dat ain’t worth the energy it takes to fire my laser. So ya sees, de ol’ Sledge Hammer ain’t got trumbles for brains after all. I may not be an ed-you-kated man, but dat don’t mean I is completely stupid. Well, at least not most o’ da time.

Anyways, Wanda and I drops outta witchspace at da Ra buoy and proceeds ta head towards da planet. I was keepin’ my eyes peeled (err well, one eye anyways.) for a likely lookin’ mark. After a couple hours o’ nuttin’ but cruisin’ back and forth between da planet and da buoy, a lone Galcop spots me and decides to up his quota by one. That one bein’ namely me and Wanda. I coulda shot it out wit’ ‘im but what would be da point? Ain’t no sense hurtin’ ‘im cuz he’s just a poor schmoe tryin’ to do his job. Prolly got him a wife and family maybe. And he sure as hell ain’t got no cargo. So I shows ‘im Wanda’s bloomers, and head for a bunch o’ ass-ter-whatchamacallits to play hide and seek. Wanda took a few swats ta her iron panties, but after a while we finally lost the Galcopper in the rocks. “Wow Wanda, we is really deep into dese here space rocks.” I says out loud as I carefully threads my way between ‘em. I had lost the Galcopper a good while ago, but I was still trying ta get Wand and I out o’ dat mess when I saw somethin’ out o’ da corner of my eye...

*raises thumb*

Keep on writing!

Thanks guys! Hopefully chapter four this weekend!

Chapter 4: Time To Say Goodbye.

“Wha’ da hell is dat Wanda?” I asked out loud. I leaned forward in my seat, tryin’ ta get a better look. “Well I’ll be damned. I t’ink dat dere be one o’ dem rock herm...”

BLAM!

SMASH!!!

SQUEEE! SQUEEE! SQUEEE! SQUEEE!

I had been so busy lookin’ at dat big ol’ rock wit’ de hole in it, dat I forgot to watch all de udder rocks what was spinnin’ and playin’ bumper cars around me. Wanda had been hit. Hard! Sirens was screamin’ and lights was flashin’. De cockpit looked like I had won de big jackpot at one o’ dem Hoopy casino slot machines. Dat is until de smoke started rollin’ in.

“Oh hells Wanda! You can’t do dis to me ol’ girl!” I was yankin’ on de control stick and slappin’ buttons as fas’ as I could, but ‘ol Wanda was hurtin’. We was spinnin’ tru da rocks, scrappin’ and bouncin, when I saw de hermits rock again. I twisted dat control stick tryin’ to coax her nose towards dat big rock. “Come on baby, you can do it! Jus’ a little further...”

BANG! We slammed into another rock.

HONNK! HONNK! HONNK!

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

More alarms an’ sirens was goin’ off. De cockpit was gettin’ pretty damn warm by dis time, an’ de smoke was gettin’ thick and makin’ my eyes water. Flames was lickin’ up tru de life support console. Dere was a new light on de screen, it read EJECT! Now, for de firs’ time in a looong time, I am feelin’ a mite scared. “Oh no no no no!” I says. “You can’t do dis to me Wanda! Come on baby not after all we been tru! De EJECT light was startin’ to flash faster na’ faster. Da smoke was makin’ me cough, and dere was little lights flashin’ inside my own eyes. De smell of burnin’ electricals and plastic was makin’ me dizzy. ‘Course lookin’ out de window as Wanda corkscrewed towards the rock hermit wasn’t helpin’ nuttin’. We finally broke into da clear in front o’ de hermits rock when all de lights in de cockpit went out completely. De clamor o’ de sirens and buzzers and beepers and honkers all went dead quiet too.

“Wanda...? Wanda wake up baby! We is almost dere!” De landing bay was right in front of us gettin’ bigger and bigger. Unfortunat’ly, it was also spinnin’ faster and faster as Wanda and I sped t’ward it. I sat lookin’ tru de smoke and tears as dat big black spinnin’ hole began to swallow us up.

“Goodbye Wanda.” I said.

Den I followed dat wit’ “AHHH SHIII…!” Den der was black.

Den I died.



HAW! HAW! HAW! HAW! You should see da look on your face! Na… I was jus’ kiddin’! I didn’t die den.

Dat happened later.

Chapter Five: Upon Further Reflection...

Ok, ok, here’s wut really happened den.

Actually, I don’t really remember exactly wut happened right after dat, cuz I was out cold like. Da firs’ t’ing I do remember was pain. I come awake lyin’ on sumpin’ cold and hard. I could hear the pop and crackle of stuff burnin’ near me. I tried to open my eye, but it was all stuck shut. Pro’lly with blood and stuff. I tried to wipe it wit’ my hand, and after two or tree tries, I finally managed. Everythin’ was blurry but I could finally see where I wuz.

I wuz lyin’ on da floor o' da landing bay. I could see da stars out tru da atmo-shield and da rough opening o’ da hermit’s rock. I was alive! More or less. I t’ink now it was mostly less. I struggled to lift my head and take a look-see around me. Dat was a mistake. Da landin’ bay spun around a few times, and da contents o’ my belly tried to hit their own eject button. I passed out again. A while later, I woke up again and dis time, decided to just lay dere for a bit. Da landin’ bay was quiet now, mostly. Da fires seemed to have burnt demselves out. After a bit, I slowly tried to raise my head again. Da landin’ bay was mostly empty, ‘cept for Wanda. Or I should say, what was left o’ poor Wanda. Tears prickled my blurry eye as I looked at da wreckage what was smashed against the back corner of the bay. Da skid marks and gouges in da floor an’ walls gave me a good idea o’ what happened. Wanda must have belly flopped onto the floor just inside da bay. Den she slid across and clipped da wall on da right, leavin’ most of her right wing behind. Dat spun ‘er ‘round backwards, and planted ‘er ass end into da rock at da back. Her engines and iron bloomers was crumpled into a smokin’ mass o’ steel. In fact, da only part of her dat hadn’t been smashed beyond recognition, wuz da cockpit itself.

Wanda had taken care o’ me right to da very end.

A tear broke free and made it’s way down tru da blood and grime on my face. “Goodbye ol’ girl. I sure am gonna miss yo... Wait a sec, how did I get out here den?” I said to myself, out loud like. Dis was not a smart t’ing to do. My already smoke tortured lungs began coughin’ and hackin’. Da sound echoed off da cold stone walls o’ da bay. Sumpthin’ clatterd in da wreckage. Dere was a sudden scramblin’ and clangin’ sound. Tru da blur o’ tears and blood, I saw a shape movin’. A greyish/brownish fuzzy blob poked above da wreckage for just a sec before disappearin’ again.

“Hell…” Cough, hack, wheeze.

I tried again, “Hello?” Silence. “Anyone dere...dere..dere?” My croaky voice echoed tru da bay.

No response to dat either. It took a few minutes, but I finally managed to get myself sittin’ upright. “Dat’s a start.” I muttered. Two or tree tries and fifteen minutes later, had me crawlin’ ‘cross da floor on my hands and knees to da rock wall, where a bit more time was spent workin’ my way up to my feet. I stood dere for a bit, clingin’ to da wall and restin’ my forehead against da cool rock, and wishin’ da whole place would stop spinnin’. I watched a drop o’ blood drip of my nose and splat on the floor and took stock of ma’self. Might o’ cracked my skull a bit… Also felt like a rib or tree was broke. Sigh. Wit’ a groan, I pushed away from da wall and began a staggerin’ exploration o’ da landin’ bay.

Wit’ all da dust and dirt on da floor, seemed like da place been deserted for a long time. Lights was hangin’ from da ceilin’ and still shinin’. ‘Prolly runnin’ off a cold fusion reactor buried down in the middle o’ da ‘roid some wheres. Dere was another small wreck on da far side o’ da bay, and after a squiggly walk, I looked it over. It was an ol’ shuttle craft. ‘Prolly on it’s way to one o’ da udder planets in dis system. Laser burns covered her hull and had holed both her engines. “Now why da hell would pirates want to shoot up a shuttle for? Dere ain’t no cargo or nuttin’.” I asked da wrecked shuttle. No, it didn’t answer. I wasn’t dat loopy ya dopes!

Anyways, I climbed into da already opened door. Dere was two dried up bodies in da cockpit. One o’ dem was surely de pilot, but de udder one was a fancy dressed bloke. A real high fallootin’ type. Back in da passenger compartment dere was signs dat dere had been at least one, maybe two udder people on board. Was dat who I saw earlier? But why didn’t dey answer me when I called out? Somebody had pulled me outta Wanda’s wreckage… Too many questions here and no answers. I climbed back out and continued my search.

I followed a tunnel dat led back into the rock. My brain still wasn’t firin’ on all its cylinders, udderwise I might have taken’ more notice o’ da little footprints in the dust on da floor. Da hallway led to a large cavern. Old rusty machinery was scattered all over da place. Mostly mining type stuff, a few molecular condensers, plasma drills, stuff like dat. Looked like de hermit and his crew whut used to mine around here, had packed up most everything of value and left. My eye focused on something shiny on da floor. I carefully bent over (my head still didn’t feel too securely attached to the rest o’ my body.), and picked it up. It was a muto-fruity nut bar. Or at least the empty wrapper from one. My stomach perked up at that and growled.

“Oh ya? Jus’ a little while ago you was tryin’ to abandon ship, now you’s wantin’ more cargo, is dat it?” I said, lookin’ down at my stomach. It grumbled again in reply. I dropped da empty wrapper back on da floor, and dat’s when I finally noticed da footprints. Dey was tiny, less den half da size o’ my knobby lev-bike clompers. Most o’ dem was little booted feet, but here and dere was a few dat was bare-footed. And dey was everywhere, comin’ and goin’ all over da place. Looked like mouse tracks in da spilled flour o’ da pantry. I studied dem footprints good and hard. Pretty sure dey was human havin’ five toes and all, and also pretty sure dat dey all belonged to da same human.

“Must have been here a long time to leave dis many tracks.” I thought out-loud. “So where is de little mouse dat’s leavin’ all dese here footy prints?” Dere wuz several udder tunnels dat led from dis cavern, an’ my little mouse had travelled down all o’ dem many times. However, one o’ dem seemed to be used more dan all de udders. I followed it deeper into da rock until it opened up into anudder large cavern. More rusty equipment and machinery was scattered ‘round here too. My little mousey’s footprints dimpled da dust all around now, but dere was a fairly heavily used path leading towards da left side of the cavern. It was darker over here, and I squinted into da gloom to make out a bunch o’ cargo containers. Nearly floor to ceilin’ dey was stacked, some o’ dem was open, and some o’ dose was spillin’ dere contents out over da floor. Looks like I found the little mousey’s food supply.

Rattle, scuffle, thump.

Da sounds came from one o’ da open containers dat was sittin’ on da floor. Da container was most o’ eight feet ‘round, an’ ‘bout twen’y feet long. I stopped in front o’ it an’ and peered into the dark at da back. Something was movin’ back in dere. I knelt down so’s I would’nt look quite so intimidatin’ like. “Hey dere.” I says. “Come on out, I ain’t gonna hurt ya.” I shifted a bit and the shape in da dark moved too. Come to t’ink o’ it, dat shape in the dark back dere maybe ain’t so little after all. Matter o’ fact, now dat my eye was growin accustom to da dark, it was lookin’ to be a pretty damn big shape! What’s more, it was horrible ugly lookin’! Matted hair was stickin’ out all over da place, and blood and grime was smeared all over it’s face. And it had an eyepatch with a sku… “Hey, wait a minute! Dat’s m…

BONG!!!

Dat was da sound o’ somethin’ heavy and made o’ metal bouncin’ off my already battered head. G’night!

It's Mr P back in business. Excellent.
Playing with the nature of language eh? I haven't seen that since clockwork orange (now there was a chewy book that demanded the attention of the reader). It's quite possible that I don't read enough.

A brave act, decimating the queens English to illustrate the shortcomings of a narrator/character. It might loose you as much of an audience as it gains you and is a device that lends itself more to audio that the written form. Mind you bounder testing is one of your forte's.

Good to see you back P.