Oolite Bulletins

For the last 2 Christmases I've produced a drabble (originally for my blog for Newbury Weekly News - but we had a disagreement about what I was allowed to blog and what I wasn't so I stopped blogging for them, so my usually outlet for this material has been curtailed). Each drabble had a rather dark, indeed macabre twist (year 1, a small child poisoning his parents using his new Chemistry set, Year 2, Cannibals eat Father Christmas when he infamously (and conveniently) gets stuck up a chimney.) This year I've decided to set my drabble to the tune of "Away in a Manger" - but still keep it to 100 words. So for everybody who is still a bit "Bah Humbug" about Christmas - I present "Away in an Ambulance":

Away in an Ambulance

“Away!” said the stranger, from a cut he has bled,
The bored little moron, put down his sweet WKD,
The tarts in their bright tights, puke down their own hair,
The little bored moron – assault and affray.

The copper is running, his baton attacks,
But little bored moron, fists flying, he strikes,
“I love you!” bored moron, shouts down at his girl,
She lays on her side until the ambulance arrives.

Punched by bored moron, she started to stare,
Smiled at the stranger! “I ask you! Yeah?”
To hospital, to Intensive Care,
She asked for it, that he will swear.

Awesomeasaurus. Post the other two!!

One small criticism. "The bored little moron, put down his sweet WKD," doesn't scan very well. "The bored little moron, put down his WicKeD," would scan better when sung.

Video it please.

I have an idea for next years.....

Selezen wrote:

Awesomeasaurus. Post the other two!!

One small criticism. "The bored little moron, put down his sweet WKD," doesn't scan very well. "The bored little moron, put down his WicKeD," would scan better when sung.

True - but it's supposed to be pronounced "wicked" - so I let myself off with that one!

Thargoid wrote:

And you realise we now also want a performance on Friday

Ah... erm...

Turns out I've written more of these than I'd thought!

I forgot about this one:

Christmas is Cancelled
----------------------

Christmas is Cancelled,
The goose has caught the 'flu,
I sneezed without a tissue, and now so have you,
I haven't got a penny, the banks have got it all,
Everything else is screwed, but they're too big to fall.

Christmas is Cancelled,
The planet is too warm,
Copenhagen will come to naught,
A hot air Carbon storm,
Turn off all your Christmas lights, do not drive your cars,
While the smoke from a new Chinese Power Station blots out all the stars.

"Christmas is Cancelled!"
The Daily Mail decrees,
Santa failed his CRB check,
so he can't leave presents under trees!

While the two I was actually thinking about were (it's not supposed to scan like the original!). This is when I was going through my "Neil Gaiman" Phase:

"When Santa got stuck up the Chimney"

When Santa got stuck up the chimney he began to shout.
So they stoked up the fire good and hot until the screaming stopped.
Four hours he cooked, he sizzled, he popped.
His fat made the best roasties anybody had ever had.
They fed his charred feet to the cats.
Some said he tasted like chicken, others said he was obviously pork.
Some said they wished they could have reindeer again,
And they all cast an eye to the glowing red bauble on top of the pear tree,
Where the ivory bones of the partridges decoratively swung in the breeze.


And my first ever "Christmas Drabble Noir"

The Chemistry of Christmas

At the dining table, David cheered and clapped. All around him, amongst the decorations, his family danced a funny little jig. Dad stopped first, foaming at the mouth as he slumped, face down, into the remains of his Christmas pudding. Mum lasted for ages. She shook and twitched for the whole length of the Queen's speech before also going rigid. David looked in awe at the new Chemistry set on his knee. Cool. There'd be trouble tomorrow, but that was later. He practised looking sad in the mirror and was the saddest seven year old the world had ever seen.

DaddyHoggy wrote:

Some said they wished they could have reindeer again,

I'm... <schrpffff> This is... <hum, hum,hu-hu> What the...<I'll try to post again after the laughing fit ends>

http://youtu.be/Yc5TcEgjaP8

RyanHoots wrote:

http://youtu.be/Yc5TcEgjaP8

Very good (very American!)

I thought of decorating my avatar for the season, as you guys did...

...but had to give up after just hanging a couple of balls off the sword. It was really not the kind of thing I could post here.

I thought about it for about half a millisecond. Got given the idea of some sad, dull fairy lights around my trailing roots. But I am too miserable for that.... Bah Humbug!

DaddyHoggy wrote:

Thargoid wrote:

And you realise we now also want a performance on Friday

Ah... erm...

Oh yes....

Cheers,

Drew.

I printed multiple copies off too - just in case - but my vocal talents were not called upon in the end - too much distraction/excitement elsewhere!