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No worries mate.. had a feeling it was something like that.Paradox wrote:Sorry for not posting as often anymore. I have started a new job (at least for now), so it's keeping me a bit busy.
You seem to have Terra handing something back to Spitfire twice... (once before packing, and once before take-off)Paradox wrote:
Thank you Neelix! I re-wrote that section about three times, and that seems to have gotten overlooked. I also forgot to replace JOP with Justice of the Peace. Both fixed!Neelix wrote:You seem to have Terra handing something back to Spitfire twice... (once before packing, and once before take-off)Paradox wrote:
- Neelix
Ya, better than the Goodwill job by a mile or three, but still runs my old butt off. I move cars around a 30 acre auto auction now.Diziet Sma wrote:No worries mate.. had a feeling it was something like that.Paradox wrote:Sorry for not posting as often anymore. I have started a new job (at least for now), so it's keeping me a bit busy.
Worth every extra lineParadox wrote:This was a long chapter
Is it looking like we might get a bit of 'Salt 'n Peppa' seasoning for our hero's culinary delight? I do struggle with commas. I have had to rewrite many paragraphs, simply because I struggled with a single line that I couldn't get to sound right. That last sentence is a good example. I debated over the use of a comma after the words "single line". I am not sure why they are such a problem for me. I understand their purpose. And you wold think, with the many thousands of books I read/have read, I would have that down pat. Maybe I just read too fast, and I need to actually start looking at what I am reading. };]SteveKing wrote:Phew! That was a bit of a chest pounder - in both a heart hammering and fist beating sort of way.Worth every extra lineParadox wrote:This was a long chapter
Just a bit of feedback - keep an eye on the number of commas (here's an example) - "My little Spitfire, tend to get a bit excited, when we are in battle" would read simply "My little Spitfire tend(s) to get a bit excited when we are in battle".
Although having said that, it so works for Morgan after his, um... throat massage - "You're doing fine, and I am so very, very, proud of you. I love you, with all my soul. You just do, what needs to be done, and remember that" works great with a bruised larynx and oesophagus - you feel every wince as he breathes and swallows
Once again, I have no clue as to why she appeared in the story. I was relieved to get his Pa and Terra off the ship, and here I go and drop another one in it. I liked the idea of a female pirate. But as soon as I started writing it, Spitfire just naturally felt some kind of bond with her. And you saw the results. I have no clue what I am going to do with her... I know the direction that the story is trying to go in, but I really want to avoid something that obvious if I can. I guess we shall all see together! };]SteveKing wrote:I am very much enjoying this little Oodventure fantasy romp
I had to play Jake very carefully... Too abusive, or do the wrong thing, and that may have had permanent repercussions to Spitfire and Morgans "playful" relationship. As it is, I am going to have some bridges to mend there. Perhaps, that is Angels role in this... Hmmm.... };]ClymAngus wrote:You see this is what I'm talking about. Investment. Some may think that this is just a bit of space porn but readers invest in the characters here! I don't tend to want people dead by by lord lummy when Jake was through. I could have happily danced on his grave.
};] Yep, perhaps a little too much sex... But now that the shiny has worn off of it, I am making an honest effort to insure there is a reason for it. Whether Spitfire needs emotional reassurance, or she needs to reinforce her bond with Morgan, etc... I try to make sure there is some logical reason for it to happen, and not just gratuitous sex... Usually... };]ClymAngus wrote:It's because Paradox is unpredictable. He can write sex (that much is obvious) but if you can write sex you always have the option of writing rape. No spoilers but; The reader is hit with the "split fingers in front of the eyes" dilemma. Ok so the characters maybe shagging like demons most of the time, BUT these threats make them.
Umm.. Thank you...? };] Although I like to think I put some emotions into my characters as well.ClymAngus wrote:Drew writes emotion and consequence. Higher mind, is his playground.
You sir are a visceral writer! A totally different beast.
Excellent work.
should be“What's going on Morgan?” Demanded Angel.
Also, there should be a comma instead of a full-stop/period when the dialogue isn't ending with a question mark or exclamation mark:“What's going on Morgan?” demanded Angel.
should read“Umm.. we have a small problem baby.” Said Spitfire's
“Umm... we have a small problem baby,” said Spitfire.
*cough*verb*cough*Ranthe wrote:Nice one!
A piece of general feedback though - one thing I've noticed is the tendency to capitalise the 'dialogue adjective' (for want of a better term)