Mossfoot's Tales of Woe...

[spud42]

yeah more!!!!!

thanks for the laughs...

[mossfoot]

So, forget what the adverts say trying to sell you Trumbles as a pet for your kids and listen to those adverts showing them as being tasty served in a bucket with dipping sauce. They are nothing but trouble.

It wasn't bad enough that it burrowed into my ship's systems, feeding through insulation layers and making its way back to my cargo hold. No. The little bugger started eating my cargo next! A ton of my best Green Thargoid Original Draft, gone! What do I get in return? A belch and more Trumbles!

The little ones think I'm their momma! They roll through the ratholes the original made then start scurrying all over the damn place, even getting on my viewscreen in the middle of a pirate ambush. I try caulking up the holes and stuffing them with whatever I think will keep them out, but nothing does. There is literally nothing they won't eat. I've tried every poison I can find, but that's just condiments to these pests! A ton of computers with a side order of Rat-Be-Gone, please.

But the kicker? The real kicker? I can't afford to have a professional clean my ship of them. I suppose they know they've got me over a barrel and aren't afraid to slip my pants down to my ankles. The pilots at the bar just laughed when I asked them how to get rid of the bloody pests.

"They taste great with barbecue sauce!" said one.

Buggers, the lot of em.

***

Barbecue. Ha ha. I get it.

Problem is these little freaks dance all over. I tried an improvised flame thrower, but can't get a clear shot of any of them, or fry them in their holes (the ones I'll risk torching... most of them are way too close to sensitive wiring). The only thing I can think of is the fact they're in the insulation gap. If I can hole up the exits long enough, trap them in there, and cook the hull from the outside...

There is no way in hell I'm trying this stunt without a few simulated runs first.

***

"You do know you need heat shielding on your ship before trying to bathe in the sun like that."

I took off the VR helmet. "I do NOW."

See, I know this guy in Xexedi, Rax. Gives me a deal on my equipment, and fortunately for me he's got a VR simulator set up so pilots can test out their equipment before they install it. I tell him my problem and he shakes his head.

"You know how many space aces I have come in here thinking the same thing? Lots. You know how many come back and tell me it worked?"

I waited for an answer. Rax didn't give me one.

"Look, I ain't sayin it ain't possible. It is. I did it myself, back when I was flyin a Python, but them Trumbles are hella heat resistant. You have to get real close to something real hot and then not cook yourself in the process."

"That's why I want to try it out in your simulator a few times first," I said, then remembered how the last run went. "Maybe more than a few."

"Well that's the almost smart thing to do. Smarter thing would be to try and find someone wanting to start up a Trumble farm. It's hard to get a breeder, you know. Just one of them can start your own meat farm in no time flat. Most are neutered and breeders guard the roosters jealously, you know? You find someone looking to start a franchise and they'd pay to get the ship cleared out, plus pay you a bit, I bet. But hey, it's your life and your ship."

"What's left of it, which is less and less each day."

"All right, all right. I'll set it up for you. Good luck."

***

"You do know you need to pull out BEFORE your cabin temperature tops out."

"I do NOW."

"Word to the wise. If you're sundiving and the cabin temp is blinking, you're already barbecue fuel."

***

"You're getting close, kid. That time you actually cooked the Trumbles before you got cooked yourself."

"Just set up the sim again, Rax."

***

"There you go! Burned the buggers clean. You do realize the money you spent on sim runs could have paid for a proper exterminator, right?"

"Shut up, Rax."

***

Staring down the photosphere of a star on an approach vector is not the most comforting of feelings. Sure, I've fuel scooped before. That's easy. But cooking off Trumbles? I ran the simulation six more times and made it five out of six.

Those are good odds, right.

What the hell am I doing?

I opted for swapping the IDs on a similar looking Adder and just taking it instead when no one was looking. Let that other guy pay for an exterminator. I'm not crazy!

[Diziet Sma]

I opted for swapping the IDs on a similar looking Adder and just taking it instead when no one was looking. Let that other guy pay for an exterminator. I'm not crazy!

[Ranthe]

Staring down the photosphere of a star on an approach vector is not the most comforting of feelings. Sure, I've fuel scooped before. That's easy. But cooking off Trumbles? I ran the simulation six more times and made it five out of six.

Those are good odds, right.

What the hell am I doing?

I opted for swapping the IDs on a similar looking Adder and just taking it instead when no one was looking. Let that other guy pay for an exterminator. I'm not crazy!

[spud42]

what they said... lmao...
nice twist BBQ boy...lol

[mossfoot]

"It's... it's beautiful."

The Adder I had, um, "swapped" to relieve myself of my Trumble problem was okay, but not really me. Seriously, who puts a decal of a giant dildo on the side of their ship like that? There are ladies out here in the spacelanes. I doubt many men would appreciate the site, either. Jackass deserves his Trumbles.

I was going to get a new paint job when I saw an Adder listed "for sale or trade" on the station logs. I decided to check it out.

What I saw made my jaw drop. The sleek angles, the buffed up engine pods, the inlaid cockpit. Your basic Adder looks pretty much a glorified shuttle pod, and about as graceful looking as a box of tissues someone stepped on at one end. But this? This looked powerful, robust, sexy as all hell.

"That's an Adder?"

The man selling it seemed suitably impressed by my awe. "Yep. Did a custom job on the hull, as you can see. But don't worry, it's still all Adder."

"I didn't know that was even possible."

The man cocked his head. "You never heard of a Kit Kobra?"

I shook my head.

"Popular with hobbyists. Started back in the day mainly with Cobras. You know, the MKIIIs? People streamline it, take out unnecessary or redundant systems, or add new stuff to it."

"That I know, but that's because of its hull design. Most opt for adding cargo capacity, though."

"True enough, but the idea caught on for any ship, and next thing you know companies like Neolite started selling DIY kits: Kit Kobras. You take the basic chassis of just about any model, strip off the hull and slap on a new one. Full instructions included. You can turn your humdrum Adder into a sleek looking sporty flyer like this. I'm surprised you haven't seen them before."

I looked over this Neolite Adder. What a difference a kit can make. I'd always hated my Adder because it looked like I was a pizza delivery guy always late for a delivery, but this? This look said, "Back off." This look said, "I'm Elite, even if your scanners say Mostly Harmless." This look said, "If you catch up with me in the docking bay, I'll give you my hotel room number, baby."

"I'll take it."

The man looked a little concerned. "Hey, I don't want to talk myself out of a sale here, but you should know, full disclosure, it's still just an Adder."

"I'll take it."

"I mean, it looks great, sure, but the engine speed, maneuverability, everything is still stock."

"I'll take it."

"If anything, the hull is bigger than before, so you're actually a bit bigger as a target..."

"I said I'll take it."

"And looking over the ship you're trading, I'm not sure you're aware that you're kind of trading down a bit..."

I was too busy picturing myself flying in this blue badass. "Neeeeerroooooooommmmm... wooosh! Pew! Pew! Pew!"

"...and I don't exactly have the money to make up the difference. We could transfer some of the stuff I'm sure, but--"

"SHUT UP AND TAKE MY ADDER!"

[Diziet Sma]

You do realise this means that from now on, we expect screenshots as well?

[mossfoot]

Well, I changed my avatar to the Neolite version of the Adder.

The Neolite ships are neat, but most vary a fair deal from the classic interpretations, so I figured I'd work a story into why that is.

Anyone ever see those kit cars for sale in Popular Mechanics? Figured it was kind of the same idea

[spud42]

oh yeah been drooling over kit car magazines on and off for 30 years.... just too expensive to get them to Australia.

we had our own kit called a Purvis Eureka. used a VW floorplan and put a fibreglass body on top... there were a few others but never took off like it did in the UK. Loved the "Is Born " series of tv shows... check out a racing car is born... build of a cateram kit car.....
back to topic now....... more stories please dad... i cant sleep.... lol

[Diziet Sma]

oh yeah been drooling over kit car magazines on and off for 30 years.... just too expensive to get them to Australia.

we had our own kit called a Purvis Eureka. used a VW floorplan and put a fibreglass body on top...

Speaking of Aussie kit cars, I always wanted a Perentti. Kind of a cross between a C2 and C3 Corvette, but.. who cares?

[mossfoot]

So you all might be wondering, "Who is this asshole and why is he clogging up my Hyperradio feed with his ramblings?"

Well, I've already explained the first part way back (https://bb.oolite.space/viewtopic.php?f= ... &start=971).

As for the second, you shouldn't be listening to country music anyway. It'll rot your brain.

See, the thing is, it's pretty damn lonely flying an Adder all by yourself. Even one that's as sweet looking as mine. So after the space ninjas shot down my Lance and I had to start my life over again incognito, I needed to vent. So I started keeping a journal.

Only after about a dozen entries, I learn my new ID crystal has more going on with it than I previously thought. It's actually a fairly complex piece of kit, built in with a number of bizarre programs and algorithms that no standard crystal has. It's like finding out the chip on your bank card is actually a complex mini computer, and while it is set up to interact with your bank machine, it can also do so much more. It would probably explain how I swapped Adders so easily during my Trumble problems. I thought that had gone too smoothly. I thought only first gen Boas were that easy to hotwire.

Turns out one of its other tricks is to use your ship's systems to broadcast on the hyperradio bandwidth within a seven light year radius. And it had been left on when I got it.

So, yeah, while most of the galaxy here was listening to the Zero-G Cup Soccer finals last week, and went crazy with the nail biting last fifteen minutes, hundreds of space traders in and around the Xexedi Cluster were unbelievably pissed off because they heard me complain about the woman who almost killed me and took all my gold instead. Sorry, guys.

Honestly, I'm surprised it took me so long to figure out what was going on. For a while now, people in the station bars quickly acted like they knew me once I started talking, and some would buy me drinks. I figured it was my natural charm. Then the Zero-G Cup happened, and I encountered a strange increase in bar brawls whenever I was around. That's when I did some investigating.

So as you can imagine I was not pleased to learn that I'd been leaving a trail of breadcrumbs behind me for space ninjas to follow. They love bread crumbs. It's the only food small enough that they can slip through their masks to eat. Don't tell me space ninjas don't exist, by the way. They totally do. Just because you've never seen them doesn't mean they don't exist. It just means they're behind you. You're probably already dead.

Anyway, since I learned I'd been blabbing to God-knows how many people in the spacelanes for weeks now, I've managed to tweak the settings a bit so it doesn't pirate everyone's signal like before, and instead is accessible on nearby sub-channel. But I did decide to leave it on. It has a built-in signal buffer that keeps my broadcast location secret, so as long as I don't blurt out what system I'm in, I should be okay.

Why am I leaving it on? Eh, who knows? Maybe I'm looking for a sympathetic ear. Maybe I'm hoping I'll either serve as an example or a warning to others out there. Maybe I'm hoping these broadcasts gets to my dad, so I can thumb my nose at him by continuing to breathe. Maybe I'm hoping that woman who blew me out of the sky is listening. I dunno.

So, this is my mobile pirate radio station, I guess. My live journal.

No, it's not a diary... diaries are all about bitching about how life isn't fair, recording your little victories, and mooning about people you have crushes on and...

Ah hell, this is a bloody diary, isn't it?

[Diziet Sma]

you shouldn't be listening to country music anyway. It'll rot your brain.

I'm liking this Mossfoot character more and more..

[mossfoot]

you shouldn't be listening to country music anyway. It'll rot your brain.

I'm liking this Mossfoot character more and more..

Heh, I should record these as voice and have someone intersperse them in a Hyperradio playlist

[Diziet Sma]

Heh, I should record these as voice and have someone intersperse them in a Hyperradio playlist

Please do.. I have quite a few ideas for the next version of HyperRadio..

[SteveKing]

No, it's not a diary... diaries are all about bitching about how life isn't fair, recording your little victories, and mooning about people you have crushes on and...

Ah hell, this is a bloody diary, isn't it?

...
“D’you reckon?”

“Well who else could it be?”

“I don’t know Mrs. Smith; doesn’t quite do it for me,” said Mr Smith hesitantly, looking up from the comms screen. “There are an awful lot of people clogging up the aether these days, with their 'community' services and local news guff, most of them less intelligent than an Ordiman Dodo suicide squad. I tell you, university hyperradio's got a lot to answer for.”

“I agree, but the style, it has a similar timbre.”

“I still don’t think…”

“Look, our client was quite specific on the particulars,” said Mrs Smith directly, “and if we don’t follow up every lead, however tenuous, then I propose that we won’t be able to talk our way out of it like we did the last time.”

“Yes, but a Neolite? He wouldn’t be that silly would he?”

“Powering out in plain sight? It’s been done before, so why not?”

“Powering out – an Adder… that’s funny.”

Mrs. Smith gave her counterpart a withering stare that went unnoticed as Mr. Smith glanced back at the hyperradio feed carrier. “You realise that by the time we get over to Xexidi he could be half way around the sector.”

“I understand the risks, but we haven’t any other leads just yet, have we Mr Smith?”

“I suppose you’re right.”

“I know I’m right, you just go and get the ship prepped.”