Rise Of The Kirin (Chapter 1)

Website · Post by **DaddyHoggy** » Mon Apr 06, 2009 7:22 pm

Disembodied wrote:
MKG wrote:
"Not a problem", Roh'i thought ... is the accepted convention in English English.
Er... no it's not. In UK English, for a quotation, the quotation marks should only surround pieces of punctuation that are an intrinsic part of the quotation, e.g.

Napoleon said "An army marches on its stomach", but he failed to provide adequate rations for his assault on Russia.
For dialogue, though, the comma should always appear inside the quotation marks, whether it's UK or US English. (Trust me on this: I'm currently editing and proofing around 30 pieces of short fiction, from various authors from various countries, for publication later this year.)

I'm with the big brain in a jar on this one!

Lestradae · Post by **Lestradae** » Mon Apr 06, 2009 7:24 pm

And so the grammar wars began.

Cmdr Wyvern · Post by **Cmdr Wyvern** » Mon Apr 06, 2009 7:48 pm

ClymAngus wrote:
Disembodied wrote:
On a more structural point I'd advise against switching the POV between Roh'i and the General (at the paragraph starting "Gentlemen, I see you've already become acquainted"). We start off inside Rohi's head, feeling his emotions, then we jump into the General's head for a bit. IMO it would be best to stick to one character's POV, at least for the chapter/episode/event, or have a more detached third-person perspective where we view all the characters from the outside, all the time, and we're not explicitly told what they're feeling, but are able to work it out from their behaviour, dialogue etc.
Yes, a sound principle that. Due to the duplicity of the writing technique might get twanged more than once in the next few weeks. Hmm. Whilst not a show stopper, this does require a bit of a chat with "the scaled one."

The scaled one weighs in favor of the cerebral cortex in a bottle.
Brains under glass makes very good points.

Cmdr Wyvern · Post by **Cmdr Wyvern** » Mon Apr 06, 2009 7:54 pm

overmage wrote:
One last note: 7400 credits IS a pittance... It can't even buy five Q mines Maybe 74000 credits? If I were in his shoes I'd say 100000 to be honest, since I AM being blackmailed after all

Yes, 7400 isn't much. But for the record my friend, every payout in Oolite is a mere pittance. 7400 is more than a day's worth of cruising around an Anarchy blasting pirates from the sky brings, and that's before repairs, refuel and rearm.

Wiki pages · Post by **Thargoid** » Mon Apr 06, 2009 7:57 pm

Hmm Rise of the Kirin. Sounds like the last time I went drinking in Japan...

ClymAngus · Post by **ClymAngus** » Mon Apr 06, 2009 8:02 pm

McGraw-Hill Handbook of English (4th addition).
PM7.a-d Quotation marks. Pg 165

Sides with the brain in a jar.

Looks like I've got a lot of writing to check. Ho-hum.

Thargoid wrote:
Hmm Rise of the Kirin. Sounds like the last time I went drinking in Japan...

Two words; Chapter 26

Just you wait.

_ds_ · Post by **_ds_** » Mon Apr 06, 2009 10:32 pm

Cmdr Wyvern wrote:
Brains under glass makes very good points.

Morbius?

Rebecca · Post by **Rebecca** » Tue Apr 07, 2009 9:09 am

ClymAngus wrote:
You know It was always 50:50. Some writers said try and roll it all together otherwise it looks like a script not a novella. Whilst other writers said divide it up so it's more accessable to the punters.

It a moment of weakness I went for the first option. I maybe should have gone for the second. If that is the board wide consensus then cool I can adjust. Not that I'm turning down the constructive cratique of course.

definitely divide it up for me... i couldn't read it at all until overmage helpfully chopped it up... im dyslexic anyway... so reading is an effort at the best of times!

i found it a bit abrupt... the protagonists obvious have history .... well thats how i read it... but seem to sometimes react as if they are strangers... maybe i got confused..

i know its a novella so its going to be short... but the three guys are chucked into a situation have a bit of a discussion and then agree to co-operate in a very short time... if I was Roh'i id be mad as hell and much less inclined to agree with the generalll...

theres a war on... whose war? thargoids?

7400cr is definitely too cheap!!!!

and CCD's in the 30th century or whenever we are? you sure???! that would be a bit like us using a printing press to take down minutes of a meeting in ER

but im interested though... so lets see the next bit!!!!

B

ClymAngus · Post by **ClymAngus** » Tue Apr 07, 2009 9:12 am

Disembodied wrote:
On a more structural point I'd advise against switching the POV between Roh'i and the General (at the paragraph starting "Gentlemen, I see you've already become acquainted"). We start off inside Rohi's head, feeling his emotions, then we jump into the General's head for a bit. IMO it would be best to stick to one character's POV, at least for the chapter/episode/event, or have a more detached third-person perspective where we view all the characters from the outside, all the time, and we're not explicitly told what they're feeling, but are able to work it out from their behaviour, dialogue etc.

Paragraph ammended.

Rebecca · Post by **Rebecca** » Tue Apr 07, 2009 10:39 am

did you just decide to right a story then or have you been planning this for a while... its a great idea though!!!

i really like the picture btw....

do we get an exploding station in the story?

B

CptnEcho · Post by **CptnEcho** » Tue Apr 07, 2009 10:50 am

Disembodied wrote:
... It's pretty much an absolute rule for dialogue that you make a new paragraph every time there's a change in speaker. Otherwise it can be difficult for the reader to tell who's saying what! ...

I agree. I suggest published versions be edited for clarity and to follow established rules of writing.

I feel the story has merit and is worth further efforts.

drew · Post by **drew** » Tue Apr 07, 2009 11:02 am

More fanfic! Excellent!

Comments above all worthy, looking forward to the next chapter!

Cheers,

Drew.

Screet · Post by **Screet** » Tue Apr 07, 2009 11:36 am

Nice...but a bit short, just when I'm hooked to continue reading, it's over

However, what do you want to go with, hanger or hangar? You've used both...

Screet

Cmdr Wyvern · Post by **Cmdr Wyvern** » Tue Apr 07, 2009 12:06 pm

I'm going to try to spell things out for you, Becky. Try to keep up.

Rebecca wrote:
i found it a bit abrupt... the protagonists obvious have history .... well thats how i read it... but seem to sometimes react as if they are strangers... maybe i got confused..

This is the first time Roh'i has met the others; obviously he doesn't know them.

Rebecca wrote:
i know its a novella so its going to be short... but the three guys are chucked into a situation have a bit of a discussion and then agree to co-operate in a very short time... if I was Roh'i id be mad as hell and much less inclined to agree with the generalll...

Without giving too much away, in truth he is quite annoyed. But this a station controlled by the military and they have his ship impounded. He has limited options, so he'll play along....for now.

Rebecca wrote:
theres a war on... whose war? thargoids?

In a word: DUH!

Rebecca wrote:
7400cr is definitely too cheap!!!!

Try to earn that much on a milk run. Better, try to earn that much bounty hunting. 7400cr is only part of the deal anyway, and all he has to do is fly a freighter around.

Rebecca wrote:
and CCD's in the 30th century or whenever we are? you sure???! that would be a bit like us using a printing press to take down minutes of a meeting in ER

This is not a 21st century digital camera. It's capable of night vision, infrared detection, and has a virtual hud mode, all with a 5000 terapixel resolution. And this in a tiny device that fits in his eye socket and interfaces directly with his optic nerve. A TL 13 device, it is far above a simple video cam.

Rebecca wrote:
but im interested though... so lets see the next bit!!!!

B

Wait for it, m'dear. it's coming.

ClymAngus · Post by **ClymAngus** » Tue Apr 07, 2009 2:53 pm

Mr W! You missed the most pointy question of all!

<do we get an exploding station in the story?>

Would I spend two days making a lie in photoshop? You will get in words, exactly what you see in the image and much, much more.

I assure you.

Oh screet hanger vs. hangar issue is no more.

Cmdr Wyvern wrote:
I'm going to try to spell things out for you, Becky. Try to keep up.

Rebecca wrote:
i found it a bit abrupt... the protagonists obvious have history .... well thats how i read it... but seem to sometimes react as if they are strangers... maybe i got confused..
This is the first time Roh'i has met the others; obviously he doesn't know them.
Rebecca wrote:
i know its a novella so its going to be short... but the three guys are chucked into a situation have a bit of a discussion and then agree to co-operate in a very short time... if I was Roh'i id be mad as hell and much less inclined to agree with the generalll...
Without giving too much away, in truth he is quite annoyed. But this a station controlled by the military and they have his ship impounded. He has limited options, so he'll play along....for now.
Rebecca wrote:
theres a war on... whose war? thargoids?
In a word: DUH!
Rebecca wrote:
7400cr is definitely too cheap!!!!
Try to earn that much on a milk run. Better, try to earn that much bounty hunting. 7400cr is only part of the deal anyway, and all he has to do is fly a freighter around.
Rebecca wrote:
and CCD's in the 30th century or whenever we are? you sure???! that would be a bit like us using a printing press to take down minutes of a meeting in ER
This is not a 21st century digital camera. It's capable of night vision, infrared detection, and has a virtual hud mode, all with a 5000 terapixel resolution. And this in a tiny device that fits in his eye socket and interfaces directly with his optic nerve. A TL 13 device, it is far above a simple video cam.
Rebecca wrote:
but im interested though... so lets see the next bit!!!!

B
Wait for it, m'dear. it's coming.