Real Programmers don't eat Quiche!

[Cody]

I was scanning thru some old 3.5 floppies, looking for an old Elite Plus savegame, and I found this. It was doing the rounds of the machine rooms about 15 or 20 years ago. I thought it might amuse some of you.


REAL PROGRAMMERS DON’T EAT QUICHE!

Real Programmers don’t eat quiche. They like cheeseburgers, coke and vindaloos.

Real Programmers don’t write application programs, they program right down on the bare metal. Application programming is for dullards who can’t do systems programming.

Real Programmers don’t write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever they get; they are lucky to get any programs at all.

Real Programmers don’t comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and harder to modify.

Real Programmers don’t document. Documentation is for simpletons who can’t read listings or the object code from the dump.

Real Programmers don’t draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate’s form of communication. Cavemen drew flowcharts and look where it got them.

Real Programmers don’t read manuals. Reliance on a reference is the hallmark of the novice and the coward.

Real Programmers don’t write in COBOL. COBOL is for gum-chewing dimwits who maintain ancient payroll systems.

Real Programmers don’t write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks. They get excited over finite state analysis or nuclear reactor simulation.

Real Programmers don’t write in PL/1. PL/1 is for insecure anal-retentives who can’t choose between Cobol and Fortran.

Real Programmers don’t write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC after reaching puberty.

Real Programmers don’t write in APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line.

Real Programmers don’t write in LISP. Only idiot’s programs contain more parantheses than code.

Real Programmers don’t write in PASCAL, BLISS, ADA or any of those other sissy scientific languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak memories.

Real Programmers’ programs never work right the first time, but if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into working order in “only a few” 30-hour debugging sessions.

Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any Real Programmers are around at 9 am, it’s because they were up all night debugging and compiling.

Real Programmers don’t play tennis or any other sport that requires a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is okay, and many Real Programmers wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.

Real Programmers scorn floating-point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bed-wetters who are unable to “Think Big”.

Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-trained. They wear neckties and carefully line-up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear desk.

Real Programmers don’t like the “Team Programming” concept. Unless, of course, they are the Chief Programmer.

Real Programmers have no use for Managers. Managers are a necessary evil. They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners and other mental defectives.

Real Programmers don’t drive clapped-out old bangers. They prefer BMW’s, Mercs, Porsches and such. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.

Real Programmers don’t believe in schedules. Managers “fim up” schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real Programmers ignore schedules.

Real Programmers like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it the microwave oven. Real Programmers use the heat given off by the CPU. They can tell which jobs are running by listening to the rate of popping.

Real Programmers know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every Real Program. Candy-ass architects won’t allow Execute instructions to address another Execute as the target instruction. Real Programmers despise petty restrictions.

Real Programmers don’t bring brown lunch bags. If the vending-machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending-machine doesn’t sell it, they don’t eat it.

Vending-machines don’t sell Quiche!

[DaddyHoggy]

Have forwarded to all my "real programmer" friends (not that real programmers technically have friends)

[ClymAngus]

In a sad twist of fate, the "real" programmer that originally wrote this (one Guy B'strd) died tragically shortly after it's completion from a cholesterol related quadruple chamber heart explosion.

His memory is kept alive however through his notable (unfortunately now obsolete) programming works and through the extracts of his blood plasma, which was reused very successfully as an industrial lubricant under the house hold name "Fat-Plus Industrial super loob".

So anytime you see a crane move think of Guy.

[Cody]

Sad, but true. However, his ghost lives on in the "Machine".
On my home planet of Zaquesso, he is worshipped as the one true God!

Next time you see a vending-machine, kick it!