Mutabilis Chapter Three

[Jack_H]

And on the off chance my previous text is misunderstood, I mean that a critique is kind of a personal thing between the critiquer and the critiquee. Its not really your place to analyse what amounts to my personal opinion.

All the effort you put into countering me could have instead gone into a critique for Drew and given him some constructive feedback.

anyway. . .

[drew]

Gents,

I value all the crit, please keep it coming. Some of it I take onboard, some of it I don't. The grammar and spelling checking is especially useful!

I would add that:

- There is a target audience for this stuff as pointed out. Most of us are 30-something geeks who have a soft spot for a game we played in our youth. Cliched references to hitchhikers, starwars, startrek etc are de rigueur for Elite/Oolite in my book and won't be apologised for..

- It's a space opera: there are goodies and baddies with a few characters you're hopefully not quite sure about. Boy/girl relationships, film noire, impossible odds, comic relief, cliff hanger chapters, deus ex machina - I'm deliberately using these cliches in this context. As I said in the intro - this was never going to be good sci-fi. It's not going to be Umberto Eco, Tolkien, or Daphne du Maurier either.

That said, if I can improve it, I will. As with Status Quo, I will rewrite sections when I bring it all together. I used the crit from the chapter by chapter release of SQ to improve the finished story.

So keep it coming, everyone!

Cheers,

Drew.

[Selezen]

Damn fine writing, drew! The Captain's charactterisation was fantastic! Laough out loud moments aplenty.

To chuck my tuppence worth at the "infodump" concept, I find the infodumps a valuable part of the narrative. They save you having to find a way to put that information into the dialogue. This makes the talky bits far more concise and realistic - there's no way that experienced pilots would mention in passing about the fact they are in an anarchy and to watch thier backs, for example. The expand the universe and make it a more realistic place with the addition of valuable "scenery" and background.

I'm not belittling Jack's opinion - just presenting my own!

One critique I would level (and I think I've said this before) is the overuse of "Elite Slang". Frak, Prak, Fragging, Goid, stard, etc. I find it distracting as a reader to suddenly see these words, and I found it hard to read the scene between Luthien Tinuviel and Tenim Neseva because of the amount of these being used. One thing to remember when writing (says the amateur) is that although your setting is in the future, your readers aren't. They will expect real words the majority of the time. Use "frak", "prak" etc occasionally but use real cussing the majority of the time. It's less of a shock to the reader.

Again, that's just opinion rather than specific orders...

[ClymAngus]

Hi Angus.

I have the right to critique Drew. He has the right to ignore me. I'm not sure how you fit into the equation, but points for trying.

Any author should be prepared to have any of their work challenged. If you wanted to keep it personal and not have your work challenged (ie your review), then you should have just PM'ed the dude, instead of broadcasting it. That's what PM's are there for.

Speaking of PM's I suggest we waste no more board time on this matter. If you wish to keep this going then fine by me. The PM button is there specifically for this very purpose.

Nice chapter D, keep up the sterling work.

[drew]

Thanks Selezen!

I'll probably adjust the elite slang in the final version. I think it's a good suggestion.

and I found it hard to read the scene between Luthien Tinuviel and Tenim Neseva

Luthien Tinuviel? I don't recall putting in a part for a half elf of royal blood from the second age of middle earth!

Cheers,

Drew.